Kari Sutton
A new Netflix reality show called “Old Enough” has been sparking a spirited debate around the world about parenting and how we develop independence in our children. The show that depicts Japanese children, some as young as 2, taking their first independent unaccompanied journeys has been a hit in Japan since 1991 (its original title is translated as “My First Errand”).
The children are aged between 2-6 and are shown walking by themselves to the supermarket, to a relative’s house to pick something up or to a local farm to complete errands without the help of their parents. There are months of preparation to ensure the child will be safe on their errand, and film crew and staff are also keeping a watchful eye to be there if help is required.
The look of joy, pride and accomplishment on the children’s faces when they have completed their errands independently is a delight to witness at the end of each 10-minute episode.
Children crave chances to demonstrate their competence. Childhood is when the essential belief ‘I am a competent person’ is embedded. Dr Jim Taylor, in his book Your Children are Listening, explains that in order to successfully reach their goals, children need to master skills and believe they can competently manage their environment and achieve what they want to accomplish.
Whether it be as they first reach out and grasp your finger when they are tiny, learning to walk, talk, feed themselves or dress themselves, all of these activities lay the foundations for their future beliefs about their ability to master the world in which they live. It is critically important that we provide our children with age-appropriate opportunities for self-mastery so they can experience with a feeling of competence and self-confidence.
As a guidance counsellor in schools, I often observed children who had internalised a sense of incompetence. I’ve seen them in classrooms, on playgrounds and on sports teams. They often have a pessimistic outlook on life saying things like, “I can’t do it” or “I’m not gonna be able to do that.” They can be fearful and reluctant to even try, saying things like, “No, I’m afraid and don’t want to do that.” Undoubtedly some of these children were born with cautious or apprehensive temperaments. For others, I can see why they haven’t developed a sense of competence by observing their parents who are anxious, worried, overly protective and intrusive. They intervene at the first suggestion of difficulties, apparently concerned
that these challenges and possible failures will damage their child’s confidence and self-esteem. These parents frequently perceive danger everywhere and communicate that idea to their children. They prohibit their children from taking even benign risks and linger over them, swooping in at the first sign of distress, frustration or potential injury.
They are, of course, well-intentioned and believe they are doing what is best for their child. What they are doing is unconsciously conveying the message that the world is a dangerous place and that they don’t believe their children are capable of handling that, which undermines their children’s confidence, sense of competence and willingness to take appropriate risks.
It is frequently just quicker, easier, a lot less frustrating and sometimes less messy to do it ourselves. From our perspective allowing our children to help wash the dog make dinner bake a cake or do the washing up is often more trouble than it’s worth.
By providing our children with opportunities to experience mastery, competence, and autonomy we are fostering their independence, critical thinking and problem-solving skills. Children begin to believe in their ability to succeed and accomplish tasks; they view themselves as competent capable and powerful and are more likely to exhibit resilience in the face of setbacks.
Old Enough has opened the floodgates of discussion and created much food for thought about how we teach our children to be competent, capable, independent humans.
