Kiddipedia
Dr Janet Hall
Remember those pre-baby times when you both fell onto the bed in a passionate embrace, ripping each other’s clothes off and ready to rock?
Contrast that passion with what happens after baby is born. Now when you look at the bed, the only feeling it triggers is the desperate yearning to be able to sleep in it undisturbed.
Sleep deprivation is the biggest anti-aphrodisiac. Support each other to have as much individual sleep as you can. Take turns to sleep in a baby-free room at any time of day you can find.
What The Woman Has To Consider For Her Man.
The woman has to be sensitive to her man’s situation and remind herself that he is not used to coming second-best in your relationship. He may think that you are still that “hottie” he used to spark up easily and not an exhausted, wrung-out baby wrangler who has just one focus in life –caring for the new baby (other than sleep). You have to reassure him that he is still your lover but that you just have to have some time and space to find your mojo again.
Remind him that your focus on your baby doesn’t take away from your love for him. This is just a temporary situation while you cope with the demands of the new baby and let your body recover from the birth.
What the Man has to Consider for his Woman.
A woman might feel upset with her body image after putting on weight and having stretch marks due to pregnancy so the man needs to pour on the compliments. He needs to make the woman feel special and deeply loved.
Mums have their “baby radar” on twenty-four hours a day and cannot switch off easily. The man needs to “try a little tenderness”. Shower her with hugs, kisses and massages.
The Physical Reality of Sex Post-Baby.
Medical advice might be that the woman’s body is ready to have sex from the seventh week after birth. I think that is too optimistic and it depends on how the woman is feeling about sex.
You might start by gently exploring your vulva and vagina yourself to discover whether there is any pain or discomfort. You could then discuss the changes to your body with your partner and how you want to be touched.
As well, there are hormonal changes which can make your vagina dry and unresponsive.
Dryness may contribute to sex being painful, and oestrogen levels after childbirth are low. However it is just hard to get aroused and lubricate easily when you are simply “beyond tired”. You might need to choose some water-based lubricant or organic coconut or avocado oil to make sex more comfortable.
When you think you are ready to have sex again, you’ll want to take things slowly and gently.
If you force yourself to have intercourse after a painful vaginal birth or stressful caesarian birth you might cause more problems. The vaginal birth might have left scarring and the caesarian caused stress on the pelvic floor.
If you had a vaginal birth with stitches or violent stretching, you could try positions that limit penetration or reduce the pressure on the stitched or stretched area.
If you had a caesarean section, you should wait until you’ve fully recovered to have intercourse. If your tummy scar is still sensitive, you could find some positions that don’t put pressure on it.
This doesn’t mean that you have to “close your eyes and think of England” (as the old British saying goes) as you endure the pain because “you should be having sex”.
If sex is uncomfortable, there are other ways to maintain your intimate bond. You can take a shower together or cuddle up to watch an old favorite movie.
If sex is painful or difficult ongoing, speak to your GP.
What the Couple have to Consider about Post-Baby Sex
When there has been a big gap in time since a couple has had sex, it might feel awkward to start it up again. It’s important to take your time, and not rush to the big bang. Concentrate on soft things like kisses, cuddles and massages
Remember the great times you had together before the baby arrived? Talk about how good those times were. Share fantasies about having a night together at a hotel and having the baby minded by a loved one in the future.
Be realistic however, about the busy-ness of the new baby world. When you do try to have sex, you can’t even count on your alone time turning out the way it normally would. You may be interrupted and you may not be able to relax and enjoy it.
See a GP if something doesn’t feel right and ask for a checkup.
Also it is very important to know that you can get pregnant soon after the birth of your baby, even if you are breastfeeding and your periods are not happening, so discuss contraception with your GP as well.
A positive approach to sex post-baby is patience, a sense of humour, understanding, and a willingness to find new ways of expressing physical affection until you both feel ready to have sex again.
Communication and a mutual understanding of each other’s priority needs can help keep a loving relationship alive.
Dr Janet Hall is a parenting expert, sex coach, hypnotherapist and author of 15 books and 17 audio recordings on sex. She has been regularly featured in the media, on television and radio for over 40 years.
Dr Jan is the author of eight books (Including: Easy Toilet Training, Fight-Free Families, Fear-Free Children & Stop Bedwetting Easily)
AND
Fifty four audios and ebooks: (Including: HowTo Be A Calm Confident Parent, How To Super-boost Your Child’s Self-Esteem & Easy Tantrum Taming).
Find Dr Jan online at www.sex-therapy.com.au., www.drjanethall.com.au
and all of her products on her shop www.drjanethall.com.
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