Kiddipedia

Kiddipedia

Self compassion is the true foundation of self care. 

Self care is the doing part of compassion. It’s taking the actions to treat ourselves compassionately, where self compassion is the thinking part where we’re regarding ourselves with compassion.

You can go through the motions of self care and taking care of yourself. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re regarding yourself with self compassion. 

Why self compassion is so important for mums (and for reducing feelings of guilt)

Self compassion, especially for mums, is really important because it allows us to let go of any idea that we have that we have to do it all, and that we have to do it perfectly. 

Sometimes it feels like self care becomes another box that we have to tick, something else added to our list and it almost becomes a burden. So the good thing about compassion is that it allows us to let go of the ‘shoulds’ and any guilt we feel around what we ‘should’ be doing.

Unfortunately, there’s still the idea, a belief in society, that mums need to do it all and manage it all. And that often leads us to put ourselves at the end of the priority list. 

If you’re struggling with making time for yourself or you believe that it’s selfish to practice self care, then it’s time to reframe that, because self compassion not only benefits you, it also benefits your child/ren. 

“One of the best things you can do for your child is have compassion for yourself.” – Marina de Hook. 

When as mothers we have compassion for ourselves, it benefits our children because it allows us to live within our values. And it allows us to grow in motherhood and in life. 

For example, if you are feeling guilty that your house is a mess but you want to take your kids to the playground because spending time with them is important to you, choosing to live within that value benefits your kids because they get to connect with you. 

Having compassion for yourself then, for having the messy house, is necessary because it’s allowing you to take positive action and live within your values.

Another example of self compassion is allowing yourself to have space and get curious about the reactions you have to situations in your life. 

You might reflect on your triggers and what happened leading up to the event, that you could manage or change next time. This reflection is what allows us to have a growth mindset and in the case of interactions with our kids, it will help us to improve our parenting skills. 

How can we actually practice self compassion?

  1. Get curious.

If you find that you’re having really harsh thoughts about yourself then the first thing is, rather than trying to challenge them or question whether they are true thoughts, just notice that they’re there.

Then ask yourself, is this thought trying to tell me something? Is it trying to alert me to something that’s important to me or remind me of my values? Is it reminding me of something I stand for, or something I’m really against? Is it alerting me to a behaviour that I need to change?

So it’s getting curious and being open to looking at what the thoughts are trying to tell us. 

  1. Practice kindness to yourself through your self talk and actions. 

You may want to come up with a mantra or a list of things that you like about yourself. Then repeat those things often throughout the day.

Kind actions can be something really simple and don’t need to take a lot of time because we can’t always run off and take a bath or get a massage! Simple mindfulness activities can be useful. So make yourself a cup of tea and listen to the sound of the kettle boiling, really notice the water change colour as you dunk the teabag and just be present in the moment. 

It’s important to note that it’s not about distracting yourself from your thoughts. It’s about grounding yourself and making space for them to be there. 

  1. Imagine that someone you love is struggling with the same situation.

When you imagine that someone you love is in the same situation and reflect on what you would tell them or expect from them, you realise that you would actually expect far less of them than you would of yourself. You’d likely also be much kinder to them.

So when you then put yourself back in the situation and think of all the things that you would have told your loved one, and tell it to yourself, you can apply compassion to yourself. 

In my consultations with mums, I talk a lot about self care and self compassion. If you’d like more information about working with me please head to www.wholeheartedfamilyhealth.com/sleep

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