Listening Effectively So That Your Child Feels Heard (During Divorce and any other time)

Parenting isn’t about perfection. Life gets busy, and sometimes your child will want to talk when it’s not the most convenient time. If that happens, be honest with them: “I really want to listen to you, but I can’t right now. Can we talk after I finish the shopping?” This honesty helps set expectations and shows that you care.

Creating consistent opportunities for open, judgment-free conversations strengthens the bond between you and your child. By being genuinely present and open, you may discover things about them that surprise you. Whatever they share, it’s important to them—and when it’s important to them, it should be important to you too.

No parenting is perfect. We all get busy, and sometimes, those perfect moments for conversation come at the most inconvenient times. But by making time for them—no matter when—you show that they matter. Whether it’s after finishing the shopping or during bedtime, setting aside time for uninterrupted, focused conversation will strengthen your relationship and help you understand them better.

This need to be heard becomes even more crucial during times of change and emotional upheaval—such as a divorce. When a family dynamic shifts, children may struggle with emotions they don’t fully understand. During such a difficult time, one of the most important things you can do is ensure your child feels heard. Effective communication can strengthen your bond, build their confidence, and create an environment of trust and security.

But truly listening goes beyond just hearing words—it’s about picking up on what’s said and what’s left unsaid. Here’s how you can listen in a way that makes your child feel truly understood.

Three Key Ways to Listen

Listening actively means being aware of more than just what your child says. These three simple steps will help you listen more effectively:

Listen to what’s being said—and what’s not
Sometimes, the words they speak are just the surface. The real emotions and thoughts might be hidden. Pay attention to what they’re not saying as much as to what they are.
Notice their body language
How your child speaks is as important as what they say. Are they making eye contact? Are they fidgeting? The tone, pace, and body language will give you a lot of insight into how they’re feeling.
Trust your instincts
As a parent, you know your child better than anyone. If something doesn’t feel quite right, don’t ignore it. Ask gentle questions to explore their thoughts and feelings more deeply.

When you combine all these elements, your child will feel heard in a way that goes beyond just a conversation.

21 Tips for Effective Communication

Setting the Scene

Create a space and time for uninterrupted conversation
Pick moments when you can really focus—during dinner, while driving, or before bed are great opportunities for your child to talk freely.
Get down to their level and be present
It’s easy to get distracted, but it’s important to physically and emotionally be in the moment with them. Sit down, be calm, and eliminate distractions.
Use a warm and welcoming tone
When you respond, keep your voice open and kind so that your child feels safe and understood.
Make eye contact
Let them know they have your full attention. Eye contact shows you care and are engaged.

Understanding What They’re Saying—and What They’re Not

Pay attention to their body language
Sometimes the word “good” can mean a lot more—loneliness, anxiety, or fear may be hiding behind it. Watch for physical cues and read between the lines.
Look for patterns
If your child frequently mentions something like “I’m not good enough” or “I’m scared,” it might be worth exploring these themes further.
Encourage honesty
Create a space where your child feels they can speak freely without fear of judgment.

Responding the Right Way

Let them finish before you speak
Don’t interrupt. Give them time to fully express their feelings before you respond.
Resist the urge to fix things right away
Sometimes, your child just wants to be heard. Before jumping in with solutions, make sure you understand the whole picture.
Don’t lead their responses
Avoid prompting them with answers or putting words in their mouth. Let them explain things in their own way.
Encourage deeper conversation
After they speak, try asking “Tell me more about that” or “Can you explain?” to understand their feelings more deeply.
Respect their privacy
If your child shares something personal, keep it private. Don’t discuss it with others unless your child is okay with it.

Navigating Tough Conversations

Stay calm, even if it’s tough to hear
If your child shares something that worries you, try to keep your emotions in check. Reacting with anger or frustration can shut them down.
Help them understand consequences without anger
If your child admits to doing something wrong, approach it calmly and talk about the impact of their actions. Appeal to their empathy.
Ask clarifying questions if needed
If something seems off or troubling, don’t be afraid to ask follow-up questions to get a clearer picture of what’s going on.
Acknowledge their courage
Praise them for being brave enough to share their thoughts and feelings with you.

Making Sure You Really Understand

Repeat back what you hear
To make sure you’re on the same page, you can paraphrase what they’ve said. For example, “So, you’re saying you feel sad because… Is that right?”
Use age-appropriate language
Speak in terms your child will understand. Keep it simple and relatable.
Work together on solutions
When discussing challenges, ask your child for their ideas and work together to come up with solutions.
Address safety concerns
If something serious comes up, reassure your child that you’ll handle it appropriately, even if that means talking to another trusted adult.
Praise their openness
Let them know you appreciate their willingness to share their thoughts with you.

No parenting is perfect. We all get busy, and sometimes those “perfect moments” for conversation come at the most inconvenient times. But by making time for them—no matter when—you show that they matter. Whether it’s after finishing the shopping or during bedtime, setting aside time for uninterrupted, focused conversation will strengthen your relationship and help you understand them better. Whatever your child shares, it’s something they care deeply about, and that’s worth listening to.