Dr Scott Zarcinas
by Dr. Scott Zarcinas
Of all the things that have the greatest impact on your child’s success in life, the value they place upon themselves and what they do—their self-worth—is without doubt one of the most important.
Successful people have a deep sense of self-worth. Unsuccessful people tend to have a shallow sense of self-worth.
When I was in my early twenties as a medical student, and a little later as a junior doctor, I fell into the common thinking that my value and self-worth was dependent on what I did and what possessions I had.
If I had been asked in my youth when I felt my greatest sense of self-worth, I would have answered something like this: “I have the greatest sense of self-worth when I am working as a doctor and earning money. I have the greatest sense of self-worth when people like me.”
The problem was, I didn’t particularly like the job of junior doctor, and I certainly didn’t like working 80 hours a week, often overnight and into the next day.
Irrespective of what others presumed was a good job with a secure income, I was grumpy at work, I was grumpy with the nursing staff, and I was grumpy with the patients. Worse, I was grumpy with myself. Even though I was a doctor, I didn’t have much self-worth at all.
If I could write a letter to my younger self and send it back through time, I would tell myself that my value isn’t dependent on the title of the job I had, that it actually has nothing to do with the perceived status in the community that comes pinned to the medical degree I received at graduation.
I would tell myself that my value has nothing to do with how much money I was earning or what car I drove to work.
I would tell myself that the things society had taught me would give me a greater sense of value and self-worth were actually not true. Their promises were false, and they were false because they would never be able to deliver what I was looking for—self-acceptance.
I would go on to write that, like most people, I had fallen under the illusion that my value and self-worth was based on 7 False Promises:
- my positionor status in the community
- my powerover others (physical, financial, political, religious, family, sport, work)
- what possessionsI had
- who my partneris
- my physicalor sexual attractiveness
- my sporting or athletic prowess
- my productivity or achievement
Are we not obliged to warn our children of these 7 False Promises?
Should we not tell them that, like my younger self, it’s a trap to get their sense of value and self-worth from external sources? That they will always be let down if they are dependent on other people and other things for how they feel about themselves?
There are those rare breeds who seem to have it all. They are physically attractive, are smart and clever, are athletic and sporty, have lots of money, and are desired by many, but they are the exception, not the rule.
Even then, if their sense of value and self-worth is dependent on all these external factors, which is easy to do, then their sense of value and self-worth is extremely fragile because everything is temporary and nothing lasts forever. Fortunes are won and lost. Physical beauty withers. Sporting ability wanes. Cleverness gets outdated.
So nobody is immune from a sense of low self-worth, even the rich and famous. Hollywood actor and comedian, Jim Carey, is a feel-good, rags-to-riches story. He was the first actor to get paid $20 million for a role in a movie, The Cable Guy (1996), and is seen as a success by many.
Yet even he warns us about the trappings of fame and fortune and believing all our problems can be solved by external sources:
“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”
So, if even being rich and famous and doing everything you ever dreamed of doing is not the answer, what is?
Unconditional self-acceptance—to be happy in your own skin.
This is what we must teach our children. Because one of the biggest problems with low self-acceptance is that it has a negative effect on your self-esteem and self-identity, which, if you’re not careful, can lead to self-shaming and self-hatred, with all the associated connotations of harmful mental health and wellbeing.
This is why we need to remind our children that it’s vitally important to be happy in their own skin and to love who they are, with no conditions.
Their mental health will be stronger and less fragile. Their emotional wellbeing will be stabler and less volatile. They will feel more confident and courageous, and their relationships will be more balanced and happier.
What more could we want for them?
About DoctorZed
Dr. Scott Zarcinas (aka DoctorZed) is a doctor, author, and transformologist. He helps aspirational people to be happier, more confident, decisive, and effective so they can reach their potential and become the person they are capable of being. He specialises in helping work-at-home fathers build their self-esteem and self-belief so they have the confidence and the courage to live a life that is true to themself. DoctorZed gives regular workshops, seminars, presentations, and courses to support those who want to make a positive difference through positive action. Connect with him at:
F: www.facebook.com/YNSOB.by.Dr.Scott.Zarcinas/
T: www.twitter.com/DrScottZarcinas
L: www.linkedin.com/in/dr-scott-zarcinas-6572399/
