My Child is a Stubborn Fussy Eater, Help!

“My child is a stubborn fussy eater”, is a comment I hear all the time in my work as a fussy eater specialist. Stubbornness is a fascinating personality trait that may deliver long-term benefits [i], but in the meantime, parents are facing a child who refuses what is on her plate.

What does stubbornness look like in the context of fussy eating?

The child:

wants certain foods only,
wants it served a particular way,
tells you what they want to eat and when,
helps themselves,
refuses to try anything new,
argues at the dinner table and will not hear your side of the argument,
reacts strongly and throws the plate, starts crying, or has a tantrum.

These children will refuse to eat ‘your way’, regardless of how much convincing you try to do. Since you still have to feed them several times a day for many years, this may already be taking a toll on you. You cannot give in, nor can you give up either. You can decide to parent your stubborn fussy eater effectively.

Parenting the stubborn fussy eater

Keep calm

it is stressful and annoying to deal with a stubborn fussy eater. As parents we may feel stressed, anxious, and even angry at mealtimes. However, we know that the minute we lose our temper is the minute we stop parenting and revert to behaving like a child ourselves. It may pay to decide to remain calm and think ahead. How can we avoid losing it? What do we need to do so we can manage better? Here are a few suggestions:

Deep breathing and relaxation,
talk to the GP to make sure all is well with our fussy eater,
let another adult be present during the meal so we can take a break.

Give Power within Limits

In my profession, we often speak about being responsive, rather than enforcing! Something I have understood in my dietitian’s life is that I cannot make anyone eat against their will, nor can you!

Let us imagine a food that disgusts you. Will snails or pig’s trots do? Now, I have your attention! I cannot sell you the virtue of snails, I cannot convince you that you will like them. Since you love garlic bread, I may attempt to reason you, by drawing similarities. But no amount of persuasion or logic will help, because at this stage your body simply cannot eat those foods.

If I push hard what will happen to our trust? Will your stress level suffer? Stubborn children can push back against any pressure you might apply. When it comes to worse, that is when a parent forces ingestion, children’s bodies will prove the point: the child will gag, or vomit. At this stage nobody wins. However, the child is learning that eating is just a stressful, and negative experience, which can only prompt them to defend themselves with more gusto.

The best way to share power in feeding is to:

Use the division of responsibility: this is a trust model, based on sharing power and reviewing your expectations. read more about it here.
Be responsive: learn what your child can eat so you can provide that, integrated into your family food. For example: your child only eats carbs, fruit, and dairy yet you want to serve curry to your family. Serve dinner all at once or in two courses: curry with rice, nan bread, fruit, and yoghurt. Your child eats rice, nan, yoghurt and fruit.
Be firm: you have thought about what you are going to serve. You know that your child will be able to eat and eat sufficient amounts. You then need to be able to say to your child that this is what dinner is tonight: she can work it out.
Don’t fall into the argument trap at the dinner table. Show what is coming to the table beforehand.
Give your child a chance to present the food their way. The more they are responsible for the outcome, the better they can accept it. For example a child I see, would only eat Onigiri in a triangle shape. Since he has been helping to shape Onigiri and cannot perfect a triangle, he has become more flexible.

Use Internal Motivation rather External “Reinforcement”

External reinforcement, such as praising your child for eating, or asking them to take a bite during eating is mistaken. It assumes that you know what your fussy eater’s body can do, what they can eat and how much. It does not work with fussy eaters.

On the contrary, internal motivation is all about your child finding it in themselves to eat challenging food. Internal motivation can increase as your child’s confidence increases. Children need positive eating experiences, a sense of agency, familiarity with the family food and time to tackle challenging food.

The best way to remove external reinforcement is to use DOR (division of responsibility), see above.

Understand why is it so Hard for your Child

I have explained sensory food aversion here, while I am not saying this is the problem your child is struggling with. It is important to take a few minutes to try to understand why it is so hard for your child to eat the variety of food you want them to eat.

It is very likely at this stage that there is a mismatch between what she can do, read 16 signs that your fussy eater needs help here, and what you expect her to eat. Once you are in her shoes, you are best placed to support her and parent her effectively.

Effectively parenting your stubborn fussy eater will help you reduce your own stress, and anxiety, and anger (if any) levels.

Hopefully you are now better placed to best parent her. If you are struggling then why not get in touch. You can book a free 15min chat with me here. You can also follow FussyEaterSolutions #sensorykitchen on instagram.

[i]Anna Scelzo et Al. Mixed-methods quantitative–qualitative study of 29 nonagenarians and centenarians in rural Southern Italy: focus on positive psychological traits

December 2017- International Psychogeriatrics 30(1):1-8