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It has been shown that 75% of us will come in contact with someone who will cause conflict during the holiday season. This can be a family member, a coworker, or even a stranger. The holiday season can heighten tension and tempers under “normal” circumstances, but the upcoming holiday season has the added stress component of COVID-19. There are no more “normal” expectations of what is going to happen. There is stress in every age group. The stress can lead to a great deal of anger, depression, and aggravation. Our goal for all holiday seasons should be to gather and celebrate with friends and loved ones and be conflict free. So, this year, it is more important than ever, to try to handle and manage disputes.
The first thing I recommend is to think before reacting. You may hear something that totally throws you into a tizzy. Before you react, pause for a moment, take a breath and think about how to best handle the situation. Consciously take time to think about how to respond, before you respond. When you do that your body temperature lowers. Just by taking that breath and pause, you can avoid conflict. It’s definitely easier to let our emotions get the best of us. Pausing and taking a breath helps us (re)gain some control over our emotions.
The next thing to do is to develop some anger management tools. Thinking before reacting is the most important tool at your disposal. The best anger management tool is my One-minute Mental Tune-up. This calm you and put you back on a more even emotional plain. To do this follow these simple steps:
- Take a nice, long, deep breath through your nostrils. Fill your lungs with air to capacity. Hold that breath! Exhale slowly through your mouth as you count backwards from five down to one. On the count of one, your lungs should still be half full with air. Then just blow it out forcefully.
- Take a second long, deep breath through the nostrils, filling your lungs with air. Hold the breath and follow the above instructions.
- Take a third long, deep breath and hold it. Follow the same instructions above, but this time, breath normally after exhaling that third breath.
- Take your thumb and index finger of your left hand and pinch them together firmly. Repeat the words, “POSITIVELY RELAXED AND IN THE MOMENT,” silently to yourself three times. This will put you in the present tense and clear out your thoughts of how bad this person was in the past or how much you would like to “strangle” them in the future. When you are in the moment, you have complete control of your emotions.
Another recommendation is to learn when to walk away. Some disputes are just not worth your time or energy. In most cases, they don’t have anything to do with you. Consider the other person. You really don’t know what they are going through. In most cases it’s their misdirected frustration. This is especially true this year. If you encounter a rude shopper, just shrug it off and wish them a Happy Holiday! This will prevent you from getting “bent out of shape!”
Additionally, it is important for you to draw clear boundaries and set them right away. The best advice is to never talk about politics. Make that a very clear and understood boundary in the circles where you gather this holiday season. Insist that your boundaries are non-negotiable. Stop the conversation right away and just say, “That topic is not to be discussed.”
During your holiday gatherings, it is important to be a good listener. Often just paying attention to what is being said can help avoid conflict. When you don’t really listen well, you may think you are being attacked, when what truly happened is that you read the situation incorrectly because you weren’t listening. Listening well often prevents misunderstandings.
Finally, distance yourself if necessary. When you clearly expect someone to start something, it may be time to distance yourself from them. If it’s a family member, make it clear that you don’t want to revisit the same confrontation every year. Avoiding that confrontation will allow everyone to have a better holiday, especially you. Distancing can be to go to another room or it can me to quietly do my just clear your mind by doing my One-minute Mental Tune-up. Remove yourself from sources of conflict – emotionally, physically or both, if necessary.
Please use these suggestions to enjoy the upcoming holiday season as best as current circumstances will allow. If things really get intolerable for you, it might be good to talk to a trusted person. Talking to someone who is trusted and respected can help you handle the stresses involved with the holiday period. They can validate your feelings and offer advice. They may even be able to talk to the other people involved. Enjoy the Holidays!
Dr. Steven Rosenberg, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and behavioral specialist practicing in Elkins Park, Pa. In a career spanning over 30 years, Dr. Rosenberg has helped tens of thousands of people quit smoking and lose weight through his effective programs. Using techniques such as mindfulness, affirmations and traditional therapy, Dr. Rosenberg assists clients with a variety of issues including stress, anxiety, work/life balance and sports performance.
Dr. Rosenberg has been the team psychotherapist for the Philadelphia Flyers, a consultant for the Perspective television series, and has helped many other professional and amateur athletes throughout the world. He is a trusted expert and resource for print, online, television and radio news outlets in Philadelphia, across the U.S. and around the world.
Contact information:
Dr. Steven Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist and Behavioral Specialist
8080 Old York Rd. (#206)
Elkins Park, Pa. 19027
215-782-8414(office)
215-740-4822(text)
