Kiddipedia
Having a new baby is usually a very exciting time for parents as it involves new beginnings and a new chapter in our life. What we may forget as parents is that it is an even more crucial chapter in the life of our firstborn.
Most children when welcoming their brother/sister, have already formed an attachment with one or both parents and their whole world may revolve around their parent. They rely on their parent to provide them with basic necessities of food, safety and shelter but more importantly, love and attention. The concept of sharing this love and attention with a new baby, is often foreign and can cause a great deal of anxiety and frustration for children which they may manifest in different behaviours based on their age.
How do we make this transition easier for them? This is a question I myself grappled with prior to having our second child and remember only too well, the guilt of taking that attention away from my eldest as well as the hope that he would “accept” his new brother and not feel left out. I have also spoken to many parents about this transition and suggest the following steps in making that transition easier for parents and their firstborn.
PREPARATION
One of the most important aspects of introducing the baby is to do it early, roughly 3 to 4 months beforehand (or prior depending on the age of the child). Taking your child to an Ultrasound, is a great way to show them what the baby looks like and explaining to them, that they too were a teeny tiny baby like their brother/sister a long time ago. If you have photos of your eldest when they were a newborn, it can be helpful to share these with them too as it reminds them that they too had small beginnings.
When the baby moves/kicks, it is a good idea to get your child to feel these movements and explain that their sibling is probably just as excited to meet them.
Children also love stories and repetition and this is a fantastic way to describe how it may be to have a baby in the house. Some of my favourite books I read to my son included; “I’m a big brother now”, ‘There’s a HOUSE inside my Mummy” and “Za-Za’s Baby Brother” . I would often cry when reading “There’s a HOUSE inside my Mummy” as it signified how incredible pregnancy was in growing a human being but also how it opened the corridor to a new life with an extra member in the family.
PLAN FOR THE BIRTH
It is a good idea to have a plan in place for the actual birth – whether that be a grandparent or friend who is looking after the elder child. This is a particularly challenging time for most children and it is a great idea to leave a photo of parents with the child, familiar toys/books and to keep in regular contact with your child during the birth itself.
Explaining to your child that you may need to go away for a few days into hospital when their sibling is born, is helpful for them to know, even if they may not understand exactly what this may mean.
If your child is in preschool, it can be a good idea to let their teachers know and try to send them to preschool during the days after the birth (if you are in hospital and unable to care for them) as this can help keep a sense of consistency for your eldest child. Children love routine, and even if parent figures are away, having that routine can be helpful to make them feel grounded and having familiar friends at kinder/teacher is a great distraction as well, in an environment that they know.
MEETING BABY FOR THE FIRST TIME
When my second son was born, I was elated and it filled me with joy to have a second child. Yet, at the same time, I remember feeling super guilty as it suddenly struck me that I would no longer be able to dedicate all of my time to my eldest and I worried about how he would accept the new baby, despite my efforts and preparation beforehand. This is a very normal reaction for a parent to have and most of my friends and patients have experienced this. I can reassure you that this time too shall pass and you will find a way to help your children to connect.
When your child visits the baby for the first time, it is a good idea to have the baby in a bassinett and to gift your child with a present from the baby. It does not have to be expensive and can be something simple like a colouring book but it signifies to them that their baby brother/sister has acknowledged their presence in the world.
It will take a period of time for your child to adjust to the baby and this is completely normal. Expect a period of adjustment and possible behavioural regression during this time. Some children will have more tantrums and others who were previously toilet trained may start having more accidents and some may become more clingy to you. Remember that this behavior is entirely normal as they learn to share your attention and love with their sibling and figure out where their sibling fits into their life.
Lastly, make sure you take time out to spend with your eldest child, alone so that you can keep building that relationship and helping them to feel secure.
TIME
Siblings form bonds over time and relationships form over time. Give them time to do that. It may take a few weeks, months or even a few years. Patience, consistency and understanding are really important. Sibling rivalry is very common and I certainly see this in my own children at times and hear from parents every day how their children can be at loggerheads with each other. There are however, moments of bliss where you look at your children playing or you see them exchange a hug and your heart melts.
Preparing a child for a sibling is definitely a journey so be prepared that it can be challenging, stressful, rewarding and joyful in so many different ways.
Remember also, that you are one person and you are cannot be all things for all people (including your children) all the time. Outsourcing and getting help from friends or family so you can spend quality time with your children is important for your sanity. It does take a village to raise children so please lean on your village and know that you do not have to travel this journey alone.
It is still a very precious time, in welcoming a new child and I hope you enjoy this time and treasure each and every moment.
Dr Sarah Arachchi is a Paediatrician who works in Melbourne and has two young boys.
She is passionate about kids and you can find her on Instagram @dr_sarah_medical_mum where she shares tips for new parents on kids health, development and parenting.
