Australian Association of Psychologists Inc
We’ve all been there – rushing to work, battling traffic, scoffing a breakfast bar because we haven’t had time to eat a proper meal……we finally get to childcare, only for our little one to… Just. Stop.
They grab our legs and won’t let go (with a vice-like grip no one knew they had!). Then it comes….. the blood-curdling cry of ”Nooooooooooo! Mummy stay at daycare!”
And the battle to ease our child into the day begins. We leave even more stressed than before, and a bit heartbroken that we left our baby screaming in distress.
So what is a parent to do?
We could simply cry into our extra large latte…..(I’ve been there!) but rest assured there is another way. As an Educational and Developmental Psychologist who frequently works with young children, I find that separation anxiety is one of the most common reasons for families to attend therapy.
In my experience, separation anxiety is something that can certainly be reduced and managed. However, it’s important to understand the developmental processes involved, as well as the impact it has on us as parents. Then we can learn what to do to help our little ones, as well as ourselves!
Why does separation anxiety occur?
This may seem rather obvious, but the truth is that it is developmentally appropriate for young children to experience separation anxiety. In fact, a small amount, or short period of separation anxiety indicates that children have a strong attachment to their caregivers.
Attachment theory developed by John Bowlby (McLeod, 2017) posits that, in their early years, infants have bonded with their caregivers and see them as a safe base from which to explore the world around them. Attachment is adaptive as it enhances the infant’s chances of survival.
As with anything, however, each child develops emotional skills at a different rate. This is influenced by many factors, including: attachment to their caregiver, life experiences, physiological maturation and their environment. This means that there is no specific age that children may display, or successfully move through, separation anxiety. Just as each child has their own unique face, they each have their own developmental trajectory!
Is it the child or is it me?
The answer may lie somewhere in between! As caregivers, we are hard-wired to feel distressed when our child cries. It is our instinct to respond with comfort to help them regulate. Once again, research on attachment tells us that the most securely attached infants are those whose parents respond to their needs quickly and accurately (Schaffer & Emerson, 1964). It is therefore a natural response for a parent to feel the same distress as their child. This message might then be unintentionally passed on to the child. For example, the caregiver who feels distressed when their child is crying out for them might linger in the day care foyer, reassure their child repetitively, stand outside and peek in through the window…..and many other behaviours that let our child know we’re actually NOT OK ourselves!
No one would be blamed for doing any of these things. As we said, this is a natural parental instinct! However, rather than sending our children a message that there is something to be anxious about, we need to try and send them a message of confidence that everything WILL be OK.
Madeline’s top tips for easing separation anxiety:
Bearing all this in mind, here are my top tips for helping our children to navigate feelings of separation anxiety and successfully overcome them. Don’t forget: as with all therapeutic strategies for preschool aged children, most of the work in fact comes from the adults around them and not from the children themselves!
1. Communicate with your child’s teacher/s:
Preschool teachers have a wealth of experience in dealing with this issue. Set aside time to speak to them outside of drop-off time and ensure they are aware of just how your child (and you!) are feeling. Collaborate on strategies that will work within the pre-school setting AND feel right for your child.
2. Send a transition object with your child:
A transition object is an item from home that brings your child a sense of comfort and security. This may be a favourite toy, a photo of their family, a keepsake, or anything that helps them to feel comforted as you separate from them. Ensure teachers are aware that this is the purpose of the object so they can support your child in having it with them.
3. Consider amending the drop-off routine:
Think about what specific moments of the morning drop-off create the most stress and brainstorm ways to change them. Sometimes this takes a bit of trial-and-error but it’s worth mixing it up! For example, do you need to wake up earlier to avoid rushing so much? Is there a particular teacher at daycare that your child feels most comfortable with? And can you time drop off with that teacher’s shift? Does it help to arrive after your child’s favourite friend?
4. Be consistent:
Try to keep the morning routine consistent and predictable. This will help build up your child’s sense of security even before the time comes to separate. Visual checklists of morning tasks to be completed can be helpful in keeping your child on track.
5. Outsource the drop-off:
One of the simplest, and sometimes most effective, strategies is simply to switch places with someone else. As outlined earlier, if you are feeling anxious ahead of drop-off, your child may be picking up on that. On countless occasions I have seen almost immediate improvement simply by having another adult take over the drop off. If there is not a partner available, consider other options such as a grandparent, aunt, uncle or close friend. Kids pick up on our ‘vibe’ and if another adult portrays a calmer and more confident demeanour, sometimes that can do the trick!
6. Read a book:
One of my favourites is “The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst. This beautiful picture book describes an ‘invisible string’ that connects us to our loved ones, no matter where they may be. This can help children feel confident that they are connected to their parents throughout their day. A fun activity is to tie a string around your child’s wrist (you could even get creative and decorate it with beads) and yours, as a reminder of the invisible string connecting you throughout the day.
Don’t forget to set aside some time to talk with an adult yourself about your own reactions and get some help in brainstorming ideas. Speaking to someone ‘outside’ of the situation can be a great debrief, and always helps to give us some perspective!
References:
McLeod, S. A. (2017, February 05). Attachment theory. Simply Psychology. www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html
Schaffer, H. R., & Emerson, P. E. (1964). The development of social attachments in infancy. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 1-77.
Madeline Sibbing is an Educational and Developmental Psychologist currently working in private practice in Melbourne, Victoria. Over the past eighteen years, she has worked with countless children, young people and their families.
Consistently described as an engaging, down-to-earth and knowledgeable therapist, Madeline obtains enormous joy from working with children and young people… as often evidenced by the sounds of laughter and silliness emanating from her therapy room!
