The Wellness Poet
All parents share special bonds with their children and no two women’s journey to become a mum is necessarily the same.
My journey to become a mum involved IVF after 8 years of trying naturally for a baby. Some may say I was lucky to get pregnant on my first round of IVF at aged 38. I had 8 eggs harvested, 5 survived and were fertilised, 2 were implanted and after 5 days only 1 fertilised egg survived which was placed in the freezer. I had a twin pregnancy confirmed 6 weeks later, and was over the moon. However, at 12 weeks it was obvious only 1 baby had lived past 9 weeks. So, my odds of becoming a mum looked slimmer with each passing week. I now had one living baby and one frozen embryo. I was grieving and scared.
The good news is that despite many challenges, set backs and a lot of suffering on my part I did deliver a baby at 36 weeks and she survived. Three and a half years later after I had recovered a bit from the trauma and sleep deprivation, with a child that was a very poor sleeper, and had a choking condition, I told myself that I was ready to implant the second embryo. I was very conscious that my odds were tight – I was now 42, with one shot left of becoming a mum for the second time. I was not prepared to put my body through all of that again. I resigned myself to the possibly that I may be a mum of only one child, and that I was grateful for the chance to be a mum, as not all women achieve their goal.
So, after lots of meetings with lots of Drs in London in 2017 to try and avoid complications, and the mistakes made in my first pregnancy, I was all set to try for my second baby. For three years baby number two was always on my mind. I had a connection with her, I loved her, I had to be optimistic and strong, and as healthy as possible to help her and myself. My headspace had to be calm, confident and accepting.
The lead Consultant wrote a bespoke treatment plan for me and the date of implantation fell on Good Friday. At first, I was surprised that they would do such a procedure on a public holiday but then I felt immensely grateful that they were working to my body’s timeline with the protocol that had been set. Also, I was grateful that I could do this on a long weekend and not have to go to work the following day/s. When you have IVF treatment and countless appointments, and you don’t wish to disclose everything to your employers, it can be immensely challenging to fit everything in and manage expectations without drawing questions about your whereabouts or emotional state. In my case I tried to carry on as normal to avoid discussion, unwanted attention or suspicion.
I remember cycling around London on a pay-as-you-go bicycle between IVF appointments and client meetings. Dressed in a suit with my handbag on the front, navigating traffic, constant blood tests, and my busy schedule. It’s hard work keeping your private life, private!
Because it was a holiday and we didn’t want to incur other expenses my husband and I agreed that he would stay home with our 2.5yr old on the day of the implantation. I travelled across London on my own with a full bladder at 8am on a cold, windy morning – London was deserted and I felt very alone and uncomfortable. I arrived at the clinic and was impressed to see that three people were there to do the procedure and I remember thinking; three people are getting paid to assist this process, and the man who had defrosted my baby was friendly, happy and welcoming – he was my hero! He came out to tell me the thawing process had gone smoothly and we were all ready to implant.
The implant process did not exactly go quickly or smoothly, and it was very, very unpleasant. In fact, I consider this to be one of the most horrid moments of my life. But after it was over the nurse said. “Congratulations, you are technically pregnant so go home and rest, and look after yourself.”
I set off for home alone, slightly traumatised and apprehensive that this baby would stick and I would be confirmed pregnant in a few weeks time. I felt that being Good Friday, I had a good chance of success and I would hold on to that. It was with a lot of good feeling and relief that a few weeks later I was confirmed as pregnant and the implant had been a success. It was too early to celebrate as I had many months to go but my odds of becoming a mum for the second time had gone up.
Not many women get to pinpoint the day, time and exact moment they became pregnant. Mine was 09:00 on Good Friday morning in 2017. She was delivered 36wks and 6 days later that same year and I will always associate Good Friday as The Great Friday I conceived my precious bundle no. 2, after already loving her for 3years. An amazing Easter Egg!
I know a few women who have undergone IVF, some with much success, others without. Some with lots of trauma, others without. What is true for me and possibly others, is, that an IVF pregnancy requires lots of planning, organisation, mental and emotional strength, high pain threshold, high humiliation threshold, a lot of money, and a lot of worries and fear. I joke that I did not become pregnant the “Fun Way!” In fact, it was painful, expensive, traumatic and I felt very alone in my suffering.
Here are my top 3 tips to make the process easier, or to support anyone you know who may be doing IVF:
- Let the person know that it’s OK to feel the whole range of emotions around IVF, pregnancy, miscarriage and trauma.
- Let the person know that their suffering is real and they shouldn’t feel lucky or unlucky. They should feel whatever they want to feel.
- Let the person know that IVF is hard and whatever support they need is OK.
What is not discussed about IVF treatment is;
- the amount of needles (blood tests and injections),
- the bruises,
- the uncertainty,
- the real costs both monetary and emotional,
- the planning and juggling of work with appointments,
- the side-effects of drugs,
- the scams to get you to pay for “extra” procedures that you are upsold in private clinics,
- the guilt of being lucky if you get pregnant and not being able to grieve properly if you don’t.
After almost 7-years I’ve come to terms with the impact of all of that on me mentally, emotionally and physically. I don’t think I’m any worse or better off than anyone else. My experience is my experience. I’m so grateful to have become a mum to two lovely little girls. I’m so grateful to those three people that worked on Good Friday to make it a Great Friday and I’m so proud of myself for going through all of that. I’ve learnt a lot about myself through this experience, and I’m open to sharing it to help educate other people about the process, so that they can be more compassionate and understanding to people who also fail to fall pregnant the “Fun Way”!
Krissy Regan is The Wellness Poet and Founder of Mindful Mums Queensland. She is author of 2 new books; Broken to Unbreakable, 12 Steps to an Unbreakable Mind, Body & Spirit and The Koala who Lost his Heart. Krissy wrote both books whilst working part-time at home, raising 2 small children and juggling the demands of her household.
Krissy offer’s workshops, retreats and 1-1 coaching and launched her global online wellness school at the start of 2021. You can register right here; https://krissy-regans-wellness-movement-mindful-mums-3.teachable.com/
You can contact Krissy Regan at mindfulmumsqld@gmail.com or follow Mindful Mums Qld on Facebook and Instagram @mindfulmumsqld and view Krissy’s work here: https://www.thewellnesspoet.com/
