Kiddipedia
With the Christmas holidays less than 100 days away, you might be starting to make plans for the Christmas and school holidays with your children. But, when you need to consider the needs of your ex and their plans for the holidays, it can become a minefield to navigate.
We’ve spoken to Ian Shann, an accredited family mediator at Move On Mediation, based in Perth. As someone who has dealt with co-parenting issues for his clients for over three decades, he’s shared his 10 essential tips for finding peaceful arrangements during the Christmas holidays.
Tip #1 – Discuss Plans With Your Ex Early
The old saying that “Nothing works without a plan” applies to parenting arrangements during the Christmas holidays. In fact, the sooner you start discussing these with your ex, the better for everybody, even if you’re on good terms. If you’re not on good terms, all the more reason to plan well ahead.
Reaching an amicable agreement early with your ex as to exactly what happens during this hectic period allows both of you the time to change plans should something crop up unexpectedly.
Tip #2 – Talk To Your Children
Kids like to know what to expect well in advance so they can start adjusting to the plans and look forward to their long-awaited Christmas holidays. So try to include them in your discussions, and, if age appropriate, seek their input, making them feel important, in control and that you’re still operating as one family.
Tip #3 – Try To Split Your Time Fairly
It is natural for children to want to spend time with both parents, and the same also applies to parents wanting to be with their kids during this happy and special time of year. You both need to put emotions aside, and split your time as equally and as fairly as possible. Unfairness can breed resentment and that is never helpful when trying to maintain a healthy relationship with your ex (or co-parent effectively).
Tip #4 – Acknowledge Christmas Will Be Different
As much as you’d all like things to remain the same, you have no choice but to acknowledge that, after any divorce, Christmas will be different. While some old family traditions may no longer be possible, starting some new ones with your kids can also be as exciting and enjoyable for everyone.
Tip #5 – Avoid Competing With Your Ex
In some divorces, one partner may end up financially better off than the other. In such cases, a mistake some parents make is to compete by buying fancy gifts for their kids, and sometimes it’s stuff they cannot actually afford.
Kids soon cotton on to that, and may try to play one parent against the other. There’s no need for that. The best gift to give your children is your time and your love.
Tip #6 – Stay Flexible
Sometimes things can wrong for either party during this time and all the best laid Christmas plans can go out the window. People get sick, lose their jobs, have their annual leave cancelled, or have to attend to some unforeseen crisis. It’s part of life and we just have to accept it.
When that happens to you or your ex, stay flexible and try to find ways to accommodate everyone, especially your children. Yes, it can be frustrating, but unexpected things happen to everybody at some stage. Even if your ex is being difficult and you’re both still on bad terms, staying flexible and accommodating them may just be the turning point in restoring a peaceful relationship.
Tip #7 – Focus On The Children’s Best Interests
Focusing on the children’s best interests is the key in resolving any parenting dispute or making any difficult decision. And let’s face it, Christmas holidays are such a special time of year for children, parents should try to do their utmost to ensure it is a happy and memorable period for them.
It’s no wonder acting in the best interests of the child, is a primary condition of the Australian Family Law.
Tip #8 – Communicate Carefully
Communicating with your ex may be difficult and stressful, particularly if the pains and emotions of divorce are still running high. To ensure your Christmas arrangements work out, you both need to put your emotions aside and communicate carefully and clearly with each other, particularly if there are complicated long-distance travel plans for the children.
If you feel that your ex may push your buttons and emotions will get the better of you, consider communicating by email, text or use one of the many great co-parenting apps that are available. That way, you won’t have to face each other and have time to think before responding.
Tip #9 – Be Consistent Across Households
It is often said that children thrive off consistency but, after a divorce, no two parents have the exact same set of rules in their homes, which may be confusing to the children during the early stages of the separation. Discuss this issue with your ex and try to set some boundaries that will result in consistency across the two households, making life a little easier for the children.
During holiday periods, routine can go out the window, but retaining some form of consistency can help children to feel safe and secure in both households.
Tip #10 – Consider Celebrating Together
If the post-divorce relationship with your ex is amicable enough, you both may wish to consider celebrating the Christmas festivities or at least one of them together, recreating a united family-feel for the children. That doesn’t need to be a full day together, but perhaps, a Christmas lunch, or Christmas Eve dinner, or simply the joyous occasion of opening their Christmas presents.
After all, Christmas for many people is a special, warm and the most reconciliatory time of the year. So why not?
Ian Shann is the principal mediator and director of Move On Mediation in Perth.
Move On offers affordable and effective family mediation for separating couples.
Ian’s commitment is simple – to help keep separated couples out of the Family Court and minimise their need for lawyers, saving them time, money and anguish.
Under Ian’s guidance, separated couples are able to Move On with their lives through amicable and affordable family mediation.
Website: https://www.moveon.com.au/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/moveonmediation
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ian-shann
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXr_FxEEstF1Rv9_Og60nug
