Kiddipedia
Whether you are expecting a baby or in your first few months of life with a newborn, you have undoubtedly already noticed how extraordinary and daunting parenthood can be. We do everything we can to prepare for this precious new life, because we want our baby to be born into a home filled with safety and love. One of the most important aspects of creating that love-filled home is taking care of the parents’ relationship. So, how can you successfully make the transition from partners to parents? Here are five evidence-based approaches to support you in those first few years.
Transitions can be Tricky
The transition to parenthood is just that – a transition – and most of us have a little trouble with change. If we move into parenthood with the belief that everything will remain the same, we may find ourselves surprised and hurt when our relationship feels really different. When we become parents, we go through an enormous change in identity. Parenthood redefines who we are, what is important and who/what we prioritise (2021 study).
So, what can we do? We may need to ‘re-learn’ our partner during this time, so that we understand and appreciate who they are during this season. Open-ended questions like, “What has this time been like for you?” or “How can I really support right now?” will help keep you connected during this transition. If you need a little help with what to ask, the free Gottman Card Decks App is a great resource.
Us vs. the Issue
As part of the Gottman Institute’s ‘Bringing Baby Home’ research, they found that 67% of couples become unhappy with each other during the first three years of their baby’s life – often because there is a significant increase in the frequency and intensity of conflict. When everyone is tired and dealing with additional stressors, conflict increases and communication decreases. Conflict can become “Me vs. You” in an ongoing game of who is more tired or who has worked harder.
So, what can we do? We want to change the conversation from “Me vs. You” to “Us vs. the Issue”. We need to speak calmly and respectfully and listen without defensiveness. Using a frame like “When this happens… I feel… because… I need…” can help us move in the direction of working together to find a solution as a team.
Connection and Intimacy
As your relationship changes with parenthood, intimacy often feels like it falls into two different categories: “Before Baby” and “After Baby”. It is normal for there to be a decrease in intimacy and sex in the months following birth for both physical and emotional reasons. Parents may also experience being “touched out” (2023 study) which can leave partners feeling more like roommates than soulmates. During this time, we need to broaden our understanding of intimacy, and recognise that it can be physical, emotional, intellectual, experiential, and spiritual.
So, what can we do? Try this exercise with your partner: At the top of a page, write “I feel loved when…” Then list five specific things that make you feel loved or connected right now. Share the list with one another and use it as a cheat sheet to stay intimately connected during this time.
Work as a Team
Historically, women have been the primary homemakers and caregivers, and a 2020 Australian study shows that there is still a distinct gender imbalance when it comes to domestic duties. Research shows that the partner who takes on the ‘expert’ role of managing household and childcare in the early stages of parenthood, tends to keep that role for the decades that follow, regardless of full time or part time paid work. If this choice is a ‘slide’ rather than a ‘decide’, there can often be disconnection, lack of appreciation and resentment.
So, what can we do? Create a list of the different household and childcare duties that occur over a regular week. Consciously decide who is going to hold which pieces of this unpaid labour and show appreciation for everything your partner does. A great resource for this is Fair Play by Eve Rodsky.
Get Help
Evidence tells us that it takes an average of six years for couples to seek help when they are struggling. That can be six years of conflict, contempt, miscommunication, and resentment. Could we imagine doing this with any other aspect of our lives? If we have a sore tooth, we book in for the dentist; if our car makes a funny sound, we call the mechanic. We need to pay attention to our relationships and seek help early. We want to build a home that full of love and safety for our children, and our relationship is the foundation for that home.
So, what can we do? There are several free resources you can access through The Gottman Institute. If you are wanting professional Couples Therapy, do your research and look for a clinician who has specific training in Gottman Couples Therapy or Emotion Focused Therapy, as they will be able to provide you with relevant strategies to support your relationship.
The greatest gift you can give your baby is a strong and healthy relationship between the two of you.
Megan Kozak (M.Couns., M.Ed., B.Ed., B.CI.) is a Couples Therapist, Relationship Educator and Director of Lighthouse Relationships Psychology & Counselling.
Megan has over 15 years of experience in educational, corporate, private and community environments helping people learn practical relationship strategies around communication, conflict resolution and wellbeing. She works with individuals, couples and organisations in Australia, New Zealand, the United States and Canada. Megan currently balances couples therapy with speaking engagements and interviews (like Beyond the Bump and 97.3 KISS FM). She has been sharing life with her wonderful husband for 19 years and, together, they have two hilarious, adventurous daughters.
For more information, visit: www.lighthouserelationships.com.au, or follow is on Facebook – Lighthouse Relationships | Facebook or @lighthouse_relationships • Instagram.
