How Often Can I See My Child?

Breaking-up create a new dynamic in the family and raises a lot of questions. Unfortunately, there isn’t one perfect solution that can be applied to every family and there are a number of unique factors and considerations that each family needs to consider. Understanding how often you have your child and what your rights are can be very confusing from the outset. Rachael Scharrer, Life Change Counsellor and Separation Strategist from Divorce Answered, sheds some light on parenting arrangements and considerations that you should be aware of. Here is what you need to know:

The law. According to the Family law Act of 1975, section 60CC [1], determines the primary considerations for time with parents and what is in the child’s best interest as:

Equal shared care no longer in favour. In 2006, the Howard government introduced shared parental responsibility and shared care as the ‘default’ parenting arrangement. The courts were encouraged to recommend this and enforce 50:50 parenting unless there were substantial concerns for the child’s safety and wellbeing or domestic violence present in the home. For a while, this was the default arrangement for parenting. However, this isn’t the case anymore; while equal shared care worked in some situations, it certainly didn’t work in other situations. Every family is different and one rule of thumb wasn’t appropriate for the majority of families.

The previous care relationships and involvements of each parent with their child is certainly considered when creating a new structure. If one parent hasn’t been directly involved in the daily/weekly routines of the child or if their work situation doesn’t allow for them to be present with the child most days, then this is a factor that needs to be taken into regard.

The age of the child may be a significant determining factor. Generally speaking, younger children (under the age of 6) have a stronger bond to their mothers. Taking the primary care away from the mother at this age can be, in some situations, detrimental to the child. As your child grows, their needs and your situation may change which will require you to update your parenting agreements. Further, older children may become more vocal about their desires and parents will need to work together to respect their child’s wishes, ensure that the child’s needs are met appropriately regardless of who they live with and how to facilitate time for each parent in the new arrangement.

Quality over quantity. The working and school week (Monday to Friday) is considered the administrative part of the week. Making school lunches, homework, school drop-off and pick-ups and ferrying the child to appointments are not considered quality time between parent and child. For this reason, school holidays and weekends are considered the primary quality time periods for a child and these are often shared between the parents. Having one parent do the administrative days and another parent have the quality and fun days is not deemed a fair and equitable split for the parents or child.

Create what you want from the outset. As soon as you break-up, create the relationship with your child and your child’s other parent that you would like to have on an ongoing basis. Regardless of whether you are getting overnights or not, be as involved as you want.

Suggestions for the non-primary parent:

If you can pick your child up from school, facilitate homework and dinner and return the child home to their other parent at an agreed time, then embrace the extra time with your child.
If you are able to work longer hours when you don’t have the child so that you can work reduced hours when you do have your child, make the appropriate arrangements with your employer so that you can be more present when the child is in your care
If you used to get home to say goodnight to your children every night, try to call or facetime them at a suitable time before their bed time routine commences. It’s equally important for parent and child to connect regularly.

Recommendations for both parents:

Do openly communicate with each other. Regularly call or email each other and talk about the needs of the child or changes in their routine.
Do co-parent. Co-parenting is a new way of working together as parents for the benefit of your child and demonstrates to your child that both parents are a united team even though they living in two homes.
Don’t denigrate. Refrain from speaking poorly about the child’s other parent. Also ensure that friends and family refrain from saying nasty things about your child’s other parent in the presence of your child. This may work against you in the long-term with either the child or in Court.
Don’t alienate the other parent. Trying to sway or influence your child’s perspective of their other parent may work short-term but the child will work out their truth in the long run. Parents who alienate or withhold the child from the other parent will often lost primary care of the child.
Do offer flexibility in parenting arrangements. Situation change and things come up. Being able to offer some degree of flexibility in your parenting arrangements can make for a more cohesive parenting relationship. For instance, one parent may need to go away on the weekend that they have their child and want to swap it for the following weekend. One parent may have a hectic schedule around the end of financial year and offer the other parent that time with the child. FIFO (fly-in, fly-out) parents in particular will need flexibility and understanding from the other parent.
Do remain child-focused. If you as parents can consider what your child’s needs and wants may be, rather than you own personal needs and wants, then the decisions you make for your child are likely to be the right ones.
Encourage a positive, healthy relationship between your child and their other parent. Your child has two parents and they are made from both parents. Help your child by being supportive of their time with their other parent and the love that they have for their other parent. Your child should never feel guilty for spending time with one parent, loving either parent or feel divided loyalties to either parent.

Parenting plans, orders, agreements and arrangements are made at any one-point in your life and are based on the circumstances and information that you have at the time. Undoubtedly, situations change and the needs of parents and children change. When circumstances and needs change, updating your agreement and making the necessary adjustments can be helpful for parents and children alike.

In short, you can be as involved in your child’s life as you wish (provided that there aren’t safety concerns). It is possible for two parents who are interested, connected and involved that live in two homes to raise a stable, well-adjusted and secure child. It comes down to your willingness to put in the effort and work with the other parent to achieve this goal.

[1] http://www.familycourt.gov.au/wps/wcm/connect/a242adbd-684b-4d83-a97b-e6593595903f/Consent_orders_Parenting_orders_legislation_070612.pdf?MOD=AJPERES&CONVERT_TO=url&CACHEID=ROOTWORKSPACE-a242adbd-684b-4d83-a97b-e6593595903f-lhReQVH#page=4&zoom=100,0,326