Kemar Meaningful Directions

Kemar Meaningful Directions

There are endless reminders out there to ‘put yourself first’. But the idea of taking care of yourself can start to stress people out. Like, who has time to add another task to their already busy day? Isn’t there already enough tasks on the never-ending to-do list?

You know what it’s like….having to balance your job, with managing a household, as well as, keeping up appearances, having to find time to exercise, and that’s without even throwing kids in the mix.

Everywhere around us – in the articles we read, the social media accounts we follow, the conversations we have, the advertisements on TV – there are message encouraging us to focus on ourselves, and we know this is probably a good thing and that we should be prioritising this in our lives. But having to ‘look after yourself’ and putting yourself first, can feel like another chore that has to get done, not dissimilar to vacuuming, where it is easily put off, until you literally see a pile of dirt taking up residence in your home! And what ends up happening with tasks that seem burdensome is they get bumped to tomorrow’s to-do list.

But, taking care of yourself can be too time consuming!

What comes to mind when you think of what ‘taking care of yourself’ involves? You might think it involves some kind of ‘self-care’ task, like going for a massage, having a warm bath, reading a book, or doing some kind of relaxation or meditation. These things all take time to do, don’t they? They also require us to have some alone time, which those of us with kids, know only too well is very few and far between. So it is no wonder we don’t get around to doing self-care tasks, and that people feel it is all too hard, unachievable and unrealistic.

The issue is that you don’t need to necessarily do those kind of time-consuming self-care tasks in order to ‘look after yourself’. In fact, self-care tasks, are only one aspect of a much larger concept, which is known as ‘self-compassion’.

According to Kristen Neff, a pioneering self-compassion researcher, people with self-compassion have improved mental health, are less likely to be critical of themselves, and have greater life satisfaction.

What is self-compassion?

But before we can discuss how to engage in self compassion, we need to first understand what it is. Self-compassion involves directing the same type of care and compassion toward yourself that you would convey toward a loved one. It involves treating yourself kindly.

We’d like to invite you to try this little ‘hand on heart’ exercise to give you a sense of what self-compassion can feel like:

  • Take 2-3 deep breaths.
  • Gently place your hand over your heart, feeling the gentle pressure and warmth of your hand.
  • If you wish, make small circles with your hand on your chest.
  • Feel the natural rise and fall of your chest as you breathe in and out.
  • Linger with the feeling for as long as you like.

 

What did you notice? People often report feeling a sense of comfort. And that didn’t take too long to do, did it?

The reason why you feel comforted is because ‘supportive touch’ activates the parasympathetic nervous system which helps calm you down and feel safe. It may feel awkward or embarrassing at first, but your body doesn’t know that. It just responds to the physical gesture of warmth and care, just as a baby responds to being cuddled in their mother’s arms. Our skin is an incredibly sensitive organ. Research indicates that physical touch releases oxytocin, provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions, and calms cardiovascular stress. Supportive touch is one easy way to care for and comfort yourself. So why not try to do it more often?

How to do self-compassion

But other than ‘supportive touch’ what else can you do to engage in self-compassion? We have shared a list of what you can do below:

  • Acknowledge

Acknowledge when you are having some difficult emotions or thoughts. Acknowledge you are hurting.  All too often we quickly move into avoidance mode (e.g. distracting ourselves, numbing ourselves, or trying to escape from the emotion in maladaptive ways). So notice and name the emotion you are experiencing.

  • Normalise

Validate that how you are feeling is normal; part of being a human being. It’s not a sign of weakness or that something is wrong with you. Difficult or painful feelings are reminders that we are human, and we care; this is what normal humans feel and encounter when life gets difficult. If you look around with open eyes, you will find that everywhere you turn, people are struggling and suffering in ways very similar to your own.

  • Disarm the critic

When we fail, get rejected, or make mistakes, our mind’s natural tendency is to beat ourselves up. Remember, when our mind is being critical, it is just trying to protect us, which it is designed to do. Remind yourself that you are not those self-critical thoughts, that you are much more than that.

  • Hold yourself kindly

Talk to yourself kindly, and give yourself messages of support and understanding.

  • Self soothe

Purposely take action in doing something that provides a sense of warmth and being cared for (e.g. sit in the sunshine, light a candle). You may liken this to doing some self care type tasks.

  • Perspective-taking

Perspective-taking is the act of perceiving a situation or understanding a concept from an alternative point of view, such as that of another individual. For instance, ‘what would your best friend advise you about the path you’re taking? What would someone you love say about where you are headed?’ By the way there are no right or wrong perspectives. Every perspective has something to offer. If we only approach the world from one perspective we may not be getting a clear or accurate picture of how things actually are.

Self-compassion doesn’t take long to do.

As you can see from this list presented, doing self-compassion doesn’t take up too much of your time. In fact, it is a particular part of us, that is key in being able to take care of ourselves, but very few of us tend to call upon this part of ourselves consciously or with any frequency, despite the fact that it can be extremely useful.

As Kristen Neff stated “self-compassion is a way of emotionally recharging our batteries. Rather than becoming drained by helping others, self-compassion allows us to fill up our internal reserved, so that we have more to give to those who need us”.

So whilst doing some self-care tasks can be helpful, it is only one aspect of looking after yourself. Engaging in more self-compassion is more realistic, proven to be more effective and can be less time consuming. Although it is something that you will need to consciously think about to start with, like with all new things that you have to learn, but it doesn’t need to be feel like a burdensome chore that you need to add to the list, next to vacuuming.

But remember, just like vacuuming, if you actually put off taking care of yourself, there will be piles of dust (emotional and psychological dust) that will be more difficult to remove than simply getting out a vacuum cleaner.

So, remind yourself to engage in more self-compassion. And overtime it will become easier and more automatic; just like riding a bike or vacuuming (well, maybe not the vacuuming!).