Kiddipedia
There is so much emphasis on best practice parenting that very little time is given talking about how much is enough. If you read a bit about parenting you’ll come across lots ideas about not letting kids cry, keeping the environment sterile, the perfect diet, best sleeping and settling routines, the ideal education, best practices for discipline and so on. But is it possible for parenting to be too good? The answer is a resounding yes!
There are many ways we can overdo it as parents. Take the example of a baby crying. We should always be alert to what’s happening for our children, especially infants. However, racing in as fast as possible to deal with the cause can lead to children learning to expect that their needs will always be met immediately.
Obviously, there will be situations when it is urgent to get to an infant as quickly as possible. Most parents will be familiar with the cry their child makes when he or she is injured. Usually, babies cry when they are hungry, need a nappy changed, are tired or frustrated. In those situations, there is less urgency.
When a baby expects its needs to be met immediately, it grows into a child with the same expectations, and then an adult with the same expectations. In more extreme cases, when those children don’t get their needs met quickly they can feel sad and rejected, or become angry. There have also been documented cases where being too good as a parent leads to mental health problems for children.
In an effort to be the perfect parent, there is a risk that parents will raise children who can’t cope with frustration. This becomes a real problem when they grow up and have to deal with the real world. The adult world is full of frustration.
Every adult knows that the world does not revolve around them. In the 1960’s a team of researchers at Stanford University devised a test called the Marshmallow test. The Marshmallow test involves sitting a group of young children in front of a plate with a marshmallow on it. The children are told that they can eat the marshmallow if they like, but if they can wait until the researcher returns to the room they can have 2. Some kids are very good at it and can hold out for another treat, others only last a few seconds.
This test of tolerance for frustration has been replicated around the world for over 50 years. There have been studies that have tracked the children from pre-school to adult life. The findings are amazing. Children who can tolerate frustration have better outcomes at school, in work and in relationships. Children who can’t tolerate frustration are more likely to drop out of school, have trouble with the law and earn less money.
So what’s the bottom line? The reality is we are all still working it out – parents and parenting specialists.
However, we need to think about the demands the world places on us and prepare our children for those demands.
Doing too much for our children can leave them with unrealistic expectations, and does not help them develop coping skills for those times when things don’t go their way.
If you’ve been one of those parents that try to be perfect, take some time to reflect on what you’re setting your child up for. You may find you can relax a bit, enjoy parenting more, and raise children who become better adults as a result.
Dr Simon Kinsella, Clinical Psychologist can be contacted at:
CPC Consulting
03 8317 0444
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The Dangers of Too Good Parenting
