Kiddipedia
Preparing for parenthood can be both exciting and daunting. As expectant parents, we seek advice wherever possible about birth, feeding, sleeping, prams and car seats – but, what about our relationship?
This new season of parenthood presents specific joys and challenges for couples. Maintaining couple connection in the first 12 months after welcoming a new baby, helps set up healthy relationship habits for years to come. Here are seven evidence-based tips to support your relationship as you make the transition from partners to parents.
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Start the Day Well
Happy couples put in a minute or two of effort every morning to find out one thing that is happening in their partner’s life that day. Whether they are chairing a board meeting or folding the laundry, the purpose is to learn about both the exciting and ordinary things that are planned for your partner’s day. This one simple act can increase the sense of feeling known by your partner and actively reduce the risk of drifting apart.
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Kiss and Tell
When greeting your partner at the end of the day, there are two simple ways to build connection.
Kiss: A six second kiss at the end of the day helps keep romance alive – in part because six seconds is long enough to cause the body to release oxytocin, a hormone related to feelings of warmth and connection. This is one of the same hormones that bonds you to your new baby.
Tell: Find 10 minutes at the end of the day to listen to your partner describe the highs and lows of the day; and share your own. This might happen after your baby is asleep, or even while you’re feeding. The trick here isn’t to ‘fix’ or find solutions for anything your partner shares, but just to listen and empathise. The simple of act ‘being heard’ by one another reduces feelings of isolation and increases connection.
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Appreciation and Gratitude
Taking time to think about what you appreciate in your partner has an enormous impact on the happiness of your relationship. Studies linking gratitude to relationship satisfaction are increasingly common, with a 2019 study highlighting that couples with greater appreciation of their partner have higher relationship satisfaction.
Couples can show appreciation in a variety of ways. Some couples verbalise their gratitude, while others leave notes on the fridge or send a quick text message. Noticing the little things that you and your partner do for each other, and saying ‘thank you’, can give your relationship a real lift in the midst of what can be a challenging season of life.
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Physical Affection
Depending on your birth experience and your current level of parental exhaustion, sex may be so far down your to-do list, it isn’t even on the page.
Physical affection is an important part of couplehood and doesn’t just mean sex. Research shows that happy couples find five minutes somewhere in their day – usually just before falling asleep – to embrace one another. For new parents, this may sound silly or impossible – but it is definitely worth giving a try. You might talk, watch Netflix or just be still. The power of physical touch in these small moments can make a really positive difference to a couple’s feelings of intimacy.
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Share the Household Duties
How do you divide up the daily duties of household labour and childcare? Historically, women have been the primary homemakers and caregivers, and a 2020 Australian study shows that there is still a distinct gender imbalance when it comes to domestic duties. Unsurprisingly, this can cause some challenges for couples, especially with the arrival of a new baby.
Research shows that the partner who takes on the ‘expert’ role of managing household labour and childcare in the early stages of parenthood, tends to keep that role for the decades that follow, regardless of full time or part time paid work. It is important that couples find ways to share the household and parenting load to the satisfaction of both partners, and show appreciation for one another’s contribution.
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Book in a Date
This one can take a little co-ordination, but is worth it. Booking in a regular ‘child-free’ date – whether it’s a 30-minute coffee catchup or an evening of passion – is an investment in romance and closeness that fills up our emotional bank account. Depending on your local support network, this is a great opportunity to arrange a regular grandparent playdate or connect with other couples to book in some reciprocal babysitting.
It takes a village – not just to raise a child – but to keep a relationship healthy and joyful!
On the date itself, partners should ask each other some open-ended questions. People are always evolving, and so we need to keep up to date with our partner’s likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams.
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State of the Union
The last thing that happy couples do is invest time sharing things that are working and that need some improvement. This ‘State of the Union’ exercise comes from research by the Gottman Institute. Couples set aside half an hour each week to share with each other three things they appreciate about the relationship. Giving your partner concrete examples of the kinds of things you appreciate allows them to know what you’d like to continue – what you appreciate, appreciates!
The second step is to take turns sharing one small thing you would each like to do differently over the next week. It is important to just focus on one small thing, and speak gently and calmly.
By introducing these seven simple strategies into your relationship, you are giving your child the best possible gift – two happy parents!
Megan Kozak (M.Ed., B.Ed., B.CI.) is a Relationships Educator, Couples Counsellor, and co-founder of Lighthouse Relationships. She is an accredited Prepare Enrich Pre-marriage Counsellor and is trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
Megan has 15 years of experience in educational, corporate, private and community environments helping people learn practical relationship strategies around communication, conflict resolution and wellbeing. She currently balances speaking engagements, relationship education workshops, and couples counselling – both face-to-face in her Brisbane offices, as well as online with couples across Australia. She has been sharing life with her wonderful husband for 16 years and, together, they have two hilarious, adventurous daughters.
For more information, visit: www.lighthouserelationships.com.au, or follow is on Facebook – Lighthouse Relationships | Facebook or Instagram @lighthouserelationships.
