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kiddi

The festive season is marketed as a time of joy, family, light heartedness, gratitude and love, yet for many it is a season of expectations, angst and potential suffering.

There is no way to get around it; spending more – and occasionally, obligatory – time with relatives and immediate family members can be stressful and lead to increased conflict. The good news is that there are certain strategies you can put in place in order to resolve any quarrel peacefully and supportively.

Let’s begin with taking care of yourself. Before entering any festive occasion with family, remind yourself that you are the only one in charge of your emotions and emotional reactions. Whether you choose to meditate, do some self-talk or deep breathing, being honest about your limitations and triggers is a must. The more understanding you have about yourself the easier it is for you to not take on others’ negative emotions and projections. When a disagreement does occur, the following 5 steps can help drastically minimize the drama that may unfold.

Firstly, if both parties are flooded (heart beats above 100 bpm, shallow breathing and excess tension), make sure to take at least a 30-minute break. During the break, try to relax and do something you enjoy. Do not use the time to think badly of the other person or re-run the conflict over and over again in your mind; doing one or both will prolong the time it may take to cool down.

Secondly, when meeting again to discuss the hows and whys of the conflict, open the discussion with a softened-start-up. This involves using “I” statements. For example: I would like it if… , I am disappointed that…or My feelings were hurt when…. Using an “I” statement avoids inadvertently blaming the other person and causing a defensive reaction. Dr. Gottman discovered that “96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes.” Think about how you treat your friends. If a friend forgets to call you to say happy birthday, the next time you speak you would never think of saying, “How are you so forgetful? Have you lost your marbles? You always were so self-absorbed!”

Thirdly, listen actively to the other person. Stress hijacks the brain and doesn’t allow us to hear others effectively. Listening doesn’t mean waiting until the other person takes a breath and then jumping in with your point of view. It means hearing the words and the emotions behind the words. If listening is a challenge for you try to repeat the last phrase the other person says before you respond. This will not only tell the other person you heard them but will also keep you focused on them as they are speaking.

Fourth, accept influence from the other person. This means listening to each other’s point of view and trying and see how each person’s view might be valid. You do not need to agree but you do need to try and understand. Unfortunately, most people believe that in a conflict discussion, the goal is to persuade the other that you are right. This usually leads to emotional distance and more conflict. Everyone has a need to be heard and respected and accepting the other’s influence is one way to achieve this.

The fifth and last step is to master the art of apology. No matter how hard you are trying to stay grounded and mindful, there are times when you will mess up. Though it may hurt your pride and ego, the sooner you can admit your fault for part of the problem the better.

Apologizing is a true power move in any relationship and will allow you to move past any conflict effectively.

This festive season, when different personalities all converge together and conflict does arise, managing your expectations of others, listening, accepting influence and apologizing will all allow any dispute to be resolved quickly and empathically allowing you to enjoy all that this time of celebration has to offer.

 

Samantha Reynolds lives in Toronto Canada and is the owner of Modern Child Parenting. She is a Dr. Gottman certified educator and a certified Dr. Shefali Conscious Parenting Coach.

You may learn more about her at:

www.modernchildparenting.com and www.facebook.com/modernchildparenting