Kiddipedia
Teaching Consent
A young child can be taught consent as soon as they are able to hold a face washer/flannel in the bath or shower. Even before they can be taught to wash themselves, parents and caregivers can start talking to their child whilst changing their nappy. They can explain what they are doing and that they are cleaning their child’s genitals to keep them comfortable.
Whilst you may help a child with their washing routine, it is essential to teach a child that they are the ones washing their genitals, buttocks, and nipples. You can teach this by saying something like, “I can help you wash your face, hands and feet, but you need to wash your private parts because they are your private parts.”
Whilst there are specific protective behaviours programs in schools and some early education facilities, as soon as a child can nod or shake their head, they can consent to touch. A helpful way of doing this is to ask permission for a hug or kiss from a child and wait for their response.
Feelings
We can teach children about boundaries and how to be ‘in tune’ with those ‘gut feelings’. It’s not necessarily about teaching them ‘touching rules’ and ‘stranger danger’, it’s about them knowing their own bodies, and being aware of their individual boundaries.
Talk to your children about feelings. Find out how to do this. Let them know all feelings are neither good nor bad; they are just feelings. It is important to acknowledge your child’s feelings. As parents, we don’t want to see our children suffering, and we can inadvertently dismiss what our children are telling us. For example, Scenario One, Child says “I’m feeling really scared of getting on stage at Assembly.” Parent says, “You’ll be fine, all the other kids are doing it, stop worrying.” Scenario Two, Child says, “I’m feeling really scared of getting on stage at Assembly.” Parent says, “Yes, that’s a pretty scary thing to do. What part of your body do you feel scared in?” It is important that you show your children you will listen. Recognition of different feelings can teach children that their bodies have early warning signals that they can be aware of.
Body Parts
As part of protective behaviours work, we can teach children the correct names of private and ‘public’ body parts. In my work with children, I have come across many different words for private body parts, some of which I had never heard used before. Whilst using alternative and ‘family’ and ‘cultural’ words may provide less discomfort for parents and carers, correct terminology needs to be used. As awful as it sounds, sexual assault/abuse legal cases may not stand up in a court of law if a specific body part cannot be identified correctly. Use words such as vulva, vagina, penis, testicles, anus, and breasts and teach your child the function of these body parts. There are plenty of children’s human anatomy books for reference to getting to know your body and its functions.
Types of Touch
Children need to be taught about touching rules and different kinds of touch. For example, “a helping hand” touch could be a doctor, dentist, lifeguard, and a “friendly touch” could be friends holding hands.
Private and Public Spaces
How do we teach a young child what a private and public space is?
We need to be explicit about what a private space is. For example, there are many spaces with doors that have a ‘private’ sign on them. This can be confusing for a child, so we need to be as explicit as we possibly can.
Sharing Images on Social Media
Whilst we often want to show off our children’s achievements, first day of school, birthdays, book week and other celebrations on social media, what are your privacy settings like? Do you know who you are sharing your child/ren’s images with? Did you seek consent from your child/ren (age of understanding) before posting the images? If so, have you made sure that there is no identifying information that draws back to your child/ren? Is the sign of the school in the background? Is your child/ren’s school emblem visible on their uniform? If you give your child your phone to play with, do you have child settings on it? There is so much more I could add regarding staying safe on social media. However, there are some great websites with lots of helpful resources. Please make a point of seeking these out and becoming informed.
Assumptions and Beliefs
As soon as a child’s nappy comes off, the sense of freedom, curiosity, and desire to touch their genitals is heightened. Children will touch their genitals for several different reasons including self-regulation (stress relief), relaxation, curiosity and sometimes boredom. It is important that we respond to self-touch as a normal part of healthy s3xual development and in a calm way so that the child does not develop feelings of shame and/or guilt. If the behaviour is ignored, most children will work it out that it isn’t appropriate to touch their genitals/private parts in a public space. To reinforce s3x positive behaviour, a parent/carer could mention that they know that the behaviour feels good and that folks usually touch their private parts in a private space. As parents/carers and helping professionals we can reflect on our own beliefs, assumptions and ideas and reframe them into sex positive views.
It’s okay to not use your manners!
We are taught that we need to be polite, keep our voices down, use an indoor voice, don’t say rude words, and so on.
In my work with children, we have practiced our “NO”. In the worst-case scenario, and your child becomes unsafe or at risk of harm, or someone touches them in a s3xually abusive way, we can teach our child/ren to shout “No”, “Leave me alone”, “Go away”, “Get lost”, “Don’t touch me”. I teach children to use their biggest voice possible (the one we normally use outside or if we have big emotions), and shout “NO”. As parents/carers, you can practice with your child/ren shouting “NO”. It is important to teach children the distinction of when to use their “NO”. You can give children different scenarios of when they could use their “NO”.
There are many different exercises that can be used to teach children about protective behaviours which can be learnt through individual or group settings.
If you are concerned about how to protect your children and would like a parenting session on how to teach your child protective behaviours, would like information on helpful resources, or think your child’s playgroup, Childcare Centre or early years education setting would be interested in a session, please contact me to discuss further.
Resources
https://www.everyonesgotabottom.com/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNXHAZti9Rc
Clare MacLeod is a Social Worker, Therapist, Trainer, Trauma-informed Supervisor and consultant, and works in private practice in Brisbane, QLD. Clare has worked in the areas of domestic and sexual violence, abuse and trauma, Educational Settings, Out of Home care, and through her extensive training, has been providing support, counselling, and group work across the lifespan. She incorporates a trauma informed framework and into her work , and is committed to sharing her knowledge with others, providing mentoring and supervision to other clinicians, along with training and workshops to parents, carers and other professionals including teachers and mental health professionals. In addition, she has written Models of Practice for sexual assault services, contributed written work to published group-work practices, trauma informed practice and several articles including how protective behaviours frameworks for children, how mindfulness can help with specific issues for children, adults, and supporting young people and the varying aspects of navigating relationships. Clare has also worked as a registered trauma therapist for the National Redress Scheme into Institutional Abuse.
Clare has over thirty years’ experience in trauma, sexual violence, and women’s issues. She is passionate about providing evidence based resources and consultancy work to families and helping professionals when children engage in harmful sexual behaviours. During her time working in NGOs, Clare gained Awards for her Social Action work and Contribution to Local Community (NSW) and NSW Premier’s Award for Prevention of Violence Against Women and Children.
