Sometimes it can be challenging to get that spark back in your relationship for a variety of reasons. Let’s be honest after having a baby and all the demands being a new mother can have on you, the thought of being intimate can often be the last thing on your mind.
You may actually have the desire to, yet your body is exhausted from lack of sleep, hormones still a bit all over the place, feeling sleep deprived with possibly a few other things like breast feeding challenges or birth plan not going how you would have liked.
If you’ve had a traumatic birth, a caesarian, episiotomy or had tears there can also be a little fear or apprehension holding you back because you’re scared it might hurt.
First off remember it takes 4-6 weeks for the cervix to close fully and for post partum bleeding to stop, so you need to wait at least for that period.
If you’ve had an episiotomy, had perineal tears or a C-Section, the time frame could be a lot longer. It takes 12 weeks for scarring to heal fully and so you want to be extra careful when engaging in sex for the first time.
When you do decide to have sex, I suggest you go super slow and make sure you are very lubricated. The last thing you want to experience is pain and if you do, I would suggest you seek the help of a professional Sexological Body Worker who is trained to work in this area.
How To Get Past Challenges:
I often suggest creating some intimate connection first before having intercourse, especially if you’ve experienced a difficult birth.
Your partner is possibly feeling a little excluded and confused as well and wants to have sex and could be scared to hurt you or could just be frustrated in general.
Communicate – It might not fix the situation however talking about what’s going on for you and how you are feeling means the intimacy is being addressed instead of ignored and this way you both feel heard.
Sometimes it’s a good idea to take penetrative sex off the table for awhile and have less focus on orgasm and ejaculation and look at new ways to connect and slowly rebuild the intimacy again which will then lead to sex when the time is right.
How to Create Intimacy:
- When your partner comes home from work, greet each other with a full body hug. Heart to heart, arms gently holding each other and take 3 deep slow breaths together, then slowly release.
- Another great intimacy building exercise is to sit with each other for 5 minutes and look into each other’s left eye. It’s done with a soft gaze and is known as looking into the windows of the soul. There may be giggles at first, if so, just close your eyes for a few seconds, breathe and open them again and continue with left eye to left eye. There may even be tears, that’s ok too, just allow the tears to fall, don’t ask is everything all right, just hold the space. After 5 minutes (you can put a timer on), have a hug.
These 2 exercises alone are so simple, yet incredibly powerful for rebuilding intimacy and connection and if you only did these 2 things every day, you will see a huge difference!
Intimate Building Exercises
- The 3 minute game: This is where you get to ask for some form of touch for 3 minutes only, (no genitals). You can ask for a back rub, head massage, light feather touching on your arms or face. Take turns – this is a great way to connect and feel nurtured from each other. Once you’re comfortable with that then you can spice it up a bit more and no doubt that will lead you into having sex again
- If you have a bath, run a nice bubble bath, light some candles and squeeze yourselves into it and relax together
- Give each other a gentle massage
- Keep kissing and snuggling, keep the connection going
- Look at how both of you can feel nurtured
- If you can have a baby sitter, then have a night out on your own, otherwise plan a date night after the baby goes to sleep
- Also do create a habit of checking in and communicating about non-baby things. This can be a challenge as there is always so much going on with the baby however it’s really important to regulate this and talk about other things going on in your life and the world in general
I really recommend after you’ve greeted each other with a hug, ask them about their day. If they’ve had some dramas at work, listen to them, ask questions and give them some space if they need to shake off the day. They might want to know all about your day and the baby straight up too. It’s just listening to what’s going on in that moment and following your intuition. Don’t dump your frustrations of your day on them the minute they get home.
Remember to enjoy each other and your baby and laugh and have fun.
Pauline Ryeland, Intimacy Whisperer ® works as an Intimacy, Sex, Libido & Relationship Coach & Educator. She is a certified Somatic Sexological Body Worker, Tantra Teacher & Facilitator and a Master Trainer & Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Advanced Subconscious Reprogramming, Errikson Hypnotherapy, a Results Coach & Performance Consultant and Access Consciousness Body facilitator.
Pauline works as a Transformational Coach and Leader, working with individuals and couples around challenges they may be experiencing with intimacy, sex, relationships and everything in between. Pauline works with all aspects of mind, body and spirit to bring you to a place of alignment with your intimate and sexual desires.
Working with a combination of all her practices, Pauline works with men in all aspects of their sexual health issues as well as working with women who have lost their libido, experiencing painful sex and not experiencing orgasm.
Pauline is passionate about awakening people to their full potential as sexual beings as well sustainability of relationships, helping couples to deepen their connections.
Intimacy, Sex & Relationship Coach and Educator
M: 0411 701 594