Dr Scott Zarcinas
I’ve often observed that there are two types of parenting styles: those who set boundaries for their children, and those who don’t.
For a bit of poetic license, let’s give these two types of parenting styles a name (and, yes, I’m going to use unisex names to avoid any unintended sexism here).
Let’s call the one who is trying to have some sort of control and peace in the house, Sam.
And let’s call the other one who just doesn’t seem to care about such things, Lou.
Often you’ll find these two types of parenting styles in the same family: Sam and Lou.
Sometimes you’ll have just the one type of parenting style: Sam and Sam, or Lou and Lou.
When Sam and Sam are running the show, the house is immaculate. Not a thing is out of place. In fact, the house is so clean and well-kept you get the feeling nobody lives there at all, especially kids. It’s a showroom for future parents.
Paradoxically, in Sam and Sam’s house, there are rarely any disagreements. They run the house like clockwork and that’s just how it should be for Sam and Sam.
When Lou and Lou are running the show, however, the house is bedlam. Truth be told, they’re not running the show at all, the kids are. Clothes litter the floors of pretty much every room in the house (in fact, you can’t even see the floors), there’s always a pile of dishes in the sink, and the kids are often still awake at midnight watching telly.
It’s as if Lou and Lou are waiting for a magical fairy godmother to come and wave her wand and “Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!”, the house is all clean and perfect, including the kids.
Like Sam and Sam, Lou and Lou don’t have many disagreements either. They just think everything’s fine as it is, even if the baby goes missing for a few days somewhere under the pile of clothes.
But although Sam and Lou represent a more balanced approach to parenting, they are not immune to running into problems either. Sam and Lou have differing parenting styles, and this can lead to disagreements and conflict.
When Sam wants some sort of order in the house, Lou doesn’t bother. When Lou just wants to relax and let things be, Sam gets upset and thinks Lou is being lazy.
So, is there a perfect way to run the house with kids?
Or is the perfect parenting style a complete myth?
Who is the better parent, Sam or Lou?
Of course, the answer to each question, in order, is, “No, yes, and neither.”
So where does this leave the parent looking for answers on how to be the best parent they can be for their kids?
Solution: You look for your answers in your kids.
Yes, your kids hold the solutions to your parenting challenges.
“That doesn’t make any sense at all,” I hear you thinking.
Well, just give me a minute to explain.
About 10 or so years ago I read an article about a pastor who had a lot of success reuniting street kids back with their families. His parish was in the middle of Adelaide’s CBD, and almost every night of the week he would walk the city streets and strike up a conversation with the homeless kids he found sleeping rough.
The conversations tended to drift toward why the kids had fled their house, why they chose to live on the streets, and what they wanted out of life.
Over the course of several years, this pastor started to see a pattern of events that led to these kids becoming homeless.
And what surprised him most of all was the Number 1 Reason these street kids gave as to why they had fled their parents:
“My parents let me do whatever I wanted.”
The pastor was astounded, and he came to the simple conclusion that children want rules and boundaries.
This at first seems counterintuitive. You’d think it’d be the opposite, that the reason these kids fled to the streets was because their parents were too strict. Surely they just wanted to run amok and do whatever they felt like doing?
But, as the pastor discovered, rules and boundaries make children feel safe and secure.
Rules and boundaries make children feel cared for.
Rules and boundaries make children feel loved, wanted, and needed.
Which is what all children want, and if the rules of the house aren’t made clear, or boundaries aren’t being set and the kids are allowed to do whatever they wanted, they actually feel insecure and uncared for. They feel unloved, unwanted, and not needed.
Then they start to seek these things elsewhere, even on the streets, because even on the streets there are rules and boundaries.
So, whether your parenting style is more Sam than Lou, or more Lou than Sam, your answers to what best parenting style you can have for your kids can be found in your kids.
Set some rules. Set some boundaries. Don’t be too strict, but don’t be too lax either.
It’s what they want. It’s what they need, and your kids will love you for it.
Even if they do complain that they have to make their beds and pick their clothes up off the floor.
Dr. Scott Zarcinas (aka DoctorZed) is a doctor, author, and transformologist. He helps aspirational people to be happier, more confident, decisive, and effective so they can reach their potential and become the person they are capable of being. He specialises in helping work-at-home fathers build their self-esteem and self-belief so they have the confidence and the courage to live a life that is true to themself. DoctorZed gives regular workshops, seminars, presentations, and courses to support those who want to make a positive difference through positive action. Connect with him at:
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