Kiddipedia

Kiddipedia

There is no position description you’re meant to fulfil

Observation and reflection: building kids’ core skills for life

Having the opportunity to write about the role of dads in the early years of childhood got me thinking about my little boy who has just turned 4 and my little girl who is 16 months old.

Was I focused in relation to the role I wanted to play and very intentional along the way, with a clear plan?

Probably not.

Outside of making sure the logistics of everything were running smoothly (that’s what I do) enabling my wife to do what she needed to do for the little one, I didn’t really set out with what success looked like in my mind. Outside of the obvious, the 101 of dads guide.

Was this wrong???

If I was looking to be crystal clear on my role, should I not be clear on exactly what are kids generally expected to be able to do when they are 4?

Just like any coach, teacher or even manager of people, if you aren’t clear on the abilities of those you are working with, then how can you play a supporting role?

Damn it… I wish I had written this article earlier.

What skills does a 4-year-olds have?

  • Sing twinkle twinkle little star or Spiderman theme song
  • Run “super fast”
  • Get dressed whilst doing everything else but get dressed
  • Up and down stairs and over the back of the couch
  • Build lego, paint, “messy draw” and create
  • Understand for the most part what you are saying
  • Choose to ignore most of what you are saying
  • Laugh, cry, cuddle and kiss
  • Have beliefs and opinions

So when it comes to all this, the role of a dad is really to guide, support and nurture things of interest without becoming overbearing or taking over because you have a personal connection to something.

And there will be times of ‘show’. Show interest and show how to do it.

Do all dads have the same role? Or the same list of priorities to achieve along the way?

Probably not. Roles change, family structure changes and social expectations certainly change. In time, it’s safe to say that the view of a father will continue to alter and it may well depend on factors such as social, religious and economic plus family beliefs. But does that mean your actions should alter with what society expects?

No, I don’t believe so.

Why? Because as humans, we all at our core want the same things, which are to be part of a community, belong, contribute and be heard… We crave and want connection. With that in mind, no matter what external factors might exist, being your child’s teacher to experience and understand those needs, can have a profound impact on their self-esteem and connection with the world around them.

What does success look like? What is a dad really there to do?

This seems like a huge question to offer up, is the answer supposed to be complex?

Here’s what I believe should be a focus for dads:

  • Create a safe environment
  • Show what love is
  • Guide where boundaries are
  • Show that actions have consequences
  • Model positive and healthy behaviours
  • Have conversations that are real, your child might not understand everything now but it will help later down the track
  • Read a book every night
  • Enjoy meals together with no TV on
  • Listen, don’t always feel the need to be heard
  • Be involved
  • Build them up
  • Play!

And importantly, be a role model, which is probably on reflection where I missed the mark with too much frequency. There were indeed times when I was too focused on a task at hand and needed to get something done where I missed the opportunity to be the best version of me and be a great fatherly model. There were times too when I was frustrated about progress not being made and that didn’t enable me to make the situation as good as it could be.

And isn’t that what we are here to do? Make each situation as good as it can be.

You can’t get time back but you can make changes going forward.

2 Thoughts to ponder on

What do we all wish we had more of?

Time

The role of a father is to slow down with your kid(s) not to be in such a rush to do the next thing or the next chore on the list, 90% of those things don’t really matter.

I will repeat so many things we worry about, won’t matter and really amount to lost emotional energy that we could be investing in our role as dads.

Cherish the time, show your children the value of each minute, be gracious, have gratitude and be in the moment as it’s all we truly have.

Much like anything in life, we get better as we do things. As a life coach, I am always talking to people about where confidence comes from, which is:

  • Acceptance of the reality
  • Learning new skills
  • Putting them into practice
  • Repetition with discipline

Knowing that, how can you take steps in your role as a father and gain confidence in your abilities?

Start small: what one thing would you look to improve on this week?

You don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to be the guy with worlds best dad on his t-shirt but you do have to show up each day, get better each day and make this moment the best moment for you (and them).

Learn from your mistakes and embrace your role no matter what that might be right now.

 

Luke Fenwick is a Life coach and behaviour strategist with over 25 years of real-world experience in places such as LVMH and Melbourne United. He combines these experiences and knowledge to support organisations, leaders and teams to pursue their potential. He has engaged with thousands of people over his working life and uses this insight to drive successful change. He is most importantly husband and father to two children and writes about his journey as a dad.

Connect via www.luke.fenwick.com or subscribe to his regular blog.