South West Wellbeing Centre

South West Wellbeing Centre

Resilience is a complex concept, yet it is often a tangible goal for parents when they think of their hopes and dreams for their child.  Everyone would love for their child to be “resilient”, but what does it really mean.  A casual internet search comes up with a few alternatives….

  1. The Dictionary talks about “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness”.

and “the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity”.  Others talk about “Resilience is the ability to cope when things go wrong. Resilience can also be described as: Bouncing back after difficult times”. (Kidshelpline).  So then, Resilience is the ability to cope with difficult times and ‘bounce back’ from adversity.  But other sources say that Resilience is adaptation in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or stress.  Resilience is what gives people the psychological strength to cope with stress and hardship. It is the mental reservoir of strength that people are …(Verywellmind)

  1. Brad Waters (Psychology Today 12/12/2018) outlines 10 Traits of Emotionally Resilient People.  They are:
  1. People who can self-regulate and set boundaries
  2. Resilient People seek out support from others
  3. People who cultivate self-awareness.
  4. People who practice acceptance.
  5. People willing to sit in the space of non-judgement and not-knowing
  6. People who look for meaning and growth (out of stressful situations)
  7. People who have a menu of self-care habits
  8. People who practice an optimistic worldview.
  9. Resilient people entertain “alternative endings”
  10. People who can get out of their head, and move on from being stuck with their thoughts.

So this is all quite interesting – and many parents would think of their own self, and where they may fit with all of this.  The key is to move beyond this, and to think about how we can support and nurture our children to be resilient and to develop resilience.

Adena Bank Lees (Psychology Today 22/5/2019) outlined how a secure attachment assists children in their emotional development and therefore their mental health as adults.  Daniel Siegal in his book “Mindsight” (2018) outlined that there were 5 key processes that parents can practice, to help their children develop psychological resilience and positive emotional wellbeing.  These are:

  1. Contingent collaborative communication – when the parent responds to the child (verbal and non verbal cues) in a timely and effective manner, it allows the child to understand safety and to develop a relationship where the child’s needs are fully met.
  2. Reflective dialogue (being able to share and understand another’s emotions)
  3. Conflict repair and reconnection;  It’s important for parents to be able to model appropriate repair of conflict in families.  This assists children to manage their own emotions and relationships.
  4. A coherent Narrative.  The importance of a parent being able to tell a clear story of their own life and history.
  5. Shared emotional communication. where the parent is able to amplify the child’s positive emotion states and to share and soothe negative emotional states.

Ok, so this is really getting deeper!!  As a parent then, chat to your partner or your best friend about all this.  Have a think about how you respond to your child…..how you role model your emotions, and your skills in being able to reconnect with others and to repair with another, when there has been conflict, hurt or distress.  It may be necessary for parents to obtain some support in these skills, and undertaking some counselling or participating in a supportive parenting group could assist.

Romeo Vitelli (Psychology Today 10/04/2018) reported that John Grych (Marquette University) developed the “Resilience Portfolio Model” which outlines 3 key components of Resilience:

  1. Self-regulation (the ability to manage and control own emotions)
  2. Interpersonal Relationships (gaining support from others including a peer/social network.
  3. Meaning Making (being able to understand situations and make sense of them in having a set of values and beliefs)

SO, contemplate this bit by bit.  Re-read it.  Absorb it.  Help your children to manage their emotions.  Help them with their relationships.  At home, at school, with friends and family and strangers at the park.  Establish close connections with your child, so that you can assist them to develop meanings and share stories about life and its challenges.  Work together to get though the times where things don’t go as planned……

So, let’s think about all our interactions with our children – remembering that children gain their understandings from the world around them, including their role-models, their parents and close family.  Reflect on how you manage your emotions and how you deal with stress and conflict.  Children are learning every day from us, let’s help them to gain the skills they need to be resilient, to be able to cope with difficulties and challenges……and to get through life with whatever happens for them.

 

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