1. You’re taking hot coffee for granted
Your days of extra hot espresso are gone. Welcome, the new-you, who frequents room temperature instant Moccona with a “just pretend it’s an iced coffee” mentality.
2. Cherish uninterrupted conversations
Well, let’s just….PUT THAT DOWN, ummm say tha….OHH don’t put that in your mouth…that you will…Ok hang on mummy will get you something to eat, you will really miss….I know, I know, you’re tired….really miss… wait, what was I saying?
3.White clothes – just don’t bother
These should just be in a special section called ‘childless wear’
4. Babies are little swear parrots
You drop the F bomb once and before you know it you’re getting an official warning from daycare. Maybe start getting yourself out of the habit now.
5. You will embrace the ‘mum bob’
You will inevitably embrace the bob or face perpetual bald patches at the hands of tiny spit-covered fingers. Same with dangly earrings, get rid of them, immediately. Flesh splitting dangles of doom
6. The lamest things will become your greatest desires
You find a magic lamp and you’re granted three wishes! Easy… a solo trip to the bathroom, a sleep in past 5am and a meal enjoyed with two hands, HEAVEN
Love a witty pun? You’ll only have room for one in your vocabulary as a parent – poonami! Bought a very overpriced tiny outfit for a special occasion? Poonami! 5 minutes into a long car trip? Poonami! Sitting on grandma’s lap… Ok you get the idea
8. Happiness is… seeing a child that isn’t yours having a total meltdown in a public place
Old you would say ‘someone shut that kid up’, new-you feels like Parent of the Year thinking ‘oh thank god that’s not mine’
9. Prepare to cook an 8 course degustation at every meal
Every meal will be a process of ‘bite, bite, bored of that’, usually followed by tears and a side of puree smeared all over the walls and throughout your unbrushed mum bob.
10. At the risk of being too “10 things I hate about you”…
All the tough moments will fade away into insignificance with a simple smile. You will be more exhausted than you ever thought possible, but you will be filled with a love you didn’t even know existed. Your home will be a total mess and you will live with a pint sized interior designer who insists ‘wall art’ is the new big thing, but you literally wouldn’t have it any other way. Sometimes it will feel like you’ve lost your whole identity, like you can’t even remember who you were before you were ‘mum’ or ‘dad’, but that’s only because you will realise that there is nothing more important in the world. So, drinking your cold coffee, get interrupted every 2 seconds and cleaning up your poonamis, because they will literally be the most precious moments of your life – remember to enjoy it.
Viviana Rossios is the founder of Little Ones, a new “Uber-style” app connecting parents with verified, qualified caregivers. Little Ones is launching later this year and is currently taking pre-registrations from caregivers and parents.
You might also like to read: