Kriegler Education
One of the most common questions I get asked as a child and family advocate is ‘What is the best way to discipline children?’ I don’t like the word discipline, but I do believe children need boundaries. I also know that no one-size-fits-all behaviour management regimen can be applied to all children. Each child is unique. Some kids respond to simple requests and some need a few reminders. Then there are those who are just utterly determined to get their own way, and often they do. But should they?
Establishing boundaries
The first hard thing to understand is, as a parent, you are not put on this earth to be your child’s friend. Yes, of course there will be times when you are friends, but it is not your key role. As parents, guardians or carers, your role is to support children, tweens, teens and young adults to become socially responsible and achieve life success. Living together in society goes beyond the family. There is a tacit social contract about how members of society behave in a way that benefits all. And you are the one who sets the example of how to conduct family and communal life. This means that children can’t always have their own way.
Delaying gratification
In the book The Origins of You, the authors discuss self-regulation as one of the most important qualities for future success (Belsky, Caspi, Moffitt, & Poulton, 2020). Included in the idea of self-regulation is the ability to delay gratification. Most achievements in life depend on this ability. You can’t pass exams unless you jump study hurdles. You won’t be an expert dancer without practice. You won’t get fit without training. It’s worth helping your children to develop planning and perseverance skills early on in life.
The Origins of You explores the multiple data collected in a longitudinal research study based on the Dunedin project in New Zealand. The study has followed a cohort of all the babies born in Dunedin between 1 April 1972 and 31 March 1973. One of the tests administered when children were three years of age is called the marshmallow test. In the test, children are given a marshmallow on a plate. They’re told that the adult will return in a couple of minutes and if the marshmallow has not been eaten, they’ll receive a second one.
Children have found ingenious ways to ‘not eat’ the treat including hiding from it, putting the whole thing in their mouth and then removing it, talking to it, blocking their eyes and ears, singing and turning their back on it. Some just can’t resist and gobble it the instant the adult leaves. There is a great YouTube video (Flood San Diego, 2021) capturing how children devise strategies to earn the second marshmallow! Walter Mischel was the Stanford professor who originated the test and, in his book, The Marshmallow Test – Mastering Self-Control, he proves that early acquisition of the ability to delay gratification is a critical skill predicting more advanced educational outcomes, better social and thinking skills, a healthier lifestyle and commanding a better self-image (Mischel, 2015).
Delaying gratification and exercising self-control can be learned. Setting boundaries, time limits, having discussions about why you have rules and negotiating terms with children can go a long way to helping them develop these skills. If the rules are consistent and developed consultatively, they are much more likely to be followed. And the earlier this is done the more effective the skills will be in enabling children to work towards goals and to become future orientated.
Discussion, explanation and compromise
Of course, for the boundaries to be effective they need to reasonable and it’s important to listen to your child and get their input into what is fair for their age, their social group and their interests. Part of learning to delay gratification is understanding the logic that underpins the rules you have in place.
You might want young children to sit still while they eat, or refrain from running riot and jumping on furniture. They benefit if your explanations about why you think these behaviours are important. You can talk about the danger of choking and about the need to take care of our belongings. In exchange for great indoor behaviour, offer them a special time outdoors, a trip to a local pool, or to a park to do ‘lots of moving around’.
For older children, homework may be important to you. Kids, not so much! The important thing is to offer a purpose they can buy into. For homework it might be that the quicker they do it, the more concern-free and nag-free time they’ll enjoy. For tweens and teens curfews are often contentious. Work with your children on compromises that make sense to both of you. Do they need to extend their curfew because, in fact, it is safer for them to travel home with their friends, who have a later curfew? Or is your daughter or son the most responsible person in the party the others rely on to ensure they all keep safe?
When you have discussions and work in a way that includes children’s suggestions and opinions, it is likely they will learn to delay gratification. Do what is necessary in the present to reap a reward later.
Children do what you do, not what you say
Of course, children seldom learn their behaviour from what you say to them, they imitate your behaviour. Your actions speak much louder than words. There’s no lesson in delaying gratification more potent than how you deal with life’s demands. how you organise daily life and how you speak to children and others in the family. You will deeply affect how kids behave.
Try the marshmallow test and see how your family deals with the challenge!
I wish all parents well as they craft an enduring harmonious family culture through conversation, consultation and negotiation.
References
Belsky, J., Caspi, A., Moffitt, T. E., & Poulton, R. (2020). The Origins of You – How Childhood Shapes Later Life. Massechusettes: Harvard University Press.
Flood San Diego. (2021, October 12). The Marshmallow Experiment – Instant Gratification. Retrieved from YouTube: https://theforeveryears.wordpress.com/2016/11/08/the-dunedin-study-the-vital-importance-of-self-control-in-creating-positive-life-outcomes-by-kirsteen-mclay-knopp/
Mischel, W. (2015). The Marshmallow Test – Mastering Self Control. London: Transworld Publishers.
Lili-Ann Kriegler (B. A Hons, H. Dip. Ed, M.Ed.) is a Melbourne-based education consultant and author of Edu-Chameleon. Lili-Ann’s primary specialisations are in early childhood education (birth-9 years), leadership and optimising human thinking and cognition. Her current part-time role is as an education consultant at Independent Schools Victoria and she runs her own consultancy, Kriegler-Education. Lili-Ann is a child, parent and family advocate who believes that education is a positive transformative force for humanity. Find out more at https://www.kriegler-education.com
