Kari Sutton
The nature of children’s health around the world is changing. There is now a ‘new morbidity’ occurring, with obesity, mental health conditions, self-harm and, suicide taking centre stage. Having worked as a teacher and guidance counsellor for the past 25 years, I have had a front-row seat watching the dramatic rise in anxiety disorders, depression and, suicide affecting our kids.
Life is a lot more uncertain than when we were growing up and presents countless social, emotional, physical, and mental health challenges for both parents and kids. Many of us are just surviving and are unsure about the best ways to help our kids grow into resilient, happy adolescents and adults.
One key point I do want to stress is that as parents, we haven’t broken our kids. The absolute majority of parents that I have worked with over the past 25 years have been doing the best they can and have the best interests of their children at heart.
As parents, we have all experienced feeling guilty, possibly on a regular basis. This can make us feel that even when we are trying our best, it’s not good enough and that there is so much more we could, and should, be doing for our kids to make sure they are happy, healthy, and well adjusted.
One mum I worked with explained it this way, “since having my kids, I haven’t stopped feeling guilty. I worry that I haven’t given them the best start in life because I haven’t done things the ‘right’ way and I don’t get stuff perfect”.
None of us are perfect and good enough really is good enough – sometimes baked beans are all that we can muster, and that is ok. It’s our patterns and habitual ways of doing things that matter most – not the one-off occasions when things go a little pear-shaped.
Perfect parents and perfect kids don’t exist, anywhere except on other people’s social media feeds of course, and yet we all keep judging ourselves harshly if we don’t live up to our own expectations. Acknowledging that we all have our good and not so good days and that we are trying to raise our kids in the best ways we can and have their best interests at heart is a significant part of taking care of our own psychological wellbeing. Raising children is a lesson in flexibility and tolerance, learning to roll with the waves that come and give ourselves the kindness we deserve on those days. We all have bad days that doesn’t make us bad parents. Expecting perfection from our children, or ourselves, sets us up for frustration, disappointment, stress, and anxiety, all of which are detrimental to both our own and our kids, emotional wellbeing and mental health.
It’s important to remember that there is no one right way to do something, especially parenting, and that having perfection as a standard is the best way to set yourself up to fail. Stop comparing yourself to other people on social media as these images are carefully curated and provide only the version people want you to see – not what is truly happening in their lives. If as parents we get swept up in constantly comparing ourselves and our lives to social media, this characteristic will rub off on our children and that is not something we do not want.
