Kiddipedia
Dealing with bullying is one of the most emotionally challenging experiences a parent can face. It cuts both ways — whether your child is being hurt, or whether you’re suddenly confronted with the possibility that your child may be the one causing harm.
As part of our Real Conversations series, we explore what bullying actually looks like today, how to recognise the signs early, and how to start the kind of conversations that help children grow, not shut down.
Clinical psychologist Emily Hanlon from The Playful Psychologist reminds us that this is not about blame — it’s about understanding behaviour, supporting emotional development, and keeping children safe on both sides of the experience.
What is bullying?
At its core, bullying is repeated behaviour that is intentional, harmful, and involves a power imbalance.
According to the National Centre Against Bullying (NCAB), bullying can be:
- Physical (hitting, pushing, damaging belongings)
- Verbal (name-calling, threats, humiliation)
- Social or relational (excluding others, spreading rumours, manipulation)
- Online or cyberbullying (hurtful messages, images, or digital harassment)
What makes bullying different from everyday conflict is not just what is said or done — but the pattern, intent, and power imbalance behind it.
👉 Conflict is mutual.
👉 Bullying is one-sided.
In Australian school settings, bullying is now widely recognised as a social, emotional, and developmental issue, not simply “bad behaviour”.
Bullying in Australia: what the research tells us
Bullying remains a significant concern across Australian schools.
Recent evidence from the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW) highlights that:
- A substantial proportion of Australian children experience bullying or bullying-like behaviour during school years
- Bullying can occur across primary and secondary school years
- Experiences include physical, verbal, social, and online harm
The eSafety Commissioner also reports that cyberbullying is a growing issue, with:
- Around half of Australian children aged 10–17 experiencing some form of cyberbullying behaviour
- Many incidents occurring through social media, messaging apps, and gaming platforms
These findings highlight an important shift:
Bullying is no longer confined to the playground — it follows children home through their devices.
Sources:
- Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW)
- eSafety Commissioner (Australia)
How bullying affects a child
Whether a child is being bullied or bullying others, the impact is rarely surface-level.
Children who experience bullying may show:
- Emotional withdrawal or shutting down
- Increased anxiety or irritability
- Loss of confidence or self-esteem
- Behavioural changes at home
- Difficulty concentrating at school
Some children externalise distress — meaning they may lash out, become defiant, or show aggression, even toward parents or siblings.
This is where things can become confusing for families. A child’s behaviour may not look like “sadness” — it may look like anger, avoidance, or resistance.
Why the response of parents matters so much
One of the most important protective factors in bullying situations is not the school system alone — it is the parent-child relationship.
Emily Hanlon emphasises that the first step is often not problem-solving — but listening.
“The best thing you can do as a parent is to listen.”
This aligns with broader child development research showing that children regulate emotions more effectively when they feel:
- Emotionally safe
- Understood
- Not immediately judged or corrected
A simple shift in response can change everything:
Instead of reacting, parents are encouraged to pause, listen, and reflect back what they hear.
The role of emotional safety in bullying conversations
When children feel emotionally safe, they are more likely to:
- Talk about difficult experiences
- Admit mistakes
- Accept guidance
- Develop accountability
When they feel unsafe or shamed, they are more likely to:
- Shut down
- Deny behaviour
- Escalate defensiveness
- Avoid conversations altogether
This is why tone matters just as much as content.
Building a “safety foundation” early
Before even approaching schools or other parents, Emily Hanlon suggests creating a safety plan with your child.
This includes:
- What to do if they feel unsafe
- Where they can go for support at school
- Which trusted adults they can speak to
- How to ask for help without fear
This shifts the child from feeling powerless to prepared.
What we now understand about bullying in children
Modern child development research shows that bullying behaviour is rarely “random cruelty”.
Instead, it is often linked to:
- Unmet emotional needs
- Difficulty regulating emotions
- Social learning from environment
- Impaired empathy development
- Stress or instability at home or school
- Peer group influence and status-seeking behaviour
This does not excuse behaviour — but it helps adults respond in a way that leads to change rather than punishment alone.
Coming up in Part 2
In the next section, we’ll explore:
- The early warning signs your child may be being bullied
- How to distinguish between normal school stress vs bullying
- The hidden signs many parents miss
- The rise of cyberbullying in Australian children
- What to do before speaking to the school
Is My Child the Bully? (Part 2)
Recognising the Signs Your Child May Be Being Bullied
Not all bullying is visible.
In fact, some of the most distressing cases parents describe are the ones where nothing “obvious” seems wrong — no injuries, no clear complaints, no direct disclosure.
Instead, there are small behavioural shifts that are easy to dismiss as tiredness, moodiness, or normal developmental change.
But when we step back and look at patterns, these changes can be early indicators that something deeper is happening.
When bullying isn’t visible
Physical bullying is often easier to identify — a mark, a torn uniform, a clear incident.
But today, Australian children are more likely to experience:
- Verbal bullying
- Social exclusion
- Relational aggression
- Online harassment
These forms often leave no visible trace, but they can have a profound impact on a child’s emotional wellbeing.
According to the eSafety Commissioner, many children experiencing harm online do not initially report it to adults, often due to fear, embarrassment, or worry about losing device access.
This means parents are often the first line of detection — not schools or children themselves.
Early warning signs your child may be being bullied
While no single sign confirms bullying, a cluster of changes over time is what matters most.
1. Emotional and behavioural changes
Look for:
- Increased irritability or mood swings
- Becoming quiet, withdrawn, or emotionally flat
- Sudden emotional outbursts at home
- Seeming unusually sensitive to small comments
Some children do not “talk about” distress — they behave it out instead.
2. School-related changes
- Reluctance or refusal to go to school
- Frequent complaints of being “sick” before school
- Drop in academic performance
- Loss of interest in learning or homework
- Requests to change classes or avoid certain peers
The Raising Children Network (Australia) notes that avoidance behaviours are one of the most common early indicators that a child may be experiencing peer difficulties or bullying.
3. Physical symptoms without medical cause
- Headaches
- Stomach aches
- Nausea before school
- Fatigue or low energy
These symptoms often reflect the body’s stress response system activating in anticipation of threat.
4. Social withdrawal
- Avoiding friends or social events
- No longer attending birthday parties
- Loss of previously close friendships
- Spending more time alone than usual
Children may begin to self-protect by socially retreating, even if it increases isolation.
5. Changes in self-esteem and identity
- Increased negative self-talk (“I’m stupid,” “Nobody likes me”)
- Lower confidence
- Sudden fear of judgement
- Becoming overly self-critical
Over time, bullying can begin to affect how a child sees themselves, not just how they behave.
6. Digital behaviour changes (important in modern bullying cases)
- Becoming secretive with devices
- Emotional distress after using phone or tablet
- Rapidly closing screens when adults enter
- Avoiding social media or gaming they previously enjoyed
- Sleep disruption due to device use
This is where cyberbullying becomes particularly important.
Cyberbullying in Australia: what parents need to know
Cyberbullying is no longer a “separate issue” — it is often an extension of school-based social dynamics.
According to the eSafety Commissioner, Australian children commonly experience harm through:
- Social media platforms
- Messaging apps
- Online gaming environments
- Group chats
Unlike traditional bullying, cyberbullying has three key features:
1. It follows the child home
There is no safe physical boundary.
2. It can be constant
Harmful messages can be shared repeatedly and rapidly.
3. It can be invisible to adults
Children may hide it due to shame or fear.
Signs your child may be experiencing cyberbullying
Watch for:
- Emotional reactions after being online
- Anxiety when notifications appear
- Withdrawing from digital communication
- Reluctance to attend school after online incidents
- Changes in sleep patterns due to late-night phone use
Some children may also:
- Delete messages before parents see them
- Create new accounts suddenly
- Stop using platforms they previously enjoyed
Why children don’t always tell adults
It is important for parents to understand that silence does not mean “nothing is happening”.
Children often do not disclose bullying because:
- They fear it will get worse
- They worry they will be blamed
- They feel embarrassed or ashamed
- They believe adults will not understand
- They don’t want device access restricted
This is why observation is just as important as conversation.
A simple early detection framework for parents
A helpful way to think about bullying risk is through three layers:
Layer 1: Emotional change
Has your child’s mood shifted noticeably?
Layer 2: Behavioural change
Have routines, school engagement, or friendships changed?
Layer 3: Physical or digital change
Are there stress symptoms or changes in online behaviour?
When two or more layers change together, it is worth exploring further.
What parents often miss
Many parents initially assume:
- “They’re just tired”
- “It’s a phase”
- “They’re being dramatic”
- “They’ll grow out of it”
But research in child wellbeing consistently shows that early intervention is one of the strongest protective factors against long-term emotional harm (AIHW, Australia).
What’s coming in Part 3
In the next section, we will explore the other side of the equation:
- Is my child the one doing the bullying?
- Why children engage in bullying behaviour (without labels or blame)
- Neuroscience of impulse control and empathy development
- How to respond without shame or escalation
- What children actually need to change behaviour
Is My Child the Bully? (Part 3)
Understanding Bullying Behaviour in Children (Without Shame or Labels)
For many parents, this is the hardest question of all.
It is one thing to support a child who is being hurt. It is another to sit with the possibility that your own child may have hurt someone else.
It can bring up shock, denial, guilt, or even defensiveness. These reactions are completely human.
But what matters most in these moments is not the label — it is the response.
Because how we respond in these early conversations can either:
- build accountability and emotional awareness, or
- unintentionally increase shame, secrecy, and defensiveness
A foundational truth in child behaviour
Clinical psychologist Emily Hanlon highlights a key principle:
“Children don’t go out of their way to be mean for no reason.”
This aligns with broader child development research showing that bullying behaviour is rarely about “bad kids” — it is often about unmet emotional needs expressed through poor behaviour choices.
This does NOT excuse the behaviour.
But it does help explain what needs to change.
Why children may engage in bullying behaviour
Australian and international child development research (including guidance from the Raising Children Network) identifies several contributing factors.
1. Emotional regulation difficulties
Some children struggle to manage frustration, anger, or embarrassment, and may react impulsively.
2. Developing empathy and perspective-taking
Empathy is not fully developed in childhood. Some children need explicit teaching to understand how their actions affect others.
3. Social status and peer dynamics
In school environments, some children use dominance or exclusion to gain or maintain social position.
4. Learned behaviour
Children may model behaviour they have:
- seen at home
- experienced themselves
- observed online or in peer groups
5. Past experiences of being bullied
Some children who bully others have also been victims. This can create a cycle of behaviour that needs careful interruption.
6. Stress or emotional overwhelm
When children feel powerless in one area of life, they may try to regain control in another.
The developing brain and behaviour
From a neuroscience perspective, children are still developing key brain systems involved in:
- Impulse control (prefrontal cortex)
- Emotional regulation
- Consequences and long-term thinking
- Perspective-taking and empathy
This is why children can sometimes act in ways they later don’t fully understand or cannot explain well.
It doesn’t remove responsibility — but it explains why guidance, repetition, and calm correction are essential.
How to approach the conversation as a parent
When a school calls or concerns are raised, the first conversation at home matters deeply.
Start with emotional control
Children are highly sensitive to tone. If the conversation feels like an interrogation, they are more likely to:
- shut down
- deny
- or become defensive
Instead, aim for calm curiosity over immediate judgement.
Avoid “why” questions
As Emily Hanlon explains:
“Why questions can feel like a judgement, even when they are not intended that way.”
Instead of:
- “Why did you say that?”
- “Why would you do something like that?”
Try:
- “Can you help me understand what happened?”
- “What was going on for you in that moment?”
- “What do you think the other child experienced?”
This shift encourages reflection rather than defence.
Focus on the behaviour, not the identity
Avoid labels like:
- “You’re a bully”
- “That’s a nasty thing to do, you’re being bad”
Instead:
- “That behaviour wasn’t okay”
- “That would have hurt someone”
- “Let’s talk about what was happening for you”
This helps separate self-worth from behaviour, which is essential for change.
What signs may suggest bullying behaviour
There is no single profile, but patterns may include:
- Need to control social situations
- Difficulty accepting responsibility
- Minimising or dismissing harm (“it was just a joke”)
- History of peer conflict or repeated complaints from school
- Strong reactions when confronted about behaviour
- Prior experiences of exclusion or bullying themselves
Importantly, these are behavioural indicators, not fixed traits.
The emotional reality behind bullying behaviour
Many children who engage in bullying:
- do not fully understand the impact
- may be copying behaviour they’ve seen
- or are trying to manage internal emotional struggles
As uncomfortable as it is, this is often a sign that a child needs:
- emotional coaching
- clear boundaries
- consistent consequences
- support in building empathy
Why shame does not work
One of the most important findings in child psychology is that shame is not a behaviour changer — it is a behaviour inhibitor.
When children feel shamed, they are more likely to:
- hide behaviour
- avoid honesty
- become defensive
- or disconnect emotionally
What works more effectively is:
- accountability
- reflection
- repair
- and consistent guidance
What children actually need in these moments
Children who have engaged in bullying behaviour need adults to help them:
1. Understand impact
“What happened to the other child when that occurred?”
2. Build empathy
“How do you think they felt?”
3. Take responsibility
“What could you do differently next time?”
4. Repair relationships
“Is there something you can do to make this right?”
5. Learn replacement behaviours
“What could you do instead when you feel that way again?”
The long-term goal
The goal is not just to stop bullying behaviour.
It is to raise children who:
- can recognise impact
- regulate emotion
- repair harm
- and understand responsibility
This is emotional maturity, not punishment.
Coming up in Part 4
In the final section, we bring everything together:
- What parents should do step-by-step
- How to work with schools effectively
- When to seek professional support
- Building resilience in both children involved
- Key takeaways for families
- Full Australian reference list
Is My Child the Bully? (Part 4)
What Parents Can Do Next: A Practical Action Plan
By the time parents reach this point in the journey, there is often one overwhelming question:
“What do I actually do now?”
Whether your child is being bullied or displaying bullying behaviour, the next steps are not about panic or perfection. They are about calm structure, consistency, and connection.
Step 1: Start with emotional regulation — yours first
Before any conversation with your child, take a moment to regulate your own emotional response.
It is completely normal to feel:
- Shock
- Anger
- Guilt
- Fear
- Confusion
But children respond best when adults are:
- calm
- predictable
- emotionally steady
A dysregulated adult often leads to a dysregulated child conversation, which reduces honesty and increases defensiveness.
Step 2: Have the conversation (not a confrontation)
Whether your concern is victimisation or behaviour, the goal is the same: understanding before action.
Use:
- Calm tone
- Short questions
- Open language
- Listening more than speaking
Avoid:
- Interrogation-style questioning
- Immediate punishment without discussion
- Labels like “bully” or “victim” in the first conversation
Instead focus on:
- What happened
- What your child experienced
- What others may have experienced
Step 3: Work with the school early
Australian schools take bullying seriously, and early communication is key.
Contact the school with:
- Clear facts (what you know, not assumptions)
- Timeline of events if available
- Any patterns you’ve noticed
Ask:
- What has been observed at school?
- What supports are in place?
- How is student wellbeing being monitored?
- What steps will be taken collaboratively?
Most Australian schools operate under anti-bullying policies aligned with state education departments, focusing on student safety and wellbeing.
Step 4: Build a safety and support plan
A safety plan is not just for children being bullied — it is also helpful for children learning to change behaviour.
A strong plan includes:
For children experiencing bullying:
- Safe people to talk to at school
- Safe spaces during breaks
- What to do if an incident occurs
- How to report concerns
For children showing bullying behaviour:
- Triggers for emotional escalation
- Alternative responses (what to do instead)
- Repair steps after incidents
- Boundaries and consequences
This supports accountability without shame.
Step 5: Teach emotional literacy daily
Long-term change does not come from one conversation.
It comes from repeated emotional coaching.
Focus on:
- Naming emotions (“I can see you’re frustrated”)
- Exploring impact (“How do you think that felt for them?”)
- Practising repair (“What could help fix this?”)
- Modelling respectful communication
Children learn emotional regulation through co-regulation with adults, not lectures.
Step 6: Know when to seek extra support
Professional support may be helpful if your child shows:
- Ongoing school refusal
- Persistent anxiety or low mood
- Aggressive or escalating behaviours
- Social withdrawal
- Emotional distress linked to peer relationships
- Cyberbullying involvement that continues despite intervention
Support options in Australia include:
- General Practitioners (GPs)
- School counsellors or wellbeing teams
- Psychologists
- Youth mental health services
The bigger picture: what really helps children long-term
Research consistently shows that the strongest protective factors for children include:
- Secure parent-child relationships
- Emotional safety at home
- Consistent boundaries
- Positive peer connections
- Adult role-modelling of respectful behaviour
- Strong communication between home and school
These factors matter more than any single disciplinary approach.
A final word for parents
There is no perfect parent response to bullying.
There are only present, thoughtful, and willing parents doing their best with difficult information.
Whether your child is hurting, has been hurt, or has hurt someone else — what matters most is not perfection, but repair and response.
Children do not need perfect parents.
They need:
- adults who listen
- adults who stay calm
- adults who guide accountability
- and adults who stay connected, even when things are hard
That is where change happens.
Key Takeaways
✔ Bullying is about behaviour, not identity
✔ Early detection relies on noticing patterns, not isolated events
✔ Emotional safety is essential for honest conversations
✔ Cyberbullying is now a major part of the Australian bullying landscape
✔ Shame does not change behaviour — connection and accountability do
✔ Parents and schools must work together early
✔ Children need repeated emotional coaching, not one-off discipline
References
The following Australian sources support the evidence and guidance in this article:
- Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW)
https://www.aihw.gov.au
Child and youth wellbeing, bullying and school safety data - eSafety Commissioner (Australia)
https://www.esafety.gov.au
Cyberbullying prevalence, online safety guidance, and reporting frameworks - Raising Children Network (Australian Government supported)
https://raisingchildren.net.au
Child development, bullying behaviour, parenting strategies - National Centre Against Bullying (NCAB)
https://www.ncab.org.au
Definitions of bullying, prevention strategies, school-based guidance - Beyond Blue (Australia)
https://www.beyondblue.org.au
Child and adolescent mental health impacts of stress, anxiety, and bullying - Kids Helpline (Australia)
https://kidshelpline.com.au
Youth counselling support and crisis resources - Australian Human Rights Commission
https://humanrights.gov.au
Rights-based approaches to safety, inclusion, and discrimination in schools - Australian Council for Educational Research (ACER)
https://www.acer.org
Education research, student wellbeing, and school climate studies
Additional Sources:
https://www.theplayfulpsychologist.com/
https://www.realinsurance.com.au/news-views/australian-kids-and-technology-survey
https://www.realinsurance.com.au/life-insurance/family/how-to-teach-kids-to-be-respectful
