Toward Wellbeing

Toward Wellbeing

At some point every parent is likely to struggle to get their child to listen to them. Do you ever feel like you have to constantly shout in order to get your message across, perhaps you have started offering treats or making other allowances to gain cooperation, or maybe it’s all too much and the boundary/rule just goes out the window? Its generally an indication we have run out of energy, ideas or have lost control of the situation when we resort to these kinds of strategies. So, let’s explore some ways that you can get compliance without needing to resort to shouting, bribing or just giving in.

But first, lets explore why kids find it hard to listen?

  • Saying “no” or “stop that” becomes old really quickly and children become attenuated (fancy word for they have gotten used to something) to those words and they slowly use meaning. This is due to something called mental fatigue or semantic satiation, and we accidentally desensitise our kids to the meaning of the words we repeat too often (1).
  • Research shows that our children are less compliant when we communicate in an aversive tone (yelling or shouting) (2).
  • When we give in or don’t enforce boundaries, or we use a threat/bribery to get compliance its only a temporary relief. Research indicates that parents who use these strategies are less nurturing (when using these strategies, not necessarily less nurturing overall). And less attunement from parents results in less buy in or engagement from their child, and when threats are used it undermines the quality of the parent/child relationship which reduces the likelihood that the child will willingly comply in the future (3)
  • Sometimes there are too many rules (4). If we ask too much of our children, in relation to trying to remember too many rules, or there are too many elements to the request they might just not be able to “hear” or recall what we are asking.
  • There might be legitimate reasons your child isn’t listening or can’t/won’t do what you are asking. Is their cup full? Do they feel unwell, hungry or tired? Try to consider what else is happening for your child at that moment. Also is the request age/developmentally appropriate for your child? It might not be because they are being intentionally uncooperative, it might just be about how, what or even when the request is being made.

So how can you get your child to listen?

  1. Firstly, take a deep breath. You want to be cool, calm and collected (which helps our message to be received better). Unless something is a safety issue, or critical taking a moment to self soothe (yourself) before addressing matters will help you tap back into your intentional parenting preferences, rather than relying on instinct or possibly losing control
  2. Make eye contact. I know it sounds simple, but shouting through the house “Put your socks on!!!” is far less effective than locating your child, bending to their level, making or requesting eye contact and gently asking them to put on the socks. It ensures they are actually paying attention (i.e., that their attention isn’t diverted elsewhere) when you are making direct eye contact
  3. Have a series of non-negotiables, but in general keep the list of rules low in number. This will not only help you pick your battles, but means that you aren’t repeating yourself (remember the mental fatigue of words losing meaning), but also gives your child the best chance to do well and comply – i.e., if there are a small number of rules, they can perfect them because they are more likely to remember them. It also reduces the amount of energy you have to expend if you learn the art of letting the little things go and only focus on the big-ticket items. In addition, kids need to feel a certain level of control or autonomy in their lives (5) and when they don’t, they can sometimes engage in challenging behaviour to try and exert control. So that’s another good reason not to have too many rules
  4. Spot them being good. We need to find opportunities to share with our kids when we notice them being good. If all they hear from us is rules or critiques it can impact their self-esteem and also their desire to comply (i.e., if I’m a bad kid who can’t get anything right, why bother trying). So, we need to find moments where they are complying or engaged in positive behaviours and notice those, in order to bring balance to our conversations
  5. Be consistent. I know you’re tired and frustrated and sometimes its easier to give in…but it just makes things harder next time. Not only because our kids learn that they if they don’t listen, or kick up a fuss that we give in (and we don’t want them to learn that lesson), they also feel unsafe because they can’t easily predict or learn what to expect in given situations. When children feel this way, their behaviours can become more challenging as they feel confused or unsafe/overwhelmed. So, I know their outward behaviour seems to indicate they hate rules and boundaries, in reality kids love and need them to feel safe and secure (which in turn makes them feel calm and regulated…and more likely to be compliant).

The purpose of getting our kids to listen is to help them. We want them to grow up to be well-adjusted and to develop long-term qualities like good judgment, respect, independence and self-control. Your message and requests are more likely to be heard (and complied with) when you have a strong and positive relationship with your child. So, try out some of these strategies and try and focus on positive interactions that don’t involve yelling, bribes or giving in to get your child to listen better!

 

References

  1. Leon Jakobovits James (April 1962). “Effects of Repeated Stimulation on Cognitive Aspects of Behavior: Some Experiments on the Phenomenon of Semantic Satiation.” https://digitool.library.mcgill.ca/R/?func=dbin-jump-full&object_id=113683&local_base=GEN01-MCG02
  2. Dumas JE, Lechowicz JG. When Do Noncompliant Children Comply? Child & Family Behavior Therapy. Published online December 21, 1989:21-38. doi:1300/j019v11n03_02
  3. Kuczynski L. Socialization goals and mother-child interaction: Strategies for long-term and short-term compliance. Developmental Psychology. Published online 1984:1061-1073. doi:1037/0012-1649.20.6.1061
  4. Leijten, P., Gardner, F., Melendez-Torres, G.J., Knerr, W., & Overbeek, G. (2018). Parenting behaviors that shape child compliance: A multilevel meta-analysis. PloS One, 13(10), Article e0204929. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0204929
  5. Wong E, Wiest D, Cusick L. Perceptions of autonomy support, parent attachment, competence and self-worth as predictors of motivational orientation and academic achievement: an examination of sixth- and ninth-grade regular education students. Adolescence. 2002;37(146):255-266. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12144158