Fussy Eater Solutions
New mum Karen recently asked this question in my Facebook group: “My son is 12 months old and is a good eater. What can I do to continue this into his adult life, if my husband won’t even eat his greens and has the biggest sweet tooth?”
The feeding journey you will take as a new family is long. Over the next 18 years, feeding a child 3 meals a day amounts to 16000 meals. That’s a lot!
When it comes to developing your child’s eating habits, teaming up with your partner can be difficult, particularly when he or she doesn’t seem to share your values on feeding, eating and/or has a complicated relationship with food. For Karen, her husband’s eating habits prior to having a child was not a concern. As a mum, she is now fully aware that role modelling will impact her child’s eating and questions some of her husband’s values and habits around food.
When a child is brought into a family, partners often agree on values, qualities and interests that they would like their child to develop; such as politeness, honesty and a passion for sport or music. Discussions about feeding and eating values are often overlooked, but they are very much part of the education we give our children.
As a dietitian-nutritionist I have professional experience with foods, eating, diets and nutrition, but I also have personal experience in a family context. What I have learned as a professional is that you cannot convince people what or how to eat. It doesn’t work! As a mother, I am still learning that this also applies to my family. As much as I care about my partner and my grown-up children, the motivation I have for them is non-transferable. So here are my suggestions for Karen.
- Can you change your partner’s eating habits?
In the short term, this may be difficult because you are trying to reverse long-term habits your partner may be very happy with. Indeed partners may have different views or may lack motivation. Motivation comes from within. It is about our desire to solve a problem or the rewards we may get from applying the change. Pressure or criticism are likely to backfire, whilst a more subtle approach to inspire may bring long term benefits.
- Can your partner still be in a good role model?
Yes, to be a good role model, your partner will need to:
- Take part in feeding duties, according to the standards you set together for your family.
- Agree on what foods are regular foods to be consumed as a family and what foods are discretionary.
- Agree on when meals will be served, and provide some structure around mealtimes.
- Not disparage foods you introduce or foods he/she does not eat or like. E.g. when I first introduced oysters to my children, my husband commented on how disgusting they are to him (I am a huge fan!). So for years, my daughters refused to eat them, based on his comment. However, in a renewed burst of “I-will-introduce-my-kids-to-my-French-eating-culture”, I briefed him on changing his attitude before introducing snails. Since then, snails for Xmas have become an absolute must for the family!
- Take part in family meals and focus on conviviality and quality time with the kids.
- Serve himself/herself from the dishes you both put on the table.
- Avoid commenting on each other’s food choices, likes and dislikes.
It is worth noting that as mothers, or main carers, your influence on your children’s eating will be significant. For instance, studies show that Karen’ s favourite foods and food choices will affect her children’s preferences and food habits.[1] This can be hugely reassuring for Karen, who has a healthy relationship with foods and eating.
- Can you influence your partner’s eating habits, long term?
Yes, you can. All it takes is time. If you cook and shop, you are likely to win the day. However giving your partner the opportunity to shine in the cooking department might be even more effective, as they develop an interest and sense of responsibility for producing meals. My husband, who comes from a culture of “meat and 3 vegs”, has become an excellent and curious cook. He has, in turn, pushed me to be more adventurous with foods! Overtime it has been a win-win for our family and we truly have a multicultural food repertoire and a healthy relationship with food and eating.
So for anyone in Karen’s situation, the key is not to fight your partner’s attitude or views on food and feeding, rather it is to create the right conditions for it to evolve in a positive way! Today can be the start of an inspirational shared feeding journey.
[1] Relationship of Mothers’ Food Preferences and Attitudes with Children’s Preferences
Tomoko Osera1,2, Setsuko Tsutie3, Misako Kobayashi2, Nobutaka Kurihara1
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