The scariest part of becoming a mum is not knowing. Not knowing how your pregnancy is going to go, how the birth is going to go, how much your life is going to change, how attached you’re going to feel to this little person you created. No one really tells you everything.

I mean you see the glowing images in magazines and on TV of the beautiful glowing pregnant women holding their belly or the new mum holding her new newborn and smiling. The mum who looks like she’s got her shit together she’s got this whole parenting thing down and is already going back to work. The mum whos staring down at her baby while she breastfeeds.

But its not at all like what its made out to be. I had the worst pregnancy with my first child it was horrible I planned to have a natural birth with no drugs. Well that didn’t happen I made it to 8cm and I couldn’t do it anymore I was done I wanted to go home. Then I had a morphine shot. For anyone that hasn’t had morphine while in labour let me warn you now don’t do it! You still feel everything! It helped me relax between contractions enough to go to sleep but as soon as one came on I was screaming my lungs out in pain! And the vomiting NO ONE told me the vomiting doesn’t end with the pregnancy nooo… it happens during labour too.

Then if you choose to breastfeed there’s the whole establishing feeding the baby is placed on your chest and you attempt your first feed. Well… breastfeeding is not easy I struggled in the beginning with both my daughters my first daughter didn’t latch properly she ended up damaging my nipples in the hospital they gave me a nipple shield but her suction was so strong it pulled bits of my nipple through the holes in the shield OUCH. I ended up with scabs on the ends of my nipples so I express fed her for two weeks we had her checked for a tongue tie which she didn’t end up having.

When it came to my second I was sure I was going to breastfeed her too but we had problem after problem. she refused to open her mouth enough to latch properly she had no visible ties. I had a lactation consultant come over to us in the hospital but she just grabbed my boob and her head and put her on said that’s how it should be and walked off..  I was in shock. I knew how it was meant to be but she wasn’t doing it so when we went home I express fed which I continued for two months as she still wouldn’t latch and preferred the bottle.

Then she ended up getting oral thrush which led to me having nipple thrush cause I was still attempting to breast feed during that two months. So the thrush led to cracked nipples and a lot of pain. In the end we made the choice to swap to formula. My daughter was barely gaining weight I wasn’t looking after myself either so I wasn’t eating properly to help give her what she needed.

Then I was diagnosed with PND I was prescribed antidepressants which I didn’t want to have to take I was determined to get through this without meds. I did start taking them but had really bad side effects so stopped then my doctor gave me a different one and told me to try them n keep taking them which I had a couple but I was set on doing it without them. I was set up with a psychologist and she was great she really helped.

I still have my bad days but I am a lot happier and in a better place. my anxiety sometimes gets the better of me though. But that is something I had before my kids came along and in a way having them has helped it but also made it worse.. its just something that I have to learn to cope with.

If I could go back in time I don’t think I would change anything. I honestly don’t know where I would be today if I didn’t have my kids.

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