Divorce Answered
When the words ‘child abuse’ are said, people commonly believe the actions to be severe physical violence or severe lengths of neglect. However, throughout divorce, there are lesser actions that can have an equally severe long-term impact on your child and considered mistreatment. “Your child can be emotionally or psychologically scarred from your words and actions throughout divorce. These scars, often unintentional, can take a lifetime to recover from,” shares Rachael Scharrer, life change counsellor and divorce expert from Divorce Answered.
Rachael highlights five actions to avoid inflicting on your child when you are going through a tough life experience, like divorcing:
- Using your child as a therapist. Oversharing with your child is not appropriate. Regardless of the age of your child (even if they are adults), your child doesn’t need to know the intricate details of your break-up, separation and divorce. They don’t want to know your most private thoughts and feelings of hurt, grief and uncertainty. You have friends and professionals (such as counsellors and psychologists) available to you to vent and heal from your trauma or grief.
- Alienating your child from the other parent. Intentionally trying to dissuade your child from seeing their other parent or encouraging distance between your child and their other parent is frowned upon by the Courts. Ultimately this behaviour and your choice of actions may work against you. There have been cases where parents have lost primary care (or not been given access for a period of time) of the child because they were not able to facilitate a healthy relationship between the child and their other parent.
- Using your child as a messenger. Passing messages to your child’s other parent via your child is unnecessary and it’s also not fair for the child to play ‘mediator’ for their parents. Today, we are fortunate to have many avenues to communicate with the other parent. You can SMS, email, call, WhatsApp and so many more! Let your child be a child and find a way to communicate respectfully with your child’s other parent that removes your child from adult communication.
- Withholding custody to negotiate a higher percentage of property settlement. Some parents think that if they withhold access to the child, then the other parent will give a greater portion of the asset pool, which isn’t accurate. Child Support, parenting arrangements and property/financial settlements are three very different matters and handled independently of each other. Withholding your child from the other parent only creates a more antagonistic environment for both parents to reach agreements.
- Denigrating your child’s other parent. It shouldn’t happen, but it sadly does – In anger, hurt or frustration, parents and their friends may talk poorly about the child’s other parent in the presence of the child. Many Parenting Plans and Orders have a standard clause that directs each parent “not to denigrate the other parent in the presence of the child”. While the Order is made to the parent, this rule also applies to friends and family of each parent.
Without realising it, you might be doing one of the five actions above which can be considered a form of child abuse. While it may be a lesser form of child abuse, it is still frowned upon in the process of divorce and can have a longer lasting negative impact on the child than physical violence, broken bones and bruises.
It’s important to remember that your child is the innocent party in your separation. They don’t want to be caught up in the middle of your divorce. They just want to feel normal and have two happy parents that love them.
For more information and resources when separating and divorcing, visit www.divorceanswered.com.au
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