After 7 years with my partner, I was thrilled when I found out we were pregnant. It was hard as he was living in a different state due to his line of work, but we managed.

Soon after I told him we were having a baby I stopped hearing from him, this absolutely broke my heart. He said the only thing he wanted to know was sex of the baby. After a while I found out what we were having and told him it was a boy, this still didn’t make a difference. He still didn’t want to be part of his life.

I went through the next 9 months of the pregnancy on my own.

I didn’t see or hear from him again till he asked for a DNA test, which ended up being the babies due date can you believe. When he arrived at my house I was so nervous and so very scared at what he would say and do.

I was scared of the unknown.

The visit went OK, it was awkward at times as I really didn’t know what to say.  To me, the strong man I knew and remembered was no longer.

For me, this whole situation was stressful and so uncomfortable. Over the last 7 years, I experienced a lot of emotional abuse. I was ashamed of seeking professional help, after some time I received counseling and was on anti-depressants.

I have learned now that there is no shame in seeking help and nothing to be ashamed of!

The next day after the DNA test I was having dinner with my friends who noticed I wasn’t my normal bubbly self. I was all churned up inside, stressed out nothing to do with my pregnancy but with what was happening with my Baby’s Dad,

I questioned myself did I handle it ok? Could I have handled this situation better?

During the dinner, as these thoughts are racing through my head, one thought immediately popped in “why haven’t I felt my baby move?” Then I thought, “have I felt it move at all today?”

NO, I hadn’t.

Sitting there at dinner with my friends I was full of angst and completely restless. Should I mention it I to them? I asked myself, silly me I decided not to say anything.

When I arrived home my anxiety was worse, why haven’t I felt my baby move?

I lay on the couch talking to my baby, but still no movements. By this time it was 3 am.

I make a call to my friend as I had to tell someone. I was hysterical ”my baby isn’t moving” I shouted.

She calmed me down and told me she’s on her way and told me to call the hospital to let them know what was happening.

As I was changing and was on the phone to the hospital, telling them what is happening inside, all the while I was saying a little prayer asking for everything to be all right and trying to think positive.

We arrived at the maternity ward and they immediately put me on a bed.  I was strapped to a heart monitor with my own heart racing a hundred miles an hour, was my baby going to be OK.

After what felt like an eternity of waiting we heard it …. the babies heartbeat!

The feeling of relief that ran over my body was indescribable.

After my friend and I calmed down we received a call from her husband to see if everything was ok, which was very sweet of him! This made me think, who is going to be my babies role model if his own Father wasn’t apart of his life?

I have an amazing Family and Friends but still, I felt very alone! I felt judged.

From that moment I knew I had to fight for my Baby! I needed to speak up not only for myself but for him as well. The Midwife said for me to stay a little while longer until she knew everything was OK. So, we stayed a little longer… 3 days in fact.

After the third day, the midwife had just put the baby monitor on me again. She went to walk away, but suddenly she stopped mid-step and threw her head around.

She looked at the baby monitor and said: “I have never heard the machine make that sound before!”

eeek! I thought, are you kidding me!

The machine reads a heartbeat at 65bpm,” said the Midwife, “I’m going to ring your Doctor to see if she wants to do a Caesarean,  are you ok with that?”

My response was “please do whatever you have to do to make sure my baby is OK! “

After experiencing the terror of not feeling my baby move my emotions were still very raw.  I was scared of the possible outcome,  I didn’t want my baby to die all I wanted was my baby to born safely and alive!

I was crying. I was alone and there was nothing I could do. I was still only 1 cm dilated and nothing was happening. I didn’t care how my baby was delivered,  the birth wasn’t about me it was about him!

So many stories come up about stillbirths or someone knows someone who’s baby died during delivery (in my experience) these stories seem more and more common during pregnancy.

I called my best friend to let her know what is happening she was on her way in! I needed all the support I could get. I did not want to go through this on my own.

I was so emotional, so many emotions were running through me at this point.

As I was wheeled in on the bed and sat up for the epidural my friend asked if she can be with me she was advised no, she couldn’t. I couldn’t believe it, I ‘was’ going to be on my own for the delivery.

As I was lying there, given the medication to numb my body lower body I was scared I didn’t know if my baby would be alive. I tried to remain calm. Trying to stay still with a huge needle going into your back! What if I moved?

I was shaking and was going into shock. I had a massive headache felt really groggy, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to hold my baby properly if they were to put it on my chest. 

After what seemed like ages I heard it… the first cries of my baby!

The first time you hear it, it’s the most incredible relief!

After three days in the hospital my beautiful baby boy was born at 10 am on 11/12/13, it’s uncanny that the numbers run 10, 11, 12, 13.

I was sad that my Son didn’t have his Dad there when he was born. I felt like my Son was missing out, he didn’t deserve to be hurt like that. My Son is the innocent one yet he is the one who missed out. I was angry at his Dad that he did that to him!

Above all, I knew my job was to love my little boy with everything that I have and give him the life he deserves.

I thought, if I could get through all of this on my own, well I could do pretty much anything.