Kiddipedia
Enter #selfcare into Instagram and you could be excused for thinking that you need to be a 20 something female with a large disposable income and an absence of children to participate in this glorious use of time. But as an exhausted parent, crawling towards the finish line of lockdown after juggling home-schooling whilst maintaining a functioning household and probably a career, you need this elusive self-care more than most.
We all know in theory that looking after our own needs is important for our physical and mental health. We know that in doing so it allows us to then take better care of others. But the reality for many parents is that it is hard to find the time. It often feels like yet another item on our endless ‘to do’ list and, if we do somehow find some time for ourselves we end up feeling guilty.
But working as an Occupational Therapist who supports the health and wellbeing of parents, especially new parents, I have a startling revelation. Self-care is probably not what you think it looks like. With the slow lifting of restrictions post pandemic lockdown, parents have a unique opportunity to re-establish their self-care. The following will help you discover unique ways you can take care of yourself as you recover from the intensity of lockdown and set yourself up for a lifetime of attainable, effective self-care.
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Effective self-care is not all green smoothies and yoga poses
Self-care is definitely not a one size fits all approach, despite the media portrayal. You may have tried yoga or a week of smoothie bowls only to feel like a failure as you didn’t feel any more rejuvenated. You may feel as though self-care is unattainable because you can’t afford the day spa treatments, let alone a whole afternoon to yourself. There is not something wrong with you, there’s something wrong with the stock standard portrayal of self-care as a certain lifestyle or a set of aesthetically pleasing occupations.
We all have individual needs and preferences as to what makes us feel rejuvenated or comforted. That’s why your self-care should look different to my self-care.
The time of day that we find these activities useful or practical
Since becoming a mum, I now utilise early mornings as a space to fit in occupations that fulfill me. I do this so I can ensure I get my daily leisure in before my son wakes. I also enjoy being up at this time. But you may have children that already wake at 5am or just really hate mornings. That means self-care at 5am is not going to be very effective for you. There’s no point planning sunrise journaling if mornings are impossible for you. Look at your own situation and try to allocate a regular spot in your day for yourself, whenever that may be.
Interests
I love food and cooking. As such, I find this relaxing and make time to fit this into my life in a way that works with having a busy toddler bustling around my feet. Many people hate cooking and see this as a chore. Therefore, cooking dinner each night is not going to be something that rejuvenates you. But maybe you enjoy gardening, and this is something you weave into the 168 hours that make up a week.
Sensory preferences
We all have preferences for what sensory input makes us feel comfortable such as sound, touch, smell, taste or movement. I love being hugged and I love hugging others. This makes me feel content. This is not the case for many people and why getting a massage is definitely not self-care for some people. I also love how Duplo blocks feel in my had as I stack them together and the sight of them all being the same colour; there’s something cathartic in creating order out of the chaos. To you, this may sound ridiculous. To me, it can provide little bursts of relaxation dispersed throughout my day. Small bursts of activity that meet your sensory needs are a really underutilised form of self-care. Think listening to music (not your children’s favourites), playing on that playground yourself, slowly eating a meal you enjoy or literally stopping to smell the roses or something else you love the smell of – freshly cut grass anyone?
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Quality sleep is a foundation of effective self-care that we all need
One of the true commonalities we all share when it comes to taking care of ourselves is the need for quality sleep. Parents of small children often don’t have the luxury of sleep ins but taking steps to ensure you fall asleep quickly, have quality sleep and consistently get around 8 hours, can negate the need for big sleeps ins. I could (and have!) written whole blog posts about the ingredients for adult sleep but I will very briefly give my top 5 for parents here:
Avoid screen time before bed
In short, screens emit a blue light which tells the brain its daytime. When you use screens such as TV, laptops and phones before bed, it stops the needed melatonin (a sleep hormone) production and signals to the brain that it’s not time to sleep. Using devices before bed can make falling asleep take a whole lot longer than it needs to. So quit your screens at least an hour before bed to maximise the shut eye you can get. If you can’t stomach that, at least put them on night mode to reduce some to that blue light.
No screens in the bedroom
As above, using screens in bed will tell your brain its daytime but it also gives your brain mixed messages about what bed is for. To maximise sleep, beds should only be used for intimacy and sleep. It’s also useful to know, that even just having the phone in the room can have a negative impact on our sleep. This is because our use of mobile phones is changing how our brains operate and our subconscious continues to pay attention to our phone whether it’s on silent or not. Even when we are asleep our brains know the phone is there and is staying alert to whether it wants our attention. So remove the phone and get a traditional alarm clock instead. An even better solution – get a Wi-Fi smart globe in your bedside lamp and be woken by light instead. Lifechanging!
Have a consistent bedtime
This is boring but effective. Having the same bedtime and waking up the same time results in better sleep as it allows you to work with your circadian rhythm (body clock) not against it. This is hopefully getting easier with children back in school and less reliance on late nights to get work done. If you are one to get stuck watching TV before bed, try setting a bedtime alarm.
Watch your caffeine and alcohol intake
Both caffeine and alcohol block the production of melatonin, which, as I have already mentioned, is a hormone responsible for telling our brain to sleep. These substances stay in our system for hours and will therefore block melatonin production for hours, so it’s best to avoid in the evening. An additional problem with alcohol is that it not only delays the onset of sleep, it significantly impacts sleep quality by reducing the amount of deep sleep resulting in a more restless night.
Optimise your sleep environment
To foster quality sleep, you want to ensure your bedroom is dark, a comfortable temperature and have supportive bedding. You may need to change up your pillow, swap your bedding depending on the season or find a way to block any pesky light sneaking in from around your curtains or being emitted from electronics. If you have set up a home office in your bedroom because of COVID-19 restriction, move it to another space if possible as the association of work in the bedroom is not healthy for sleep or mental health. Again, to be a clear as possible, the bedroom is for sleep and intimacy, nothing else should enter the room.
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It’s normal to be apprehensive about re engaging
Just because restrictions are easing doesn’t mean you have to adopt them immediately. I’ve seen an increase in anxiety, particularly in families with new babies regarding the lifting of restrictions. They feel pressure to show off their baby to family and friends because it’s now permitted. It’s normal and healthy to feel protective of your loved ones and want to manage the risks. This has also been an issue for families who have vulnerable community members such as elderly and immunocompromised. It’s okay for you to weigh up the risks and benefits of reengaging in particular activities and venues. My advice is to stay up to date with government recommendations, look at your own unique situation and take a gradual approach to re-engagement. It was a big adjustment to go into lockdown, it’s okay that it can be a big adjustment coming out. Just because you can see people doesn’t mean you have to.
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Use your Covid-19 insights to guide your post lockdown life
One of the common themes discussed by parents during the pandemic was the realisation they were doing way too much. Too many social engagements they didn’t really value, too many extra curricula activities and too many other commitments! They realised many occupations were not missed by the family or that they were not a good return on investment. Yes, they were fun, but they came to realise the time and preparation costs in attending these activities. This has given many families breathing space to re-evaluate what commitments won’t make it back into their post pandemic life. This extra space can give you capacity to be really intentional about what you want your life to look like. This is a perfect opportunity to opt into occupations that are self-care for you and maybe even for the whole family.
Many families have also discovered new ways of managing the essential household occupations. Some have realised they don’t need to go to the supermarket as frequently, clean the house as often or make such elaborate school lunches. This has liberated them to engage in other more meaningful occupations like spending quality time with the family or on their own interests.
It’s all about occupational balance
Work life balance gets a bad rap but that’s because it’s often discussed in terms trying to compress that balance into the space of 24 hours. Achieving life balance in the space of 24 hours when you have children is unattainable for most. Furthermore, categorising this balance in terms of work and life is wholly inadequate. What balance looks like for me will look different for you. Occupational Therapists use the concept of occupational balance to assess the way people spend their time and consider how it impacts health and wellbeing. Occupational Therapists also take a more holistic approach and examine all the essential occupations of life such as sleep, physical activity, social engagement and leisure.
We all have 168 hours in the week and it’s this period of time that can be most useful in assessing and crafting a life with balance. You may have a workday that runs from 7am to 8pm. If you looked at this day in isolation, you would probably conclude that there is little balance, no life. But if you expand the timeframe to examine the full week, you’d see the following day it ran from 8am to 12 – and you spent the afternoon bushwalking with the family, a very different picture emerges. One way of seeing how you’re doing in terms of balance and not just how it feels is to track your time over a couple of weeks. You can see where your time goes and where there’s opportunity to swap out some occupations for meaningful ones.
There are so many approaches that we can use to implementing self-care, even as a busy parent. Hopefully with the small selection of ideas above, you have identified something new that you can incorporate into your life. Key things to keep in mind:
- Look at self-care across the full 168 hours of the week
- Consider your own personal needs including your unique interests, sensory preferences, and family schedule
- Throw away the self-care, work-life balance and ‘good parent’ stereotypes; you’re an individual, your situation is your own, it’s time to make a custom plan for you
- Implement better sleep practices one step at a time
- If you are really struggling to fit self-care into your life or are struggling to identify what self-care you need, reach out and get support from an Occupational Therapist.
For more information, you can email me at emma@elevationwomenshealth.com.au, follow me on Instagram or visit www.elevationwomenshealth.com.au
Emma Diepenhorst helps women from pre pregnancy and beyond to identify effective strategies to build a meaningful life that fosters both physical and mental health. Emma is especially passionate about helping women stay engaged in the workforce despite the challenges of modern life and parenting. She loves taking the latest research and translating it into practical strategies that work in the real world. Emma holds a Masters in Occupational Therapy Studies, a Post Graduate Diploma in Psychology and Bachelor of Science (Psychology). She founded Elevation Women’s Health following the birth of her son after realising the disconnect between physical and mental health guidance for new parents.
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