Australian Association of Psychologists Inc
By Renae Kolia
How did you learn how to identify, name, and use emotions? Who taught you about emotions? How do you know how to identify emotions in others? Emotions are a big part of being human, yet it is unlikely we have been explicitly taught about them and how to use them. When we teach our children about emotions and how to regulate them, we are supporting them to develop emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise, understand, self-regulate, use and express emotions in a helpful way. It involves skills in identifying our own emotions, as well as the emotions in others. Emotional intelligence and the related skills can support children and adolescent wellbeing, school performance and achievement, navigating social situations and resilience. Below are tips to help raise emotionally intelligent children.
Noticing and Naming Emotions and Body Feelings
Emotions are important pieces of information that help us understand our environment, experiences and values. The skill to notice and recognise emotions in ourselves and others is the first step to being able to understand and cope with them. The DNA-V model describes this skill as the Noticer. The Noticer is a skill that all humans have, and it is our ability to notice our internal and external experiences. You can teach the Noticer skill by asking your child to pause and notice where they feel the emotion in their body and what feeling describes it. If they find this difficult to do, you can help them by describing what you observe and the emotion you are noticing. For example, you may say “I can see you are frowning, and you might be feeling mad”.
The Noticer skill also helps us understand how other people might feel. In a social situation you could ask questions to help your child consider how the other person might have felt by asking what they noticed about the other person’s response, or you could talk about how certain characters felt in a story or movie. As with all skills, the more we use our Noticer, the more skilled we become.
All Emotions are OK and Normal
When we teach children that all emotions are OK and normal, we are teaching them that they can experience and handle all types of emotions. Emotions are sometimes uncomfortable and we might want to stop or control them, but they are OK and they pass by themselves. Dr Marc Brackett, professor, research psychologist and author of Permission to Feel suggests that instead of being an emotion judge, be an emotion scientist. This means that when an emotion shows up, be curious, explore it, observe it like a scientist would, and be compassionate instead of critical. When we teach children this perspective and skills, we are teaching emotional intelligence.
Parents sometimes think that they shouldn’t show their emotions to their children, but when you do, you are showing them that emotions are a normal part of being human. Parents can model emotions by sharing their experiences in an age-appropriate way. For example, if you are watching a movie with your child you could say how you felt sad during certain parts, or you could share that you were feeling worried before a presentation at work but you managed to do a good job and you felt happy after. For younger children, reading a picture book about emotions and taking turns discussing real examples is another way to show that all emotions are normal.
Emotional Regulation
Being skilled at regulating our emotions is a key part of emotional intelligence. Once we know how to notice and name our feelings, we can discover ways to experience them and regulate them in helpful ways. Younger children often need a calm and supportive adult to help them regulate which is called co-regulation. As a child grows and learns regulation strategies, they are better able to do this independently.
You can help co-regulate or teach emotional regulation by supporting your child to name and notice their feelings and then to try some regulation strategies. Get creative and ask your child to come up with ideas to try or even set up a space or box with helpful items that they can use. Some ideas for emotional regulation strategies are:
- Deep breathing exercises
- Fidget toys
- Blowing bubbles
- Movement activities like stretches or walking outside
- Drawing or colouring
- Hugging a favourite toy
- Listening to music
- Writing down thoughts and feelings
- Touching slime or playdough
- Talking to someone.
Everyone is different and what might work for one person may not work for another, and what works for one feeling might be different for others. After trying their chosen strategy, talk about how it went so that they problem solve and discover what they find helpful or not as helpful.
Renae Kolia is a child and adolescent psychologist from Perth, Western Australia and a member of the Australian Association of Psychologists. She owns Think Feel Grow, a private psychology practice dedicated to supporting the growth, mental health and wellbeing of children, young people and their families. To find learn more see www.thinkfeelgrow.com.au or follow Think Feel Grow on Instagram @thinkfeelgrowpsychology
References
Billings, C. E. W., Downey, L. A., Lomas, J. E., Lloyd, J., & Stough, C. (2014).
Emotional Intelligence and scholastic achievement in pre-adolescent children.
Personality and Individual Differences, 65, 14-18. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2014.01.017.
Brackett, M. (2019). Permission to Feel. Quercus Publishing.
Guerra-Bustamante, J., León-del-Barco, B., Yuste-Tosina, R., López-Ramos, V. M., & Mendo-Lázaro, S. (2019). Emotional Intelligence and Psychological Well-Being in Adolescents. International Journal of Environmental Resources and Public Health, 16(10), 1720. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph16101720
Hayes, L. L., & Ciarrochi, J. (2015). The thriving adolescent: Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and positive psychology to help teens manage emotions, achieve goals, and build connection. New Harbinger Publications.
Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., Bobik, C., Coston, T. C., Greeson, C., Jedlicka, C., Rhodes, E., & Wendorf, G. (2001). Emotional Intelligence and Interpersonal Relations (2001). The Journal of Social Psychology, 141(4), 523-536. doi:10.1080/00224540109600569
