Kiddipedia
Becoming a parent was one of the most exciting and challenging roles I had ever accepted.
The job ad read a little something like this:
“Are you in your 30s, in a serious relationship, already have a dog and looking for the next step?
Join our growing organisation and find your real purpose!
We are seeking capable, intelligent, and loving people to join our flourishing group. You will have some prior experience with children and relatively strong pelvic floor muscles.
You will be rewarded with long, warm snuggles, unconditional love and a sweet smelling, sleepy baby. You will enjoy shopping for cute baby clothes, knowing smiles from strangers and compliments on the cuteness of your offspring.
You will experience satisfaction from your new role and will feel fulfilled and challenged. Working hours are flexible and uniform typically consists of yoga pants and baggy t-shirts.
Apply at applications@mummeup.com.au”
And for some, the reality of the role may, in fact, be very close to the job ad.
For me, they were quite different…… Yes, there were (and still are) occasional long snuggles and some shopping for cute baby clothes and there are absolutely elements of satisfaction and intense meaning that this role has brought to my life. However, the flexible working hours did not turn out to be quite as flexible as originally promised and my manager (the child!) seemed to be very unpredictable, totally incapable of taking accountability for their actions and very unsure of what they really wanted! The pay has been quite low over the years too! Not to mention the tears (from everyone) and the feelings of loss of identity, loneliness and life focus. Questions like “Who am I, now that I am a parent?” “When will I ever have time for myself?” and “Am I doing this right?” made regular appearances in the chatter of my mind. Thank goodness I discovered mindfulness, just in time.
So, what is mindfulness?
The formal definition of mindfulness is “The awareness that arises through paying moment to moment, non-judgmental awareness” (Jon Kabat-Zinn) but I quite like to think of it as “being open and curious to what is actually happening, rather than what we think is happening”. As parents we tend to spend a lot of time thinking about what is happening (or might happen!), rather than taking part in what is happening. It is this constant chatter of our very busy minds that can get us into trouble and distract us from engaging wholly in our own lives and, important with our children.
The science of child development tells us the very best things we can do for our growing child is to first, regulate our own system (that is to say, stress less!) and second, pay loving attention to this new person in our lives.
Developing Mindfulness Skills
Our mindfulness skills can be developed through formal practices such as meditation or yoga or informal practices such as simply paying attention to what we are doing.
We can fold laundry mindfully, we can brush our teeth mindfully, we can listen and engage with our kids mindfully, we can even wipe their little butts with awareness!
A Harvard study from 2010 tells us “a human mind is a wandering mind and a wandering mind is an unhappy mind” so our task is to reign in this wild wandering animal and use it for good, rather than allowing it to use us for evil (such as freaking out because our partner doesn’t choose quite the right outfit for out little one!).
So how does “performance” in the parenting role look when we approach it with a greater degree of mindfulness? By simply bringing awareness to both our internal (thoughts and feelings) and external (behaviors) experiences, we can examine them with more clarity and make the executive decision as to whether they are contributing positively to our existence. Are they enhancing our relationships or slowly destroying them? Are they boosting our self-esteem or stripping them? Are we attending to the child before us or are we constantly distracted by our devices? And ultimately, are they contributing to our wellbeing?
The Now What? practice
So, what can we do to settle and calm ourselves so we can respond wisely and kindly in this role of parenting? One of my favourite informal practices is the “Now What?” exercise (inspired by Denise Roy). You know those times you are trying to get your kid in the car, running late for a meeting and still trying to eat your toast and your kid decides they would prefer to sit in the front seat rather than their seat in the back? It is during these times that this practice is particularly useful. All it takes is three mindful breaths.
- First Breath – connect with your internal strength and ground yourself (stop the crazy spinning thoughts!). We grow this place within us through our formal meditation practice.
- Second Breath – tune into your kid – what is going on for them? Are they tired, hungry, not wanting to go to school today?
- Third Breath – Ask yourself – now what? How do I need to be in this moment? What is going to help me/us here?
This job of parenting is wonderful, and we are incredibly lucky and blessed to have been successful in our application and if we don’t let our minds (and all the expectations, worries and irrational beliefs) run the show – I believe we can continue to find meaning, satisfaction, and fulfillment, even in the sleep deprived chaos of it all!
Liv Downing is a Melbourne based psychologist who has recently released a new children’s book, ‘You are Loved’ to reassure children that they are loved, no matter what. It comes with a simple meditation for families and educators to share with their little ones and practical skills to take into their daily lives.
As a mother of two boys, Liv has experienced first-hand the benefits of mindfulness and meditation in parenting. Through her work, she was involved in the development of the Beyond Blue mindfulness-based parenting program, Mind the Bump, and Smiling Mind, Australia’s leading mindfulness app – which involved working directly with children and educators in schools.
‘You are Loved’, released this month by Allen & Unwin and illustrated by Mel Mathews, has cut-outs on each page that create a beautiful heart shape, making the book a gift to treasure and share. Available from leading book stores for RRP $24.99, the book is also the ideal Christmas gift.
