Kiddipedia
Whether it is your first child or your fifth child, preparing for your baby often includes a lot of preparing for the material things that goes along with the nesting process, do we have baby clothes, bassinet, cot, cool hipster items for the announcement post, baby décor that looks on point in photos? What is so often missed is the important conversations that we need to be having before a baby comes around preparing psychologically, socially, and physically.
Why are these conversations important? I didn’t do them for my last kid and we are fine?
Well, if you do think you are “fine” don’t we all know what “fine” is code word for… Yes you might be getting by, but we want to make sure that the new baby experience is an enjoyable one and not something that requires “surviving” or “getting through”.
As clinicians, we often refer to the BioPsychoSocial-Spiritual model of health to ensure a holistic view to any phase of life. Below we have broken down these areas for you to help address each, just like legs on a table, if one of these four areas is off then the whole table is not balanced.
Here are 20 questions that are important to ask for all new parents….
Biologically (Physical & Environment)
- What are the sleeping arrangements going to be?
- How do we feel about sleep training?
- Is breastfeeding something we both think is something we want for the baby?
- Will we take feeding shifts? If someone isn’t feeding the baby will they make the food or coffee etc.
- How can we minimise mess and cleaning around the house given our tight time schedules?
Asking these questions BEFORE THE BABY is vital because when you are sleep deprived, tired, exhausted, and downright spent it can be really difficult to make these kinds of decisions about sleeping routines and breastfeeding when you are in the thick of new baby phase. Having the discussion and WRITING DOWN what each person’s thoughts are around these issues so that later on, you can refer back to it and remind each other what was discussed, especially if times do get hard. Sleeping and breastfeeding seems to be something that a lot of parents think “we will figure it out as we go”, or “we’ve done this before so we know what to do”, but more often than not, parents find themselves in a whirlwind of sleep deprivation, sore nipples, and feelings of helplessness, just feeling so lost as what do with a myriad of advice and commentary out there.
Creating a reasonably solid idea that obviously has some wiggle room because babies are unpredictable, about what you are going to do when it comes to the basics of eating and sleeping for baby are so vital to make sure the parents and the family are on the same page.
Socially,
- Who can we turn to when we need a break?
- Who are our go to people when we need a vent or support?
- How do we feel about visits from people in the early weeks?
- Who do we want to include in the visiting days?
- Who are the people that we want to play a part in our child’s life other than us?
I don’t know how many women I have heard say about the early days, “I just felt so alone”, “I just needed a break” or “ just need a moment to myself”. I don’t want to scare you! This is a beautiful time of life, but it also can be an exhausting and draining time. So before baby comes, ask yourself these social question. Who can WE turn to is a big one, its not enough to try and keep it together the just as the parents, you need to have people you feel you can trust with the baby while you have a nap, or get out of the house, or get some fresh air. The same goes for knowing who the people are you can turn to when you need a vent.
This is also a time to start identifying boundaries and who are going to be people you want in the child’s life, because unfortunately for many people, there may be that relative you don’t necessarily get along with, but you want them there for your child. So, what does that look like. What will the boundaries be around that? And how can I manage having a relationship with someone so that my child can have a positive relationship with them too.
Psychologically,
- What is my own attachment like with my parents?
- What was the good things about my childhood and what I want to replicate?
- What was the not so good things about my childhood that I don’t want to replicate in our kids?
- Are there any fears I have about parenting (even if this isn’t your first)?
- What are my biggest concerns about the baby phase?
Yep, these questions can bring up some internal stuff for us.
And yep, it is important to address that internal stuff, because whether we like it or not, it effects our relationships with our new babies. So be kind to one another, take some time to reflect individually and together on these types of questions, and remember, sometimes growth can feel scary or painful, but it is totally worth it when you get to the end. If you can ask yourself these questions you will find that you are much more likely to recognise the good stuff, and address the bad when it comes up.
Spiritually (Beliefs)
- What are the values we want to live by as parents?
- How can we re-energise ourselves when we are feeling drained?
- Are there any rituals that are important to us that we want to do for the baby?
- When we feel unaligned with our values, how will we re-centre?
- Are there any rituals we want as part of our regular lives for the kids?
These five questions under or spirituality and belief are just the tip of the iceberg. But this area really is around asking yourselves, what are my beliefs? What is important to me? And what do I want to have in my life when the baby comes. This could be many different things. It could be that you want to get the baby baptised as your family has been, or it could be a cultural tradition that you want to do for the baby. It’s also talking about these traditions in everyday life, if for example you have loved ones who passed, is there a place you can take the baby to feel connected with that person. Again, this isn’t always the easiest to talk about, but all of these questions become A LOT harder if you wait until you are both running on fumes to address them.
And that is it!
If you’ve managed to come this far into this post, please just a reminder, having a baby is a beautiful time, but it also a big life change. As with any big life change, positive and negative emotions can come up, and so asking yourself these questions to prepare for the baby will put you in great stead rather than trying to address on two hours sleep, when you are over-tired, over stimulated and feel like you can’t think straight.
Good luck on your journey and if you need any further support, please seek it out.
Cheers,
Sheena Schuy
Sheena is a registered social worker and the founder of Savasana Collective, Holistic Psychology, Coaching & Social Work which have online personal development courses and coaching. She has a Bachelor of Psychology, Master of Counselling and a Master of Social work with a decade of mental health experience under her belt. If you want to connect her Instagram handle is @savasanacollective, her website is savasanacollective.com.
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