Kiddipedia
As adults, we often talk to each other about our kids and our own parenting decisions. Some parents overshare, while a few may withdraw. Some may look to each other for advice and sometimes, for validation. Without realising it, we may listen, judge and compare, albeit with the best of intentions. What should we do if we begin to feel overwhelmed as parents and caregivers? As a working mum of two young adults, it’s still a juggling act. Compared to when I was a young mum, I am happy to report, that I am much kinder to myself.
A room full of parents
Rewind 15 years: I made the decision to be a stay at home mum for a few years. We had two little girls under two. I worked part-time after a while but then had the challenge of working full-time with two young kids. I initially took time ‘off’ to be there for our kids- now, there’s a paradox in terms!
Our young family’s playgroup experiences were good. We attended weekly playgroup sessions, (we were on a single income and on a tight budget so, an affordable playgroup option was a bonus.) Playgroup also got us out of the house and it broke up our week. I met some really great people and the kids loved the fun activities that we all took turns to plan.
I do recall that there were times when I thought some parents were outwardly bragging about their children’s milestones. I remember feeling somewhat isolated in the group at times because my first child took a while to start speaking clearly and in complete sentences. I was in a room full of parents yet, I felt alone. I remember thinking: I am a passionate and experienced teacher for goodness sake- I can teach thirty kids in a classroom, why isn’t my kid speaking clearly like other 18-month-old kids? What are we doing wrong? I gave myself a hard time. It turned out that I had nothing to worry about.
My own worst enemy
Back then as a new mum in my early 30s, I was the classic ‘always being hard on myself as a new mum’ type. Despite trying to do my best for my family, I was my own worst enemy. I wanted and strive to be the best mum I could be. The pressures I put on myself up until a few years ago, were unnecessary and unhelpful. I sought advice from various professionals and sorted out my priorities. I was coached to take baby steps; (no pun intended!) to become more aware of my self-sabotaging thinking. I had no idea I was doing it.
Priorities
What is it you want to feel as a parent? Is your family safe and usually happy? What is it you want for your kids? Are you or your child experiencing difficulties? If you feel overwhelmed with a parenting dilemma, share that feeling with a trusted other, away from your child, (kids are amazing at overhearing conversations, which can be problematic!) By sharing with a professional or a friend, it can help to hear that your stresses are real, justified sometimes, common or, that there may be small changes you can make to make a big difference to how you’re feeling. It’s OK to share.
Yes, a quiet coffee…
Your kids are at school and you decide to meet up with other parents after the morning drop-off. You love an unrushed espresso and this adult time is so precious. It’s part of who you used to be, before kids. Your friends and other parents are together in the café and so, you listen to the conversations. Some people seem be taking over the conversations- (maybe they see it as an open forum to and talk about their ‘amazing’ families or conversely, their parenting dramas.) A relaxed coffee? Hmmm!
Did they need cheese with their whine?
You came to the café in a good mood. Do you feel uplifted after catching up with them or, do you usually walk away from the same group feeling depleted after hearing all about their parenting triumphs as a ‘Super Mum.’ Are you exhausted after having to hear about other parenting dramas?’ Smile to yourself and think that maybe, they needed a nice brie with their whine! Cheeky? Yes, but humour will help. Remember, you also have parenting wins and that the difference might be; that you just don’t need to share them! Personalities are different and depending on how you feel, you might not be fair to your child’s most important family member- you! Mix up the group or grab magazine and a coffee somewhere else, -perhaps on your own! That’d be very ‘Hipster! Mix it up. You deserve to relax.
Different Values
Every family experience is different and each has values which may differ from those of other families, and it’s OK! Issues can arise when some parents unknowingly press others for information about their decisions to say, send their kids to a certain school, or eat non-organic vegetables. It can feel like an interrogation. If it’s relentless and a problem, and if you have the energy to react, smile and politely ask, ‘Our families are probably quite different and that’s OK, isn’t it? (If they persist, perhaps ask ‘Why do you want to know? We just relax with that stuff.’ It will take the heat off you and in doing so, they might just consider why they are asking.) Most people mean well but others just need to be tactfully handled. Act with love and it will usually work out.
‘You don’t know what you don’t know’ ….and it’s OK!
If you feel overwhelmed on a regular basis, professional help is a good idea. Your GP will put you in touch with a trusted professional after assessing your mental health questionnaire. You won’t be the first or, the last parent who feels they’re not coping on that parenting treadmill. You might just need a few sessions, if you need more, your family will benefit. Seek to be around supportive, fun people, who encourage you. Support each other.
The Octopus
When stressed parents try to do the best for everyone, putting themselves last, it’s not sustainable. I love the following analogy and fun test to illustrate what we embark on as we become parents. ‘Trying to hold an octopus in a string bag.’ (It’s not easy and it’s always moving.) Parenting is a dynamic process. If the octopus slips out of the string bag, remember that loving our kids and caring for ourselves come first. Being somewhat happy and relaxed as parents is essentially what most families need.
It’s OK to let that wriggly octopus drop out of the bag, a few times. There are times when parenting feels easier and other times when we sigh deeply, while questioning ourselves and others.
We change as adults at the same times as our kids change, so how can it be easy? Another scientific concept that I feel aptly describes the parenting process is one of tectonic plates. They are unpredictable and can move around suddenly. As parents and carers, we try to maintain a stable environment for our families. Some nights, we may be able to stand tall after our kids are tucked in and asleep. We might even feel happy because we feel strong and ready to face another day.
Do yourself a favour and try to think about the times when you know you’ve shone as a great parent. If you’re like me, it’s probably more often than you give yourself credit for.
Susan Spelic (Reading Advocate) at The Reading Mountain at her recent children’s book launch.
Reading Advocate/Founder of The Reading Mountain Like many women, Susan wears many hats as a Mother, Educator, Author, Reading Advocate, Literacy Specialist, Professional Speaker and Creative.
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