Kiddipedia
By Kiani Mills, Founder of Imperiale Conveyancing and Co-founder of Edwards Mills
When I found out that my child had special needs, as her parent, I believed it was my fault. I had failed her. Selfishly, I got caught up in ‘why me’, ‘what did I do wrong’?
While it’s hard to talk about, I can now acknowledge the anger and resentment I carried, and the disappointment I felt. I played the victim, rather than seeing the gift I had right in front of me – the beautiful little girl.
It took some very turbulent life events, and a very direct pediatrician to initially diagnose Summer with ADHD and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). While this initially provided some mental and emotional relief – finally having a diagnosis – something still didn’t sit right.
Summer’s brother Kody had already been diagnosed with ADHD, yet despite similar diagnosis, they were very different children. While I knew that all kids present ADHD differently, even the ODD didn’t fit for me.
So, I trusted my gut and I persevered. After six months of tests, and thousands of dollars in practitioners, she was diagnosed with Level 2 Autism, needing the assistance of a Psychologist, Speech Therapist, Occupational Therapist and play-based learning activities.
Finally, I had the proof that Summer wasn’t bad or naughty, she was just a little different. And it was my job to parent her in the way that she needed, not the way I ‘thought’ I should.
My whole mindset changed. Her ‘inability’ to follow instructions became an understanding that she didn’t know how to follow my instructions. Her ‘defiance’ in not doing what she was told was now seen as an awareness that she can only do one task at a time. I now understood that when she screamed and yelled, she was sharing her frustration at not being able to communicate with us clearly in a way that we could understand.
So, what did I do?
Trial and error
Every child is different, and for Summer, there was a lot of trial and error. But if what worked for me can help even just one family, it’s worth sharing.
- Reward systems: we started with stickers, then moved to gold stars, checked boxes and finally a white board that Summer can draw on herself and rub it out when she had finished.
- Daily schedules: this helped Summer see what we had on. She can see what order we will do things in, and what she needs to do next.
- Consistent messaging: I work closely with her specialists and bring home the practice. What she does with them, she does with me.
- Talking at her level: no one wants to be talked down to so I kneel down and look her in the eye. Summer knows that I am not only listening, but that she is being heard.
- Safety at night: a big thing for Summer was feeling safe at night, so I often lie in her bed, read a book and let her fall asleep knowing she has nothing to worry about.
By far, though, the biggest change came when I implemented some changes to her diet and introduced alternative practitioners into her world. I learnt all about the gut and what we now refer to as ‘Summer’s second brain’. I know that if she is hungry, she cannot function. I also know that she cannot tolerate gluten, dairy, sugar, processed foods or preservatives. Here I was thinking I was feeding her a balanced diet. But I wasn’t giving her the right balanced diet for her needs.
She has now learned how to live and make conscious choices around her food so she can feel better and be happier. Her gut is her brain, so if her gut is happy so is she.
No cookie cutter approach
There is no one-size-fits-all approach, but rather a holistic approach to each individual person. I learned I needed to listen and get to know my child, as she has a voice, and it’s so important she feels heard.
One thing I realised is that Summer requires a healthy balance of power and attention. Power may come from decisions she makes – she chooses whether to eat corn or carrot, to wear pink or blue socks or to read a book or play a game. I give her options, within some boundaries, but I provide her the freedom and power to make decisions for herself.
My final tip?
Repair things as you go along. Every meltdown feels like its unbearable, and ‘the worst one yet’, but it’s not and the ‘repair’ that is done after a meltdown will help guide them through the next. They are not ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’ or ‘rude’ or ‘disrespectful’, they simply don’t understand, or have become frustrated, or aren’t being heard, or have made the wrong choice.
Life is all about choices, so letting them know and teaching them the difference between a right and wrong choice and the consequences of such, will help you in the long run, but most importantly will help them in the short term.
Get their opinion on what happened – how did they feel, what did they experience and then help them understand why you didn’t let them have that piece of cake right before dinner or let them buy that giant remote-control car at the shops. It’s done without blame or shame, but gives insight, clarity and potentially a solution – when can they have that cake, maybe they can have the car for their birthday.
Remember, their little brains just aren’t quite up to speed with ours, or where we expect them to be. It’s my job to slow down to Summer’s speed, not rush her to catch up to mine. It’s ok that I won’t always get it right. I just need to let her be her.
Kiani Mills is a serial entrepreneur, single mother and speaker. She is the Founder of Imperiale, a successful nationwide specialist property conveyancing firm and the co-founder of Edwards Mills, an industry-leading buyers advocacy business she co-founded with MAFS alumni Jake Edwards in 2021.
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LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kiani-mills-bba19767/
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Website: https://www.kianimills.com/
