Kiddipedia
The idea of modelling good and appropriate behaviours to our kids is one that is close to my heart.
As a clinical psychologist, I am increasingly dismayed by the rising levels of mental health issues in our beautiful country, and indeed, around the world. It is my personal belief that the way in which we deal with high levels of stress in our lives significantly affects the state of our mental health. Ongoing high levels of stress are associated with increased levels of both anxiety and depression, as well as a range of physical issues such as compromised immune system, and an increased risk of heart attacks and strokes.
For you, as a parent, one of the first behavioural signs that you might be stressed is snapping at your kids or your partner when you feel pressured. The upshot is that stressed and/or anxious parents often model stressed and anxious responses to their kids when they feel overwhelmed.
A stressed or anxious response from a parent in the face of “naughty” behaviour might be to smack or yell or even throw something. If you are nodding your head, thinking, “Yep, been there, done that,” you are not alone. It’s common, and you probably learned those reactions from your parents when you were a child. Unfortunately, if you continue to model these understandable reactions to your child, they in turn will learn that an explosive or aggressive response is appropriate when faced with behaviours they don’t like. And, of course, a parent “acting out” rarely resolves the naughty behaviour of the child.
One of the most obvious issues with modelling “good” behaviour is that you, as the parent, must have the “good” behaviour embedded in order to model it to your child.
So, how do you stop snapping and stay calm when your kids play up?
Recognise and name your reactive behaviour
Using your power of visualisation, I’m going to help you create two images that will help you step back from that explosive, reactive behaviour and back into a cool, calm response. Let me introduce you to your “bratty 3-year-old” and your “cool, calm, collected adult”.
The bratty 3-year-old
The reactive loop in our brains was fully developed by the time you were around 3 years of age, and it is that part of the brain that is responsible for your emotive, over-the-top responses when you feel stressed or overwhelmed. It is sometimes hard to pull back from that snappy, angry, or teary behaviour when we are in full flight.
Just imagine yourself as an ugly, red-faced, snotty-nosed bratty 3-year-old. Make the image in your mind almost cartoon-like, an over-the-top caricature of yourself as a horrible bratty little 3-year-old. Once you have that image embedded it will likely flash into your mind whenever you snap. This will help you both recognise your reactive behaviour and make it easier to step away from that over-the-top response.
Instead of acting like a bratty 3-year-old, choose instead to be a cool, calm, collected adult.
The cool, calm, collected adult
The cool, calm, collected adult represents the thinking, rational part of your brain. Once again, just imagine yourself as an ideal, in-control, version of yourself as you would like to be seen. This is the image you choose over the bratty 3-year-old.
Teaching your kids to choose calm behaviour
As your child grows, they will see you model calm behaviour in the face of their tantrums. Modelling appropriate behaviour is a powerful teaching tool as kids learn a lot by example.
As they get a little older, you can also teach them to imagine their own versions of a bratty 3-year-old and a cool and calm 5-, 8-, or 12-year-old. Even a relatively young child won’t want be seen to be a little snot-nose.
Dr Tracey Zielinski is a clinical psychologist, author and speaker who is passionate about teaching people to better recognise and manage stress which she believes has become a silent assassin in our complex and modern world. She has recently published her first book, Get it Together Forever! The Ultimate Guide to Stepping into Control of Your Own Life.
More information about Tracey can be found on:
Facebook (personal): https://www.facebook.com/tracey.zielinski.79/
Facebook (business): https://www.facebook.com/Getittogetherforever/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracey-zielinski-24b384221/
Email: drtraceyzielinski@gmail.com
