Kiddipedia
Adversity and setbacks are a part of life. This is no less true for the formative pre-teen and teenage years. When faced with difficulties and challenges, we are presented with an opportunity to learn and grow from our experiences. For a teenager, the most significant and influential voice in their lives (even if they won’t admit it) are their parents. Parental support in these circumstances is important for enabling teenagers to learn and develop the skills they need to bounce back from these situations. It is as a teenager goes through this process – setback > reflection > growth – that they have the opportunity to develop the resilience that will last them a lifetime.
Here are five practical and effective ways to help your teenager develop their own resilience.
1. Recognise and validate their emotions
A part of building resilience in teenagers is helping them to recognise their feelings in difficult situations so they can learn how to manage them. As a parent, you can help them do this by talking with them about their emotions and empathising with how they are feeling at that moment. This is not a ‘fix it’ moment. Rather a time for you to validate their feelings to build their self-esteem and their connection with you. If they say they are feeling upset, don’t say anything that will judge that feeling. Whether or not you agree with their feelings, the feelings are true for them; that’s what matters. The important thing here is not that you agree with them, rather you give them the space and vocabulary to express their feelings. As you come to understand the situation, if you would have felt the same way, then let your teenager know. If you can, find some common ground in sharing your emotions together.
By validating their emotions, you are allowing them to feel safe in their emotional vulnerability which in turn will help them to trust you when they need someone to turn to. Knowing who they can trust in times of vulnerability builds resilience as it provides them with safe people to turn to in difficult times.
2. Don’t hide your own emotions from them
It is crucial for your teenager to see your emotions when you face adversity or setbacks in your life. Not only does this help validate their own emotions, but it also allows you to model how you manage and overcome those struggles. It may be that you turn to close friends, or need time on your own, meditate, exercise, or engage in a hobby. Whatever your method, by modelling this, your teenager can see ways that they might also be able to manage their own feelings and actions during difficult circumstances.
3. Increase their responsibility – gradually
A lot of teenagers crave independence and the chance to be treated like young adults. Others have no desire to be independent and want you to do everything for them. Either way, to help them build resilience it is important to increase their responsibility over time as it helps them to build competency in multiple areas of their lives.
How much and the type of responsibility to give will differ from person to person. As you increase their responsibility and your expectations of them, try to do this gradually. Too much too soon will burn them out or lead them to resent it. Too little and they won’t have the opportunity to be resilient as there will be no adversity for them to face.
Such responsible activities could include household duties such as washing or cooking, allowing them to have ownership over their own homework, or paying for their own phone bill. When increasing their responsibilities, try not to use the term ‘chores’. These things are not chores. They are helping your teenager become responsible and independent adults.
4. Don’t solve their problems for them
Part of building resilience is allowing a teenager to take ownership over their lives at a level that is manageable for them. This means it is time for them to take ownership over their own problems.
This doesn’t, however, make you redundant. The opposite in fact! Teenagers need you to model how to go about solving the problem with them.
For example, if your child needs to communicate with their teacher, do not do this for them. Instead, help your child learn the right way to do this themselves. Depending on the issue, it could be that you help them write an appropriately phrased email or talk through how they might talk to the teacher in person the next day.
Not only does this teach your child necessary communication and problem-solving skills, but it also helps them to take ownership over these situations rather than relying on someone else to ‘fix’ the issues for them.
5. Don’t make excuses for them
While as parents we often have this innate wish to protect our children from all hardship, allowing your teenager to face the consequences of their actions is an important part of building resilience.
If your child chooses to spend the afternoon playing video games or scrolling social media and therefore doesn’t get their homework done, let them suffer the consequences. Don’t write a letter to their teacher to get them out of it. Discuss their options with them, discuss what they think they could’ve done differently and help them put a plan in place for the future.
Conclusion
Teenagers will face a multitude of challenges and setbacks before they graduate high school. By increasing their responsibility gradually, validating their emotions, modelling problem-solving skills and how to face adversity, you can increase their resilience in everyday situations. As this process repeats itself month after month, year on year, your teenager will develop their ability to bounce back from the array of challenges they may face in their adult life. They will become young adults who have the resilience to stand firm whatever life might throw at them.
Katrina Harte
Katrina is a multi-award winning educator from Sydney, Australia who specialises in creating resources that support teachers and engage students. Katrina has experience in numerous leadership roles and has recently launched her blog, The Animated Teacher Blog, to help support teachers in their professional journey. Visit now for links to teacher resources and blog posts on educational topics: https://www.theanimatedteacherblog.com/
