Kiddipedia
How to Better Manage Sibling Relationships: Understanding the Science Behind Sibling Bonds, Conflict and Connection
Sibling relationships can be some of the most complicated, emotional and rewarding relationships our children will ever experience. They can involve moments of deep connection, shared laughter and lifelong memories, but they can also involve arguments over seemingly insignificant things, competition for attention, and the inevitable declaration of “That’s not fair!”
For many parents, managing sibling relationships can feel like one of the hardest parts of raising children. We spend so much time teaching our children kindness, empathy and respect, yet somehow those lessons often disappear when they are standing opposite their brother or sister arguing over a toy, a device, personal space or who gets the last piece of food.
The reality is that sibling conflict is normal. In fact, disagreement between siblings is often part of learning how to negotiate relationships, manage emotions and understand different perspectives. The challenge for parents is not to eliminate every disagreement, but to help children develop the skills they need to navigate conflict in healthy ways.
Sibling relationships are also unique because they are often the longest relationships most people will experience across their lifetime. Unlike friendships that may come and go, siblings share family history, childhood experiences and memories that can continue into adulthood.
Research consistently shows that the quality of sibling relationships during childhood can influence social development, emotional wellbeing, empathy, communication skills and the ability to manage conflict later in life. While parents play a critical role in creating a secure family environment, siblings also become important teachers for one another, helping children practise cooperation, patience, compromise and emotional regulation.
According to the Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS), relationships within families are shaped by a combination of individual child characteristics, parenting approaches, family circumstances and wider social factors. This means there is no single formula for creating a “perfect” sibling relationship because every family has its own unique dynamics, personalities and challenges.
And perhaps that is one of the most important things parents can remember:
Healthy sibling relationships do not mean children never argue. Healthy sibling relationships mean children learn how to repair, reconnect and understand each other after conflict.
Why Siblings Fight: The Science Behind Sibling Conflict
If your children argue constantly, it can sometimes feel like you are doing something wrong as a parent.
You are not alone.
Sibling conflict is one of the most common parenting challenges, and there are very real developmental reasons behind it.
Children are still learning how to:
- regulate their emotions
- manage frustration
- share attention and resources
- understand another person’s perspective
- communicate their needs appropriately
The parts of the brain responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation and problem-solving are still developing throughout childhood and adolescence.
The prefrontal cortex, which helps children pause, think through consequences and manage strong emotions, continues developing well into early adulthood. This means a child who screams, pushes or says something hurtful during an argument is often not deliberately choosing poor behaviour—they may not yet have the neurological maturity to regulate that emotional response effectively.
Research from organisations including the Murdoch Children’s Research Institute highlights that children’s emotional and behavioural development occurs gradually and is influenced by relationships, environment and experiences.
This is why a four-year-old, an eight-year-old and a teenager may all experience the same disagreement very differently.
A teenager may have the cognitive ability to understand another person’s perspective, but hormones, identity development and the desire for independence can make emotional regulation challenging.
A younger child may understand they should share but struggle when emotions overwhelm them.
A toddler may simply not yet have the developmental capacity to understand another child’s needs.
Understanding this does not mean accepting hurtful behaviour. It means recognising that children often need teaching and guidance before they can consistently demonstrate the skills we expect from them.
Sibling Relationships Change Across Childhood
One of the reasons sibling relationships can feel so challenging is because children are constantly changing.
The relationship between a two-year-old and a five-year-old will look completely different from the relationship between a 12-year-old and a teenager.
Younger Children: Learning Through Play and Competition
For younger children, sibling relationships are often shaped by:
- wanting the same toy
- learning to share
- developing turn-taking skills
- seeking parental attention
- testing boundaries
At this stage, children are still developing empathy and perspective-taking. They may understand that their sibling is upset but still struggle to prioritise another person’s feelings over their own immediate wants.
Parents can support this stage by helping children name emotions, practise problem-solving and model respectful communication.
Primary School Years: Fairness Becomes Everything
During the primary school years, children often become highly focused on fairness.
However, children’s definition of fairness is usually:
“Everyone gets exactly the same.”
Parents often discover that children will carefully track:
- who received the bigger piece of food
- who stayed up later
- who got more attention
- who had more privileges
Developmentally, this is part of children learning about justice and comparison.
The challenge is helping children understand that fair does not always mean equal.
A child who needs extra support with learning, emotions or behaviour may require more parental time—not because they are more loved, but because their needs are different.
Tweens and Teenagers: Independence and Identity
The teenage years can bring another shift in sibling relationships.
Teenagers are developing their own identity, seeking independence and becoming more sensitive to privacy, respect and personal boundaries.
A teenager may love their younger sibling but still feel irritated by constant questions, interruptions or differences in maturity.
Meanwhile, younger siblings may feel frustrated because they want to be included in activities they are not developmentally ready for.
This is a normal tension between:
“I want connection”
and
“I want independence.”
Parents can help by respecting each child’s developmental stage while also encouraging moments of connection.
The Eternal Question: How Can We Better Manage the Relationships Between Our Kids?
If your family is anything like mine, stress and strife characterise sibling relationships.
In my house, there’s the 14 yo older brother, who veers between wanting to annoy his sisters one minute and wanting to be alone the next. Then there’s his 12 yo sister, whose hormones are off the chart and who thinks the world is ending multiple times a day. Then we have their little 8 yo sister, who just wants to play and cannot understand the teenage angst of her older siblings.
The spectre of various diagnoses also play a part in our house, with the two older kids often requiring more time and attention than I have to give. Which results in all three complaining about me, each other and how unfair life is. It’s the cycle that never ends…
After years of trying to balance their different needs, I’ve had to accept some truths about managing sibling relationships in our house. I’ve had to be honest with my kids about the unique dynamics of our family and I’ve had to find different strategies to manage my approach to sibling relationships.
And perhaps this is where many parents find themselves.
Knowing the science behind sibling relationships can help us understand why our children behave the way they do, but it does not remove the emotional reality of parenting multiple children with different personalities, needs and challenges.
The question becomes:
How do we support each child as an individual while also helping them build a positive relationship with each other?
I’ve Had to Let Go of the Guilt
Yes, I feel guilty about spending more time with my older kids, but, I’d feel equally guilty if I didn’t spend the time required to address their needs. Guilt doesn’t change the situation or make things better. It just makes me feel infinitely worse. Letting go of the guilt and accepting the truth of my situation has made a big difference.
Parent guilt is one of the heaviest emotional burdens many parents carry.
Many parents worry:
“Am I giving enough attention to each child?”
“Does my child feel less loved because their sibling needs more support?”
“Am I creating resentment between my children?”
These questions come from a place of love, but constant guilt can make parenting feel impossible.
Research into parental wellbeing highlights that chronic parental stress and feelings of inadequacy can affect how parents experience family life. The goal is not to become a perfect parent who divides every minute equally—it is to become a responsive parent who recognises and meets each child’s individual needs.
This is where the difference between equality and equity becomes incredibly important.
Equality vs Equity: Children Do Not Always Need The Same Thing
One of the biggest misconceptions about fairness in parenting is that every child should receive exactly the same amount of time, attention and support.
But children are individuals.
Equality means giving everyone the same thing.
Equity means giving each person what they need to thrive.
For example:
One child may need extra help preparing for school.
Another may need emotional support navigating friendships.
Another may simply need reassurance that they are seen and valued.
Providing different support does not mean loving children differently.
It means recognising that their needs are different.
Australian parenting experts, including the Raising Children Network, emphasise that responsive parenting involves understanding each child’s individual temperament, development and circumstances rather than applying identical approaches to every child.
The Mental Load of Parenting Multiple Children
Managing sibling relationships is not just about managing children—it is also about managing the invisible mental load carried by parents.
The mental load includes:
- remembering appointments
- managing school requirements
- monitoring emotional wellbeing
- anticipating challenges
- supporting different developmental needs
- keeping family life functioning
When children have different needs, parents often become the central person coordinating everything.
This can be exhausting.
Recognising this does not mean accepting overwhelm as inevitable. It means acknowledging that supporting a family requires emotional energy, planning and flexibility.
Parents also need support, rest and compassion.
Children do not need a parent who never struggles.
They need a parent who models that relationships require patience, repair and growth.
Emotional Coaching: Helping Children Understand Their Feelings Before Managing Their Behaviour
One of the most powerful ways parents can support sibling relationships is by helping children develop emotional intelligence.
When siblings argue, our instinct can often be to immediately stop the behaviour:
“Stop fighting.”
“Be nice to your brother.”
“Give that back.”
“Apologise.”
Of course, there are times when parents need to step in quickly, especially when safety is involved. However, long-term relationship skills develop when children learn why they feel the way they do and what they can do differently next time.
This is where emotional coaching becomes valuable.
Emotional coaching is based on the understanding that emotions are not the problem. Emotions are information.
A child who screams:
“You always play with her and never me!”
may actually be communicating:
“I feel left out.”
“I want connection.”
“I need reassurance that I matter.”
A child who pushes a sibling away may not simply be “being mean.” They may be communicating:
“I feel overwhelmed.”
“I don’t know how to express frustration.”
“I need space.”
Helping children identify the emotion underneath the behaviour teaches them skills they will use throughout their lives.
The process is simple:
1. Recognise the emotion
“I can see you’re really frustrated.”
2. Validate the feeling
“It’s hard when you feel like someone isn’t listening.”
3. Set the boundary
“It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hurt someone.”
4. Teach the alternative
“Next time, you can say, ‘I need a break’.”
This approach does not mean children get to behave however they want. It means parents teach children that emotions are acceptable while certain behaviours are not.
Research into emotional development shows that children who learn to identify and regulate emotions are better equipped to manage stress, relationships and challenges as they grow.
The Australian Parenting Research Centre highlights the importance of responsive relationships in helping children develop emotional and social skills. When parents respond to emotions with curiosity rather than only correcting behaviour, children learn that relationships are safe places to express themselves.
Attachment Science: Why Connection Comes Before Correction
At the heart of every sibling relationship is the child’s relationship with their parents.
Children who feel secure, valued and emotionally connected are generally better able to manage frustration, cope with disappointment and show empathy towards others.
This is where attachment science provides important insight.
Attachment is not about creating a perfect relationship where children are never upset. In fact, healthy attachment develops through a pattern of:
connection → rupture → repair
Every family experiences moments of disconnection.
A parent loses patience.
A child says something hurtful.
A sibling argument escalates.
What matters most is what happens next.
Repair teaches children:
“Relationships can survive difficult moments.”
“People can make mistakes and reconnect.”
“Conflict does not mean love disappears.”
This is one of the most important lessons children can learn.
The Circle of Security Australia approach, based on decades of attachment research, highlights that children need parents who can provide both:
- a secure base to explore from
- a safe place to return to when emotions become overwhelming
When children feel emotionally secure, they are more likely to develop confidence, empathy and healthier relationships.
Positive Sibling Connection: Creating Relationships Beyond Conflict
Many parents spend most of their energy managing sibling problems.
Who started it?
Who had it first?
Who was being unfair?
While conflict management is important, children also need opportunities to experience their siblings positively.
A sibling relationship cannot be built only through correcting arguments.
It is strengthened through shared moments of connection.
This can include:
- cooking together
- family traditions
- playing games
- shared projects
- helping each other
- celebrating achievements
- creating inside jokes
- having one-on-one time
Small moments matter.
Research into child development consistently shows that positive interactions build stronger relationships over time.
The goal is not for siblings to become best friends every day.
The goal is for children to develop a foundation of:
respect, familiarity, trust and shared experiences.
I’ve Learned to Make the Most of the Time I Have
I try to have one-on-one time with each of the kids each day (even if it’s a story before bed). I’ve also learned to make the most of any opportunity, so a car trip to an appointment represents quality one-on-one time rather than just a car trip. Looking at time differently can make a big difference in creating quality time with your kids.
One of the biggest pressures parents feel is the belief that meaningful connection requires large amounts of uninterrupted time.
It doesn’t.
Children often remember the small moments:
- a conversation in the car
- a bedtime routine
- helping prepare dinner
- a walk together
- a few minutes where they felt genuinely listened to
These moments are sometimes called micro-connections.
They may appear small, but repeated moments of connection build a child’s sense of belonging.
The question is not:
“Did I spend exactly the same amount of time with each child?”
The more important question is:
“Did my child feel noticed, valued and loved today?”
Neurodivergent Families: When Siblings Have Different Needs
Many families, like mine, navigate the additional complexity of diagnoses, developmental differences or children who require extra support.
When one child has additional needs, parents often experience a complicated mix of emotions:
- wanting to support that child fully
- worrying about the impact on siblings
- feeling guilty about unequal attention
- trying to explain differences in a way children understand
These feelings are incredibly common.
Neurodivergent children may require more:
- emotional support
- advocacy
- appointments
- routines
- supervision
- help with regulation
Meanwhile, siblings may experience their own emotions:
“I feel like they get more attention.”
“Why can’t we do the same things?”
“Why do the rules seem different?”
These feelings do not mean siblings lack compassion. They mean they are children trying to understand a complicated family dynamic.
The key is creating space for honest conversations.
Children benefit when parents explain:
“Your brother needs extra help with some things, just like everyone needs help with different things.”
This reinforces the idea of equity rather than equality.
It is also important that siblings are recognised as individuals—not only as “the sibling of a child with additional needs.”
Each child needs opportunities to feel:
- capable
- important
- celebrated
- understood
Australian organisations including the Raising Children Network and Emerging Minds emphasise the importance of supporting the emotional wellbeing of all children within families experiencing additional challenges.
I’ve Focused on Cultivating Loving Relationships Between My Kids
I’ve worked hard on my relationships with the kids but I’ve also focused on their relationships with each other. In our case, sibling relationships have improved with age and with years of modelling desired behaviour. My two eldest are finally getting along now they are both at high school, something I thought I’d never see!
Sometimes parents worry when siblings struggle that their relationship will always remain difficult.
But sibling relationships are not fixed.
Children grow.
Their understanding develops.
Their personalities mature.
The child who once argued constantly with their sibling may become the teenager who protects them, supports them and looks out for them.
One of the most powerful things parents can do is model the relationships they want children to build.
Children learn from watching us:
- how we apologise
- how we handle frustration
- how we speak about others
- how we repair mistakes
They do not need perfect examples.
They need real examples.
Myth vs Fact: Understanding Sibling Relationships
Myth: Good siblings never fight.
Fact: Conflict is a normal part of close relationships.
Learning how to disagree respectfully is an important life skill.
Myth: Fair parenting means treating every child exactly the same.
Fact: Children have different needs.
Providing different support does not mean providing different love.
Myth: Parents should solve every sibling disagreement.
Fact: Children need opportunities to practise problem-solving.
Parents can guide without always becoming the referee.
Myth: If siblings fight a lot, they do not like each other.
Fact: Frequent conflict does not automatically mean a poor relationship.
What matters is whether children can reconnect and repair.
Myth: Spending more time with one child damages the others.
Fact: Children need responsive parenting, not identical parenting.
Meeting individual needs helps children feel secure.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is sibling rivalry normal?
Yes. Sibling rivalry is a common part of childhood development. Competition for attention, resources and independence is normal. The goal is helping children learn respectful ways to manage disagreements.
Should I intervene every time my children argue?
Not necessarily.
If children are safe, allowing them to practise solving smaller disagreements can build important skills. However, parents should intervene when there is aggression, intimidation, ongoing bullying or a significant power imbalance.
How can I stop comparing my children?
Focus on each child’s individual strengths.
Avoid labels such as:
“The clever one.”
“The difficult one.”
“The sensitive one.”
Children develop their identity partly through the messages they repeatedly hear.
What if my children seem completely different?
Different personalities often create challenges—but they can also create strengths.
One child may be outgoing.
Another may be thoughtful and quiet.
One may love adventure.
Another may prefer routine.
The goal is not to make children the same. It is helping them appreciate each other’s differences.
Key Takeaways for Parents
Managing sibling relationships is not about creating a home where children never disagree.
It is about creating a family where children learn how to:
✔ Express emotions safely
✔ Respect differences
✔ Repair relationships after conflict
✔ Understand fairness and individual needs
✔ Develop empathy and compassion
✔ Feel loved and valued as individuals
The truth is, sibling relationships are complicated because people are complicated.
Children will have moments where they frustrate each other.
They will compete.
They will misunderstand each other.
But with guidance, modelling and connection, those same children can also become each other’s greatest supporters.
As parents, our job is not to manufacture perfect sibling relationships.
Our job is to create the environment where those relationships have the opportunity to grow.
References
Australian Institute of Family Studies. (2023). Families and relationships. Australian Government. https://aifs.gov.au
Circle of Security International. (2024). Attachment-based parenting and secure relationships. Circle of Security Australia. https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com
Emerging Minds. (2024). Supporting children’s mental health and emotional wellbeing. https://emergingminds.com.au
Murdoch Children’s Research Institute. (2024). Child development and wellbeing research. https://www.mcri.edu.au
Parenting Research Centre. (2024). Evidence-based parenting support and research. https://www.parentingrc.org.au
Raising Children Network. (2024). Sibling relationships and managing sibling conflict. Australian Parenting Website. https://raisingchildren.net.au
The Royal Children’s Hospital Melbourne. (2024). Child development and emotional wellbeing resources. https://www.rch.org.au
