Elise Clement
Have you ever felt resentment towards someone or something you cared about? They matter to you, yet they have mostly become a source of anxiety, anger, worry. Well, this could be a sign that you care too much.
The overcare syndrome
In their book called “Heart Intelligence”, Doc Childre and the team behind the Heart Math Institute (who’ve been doing fascinating research into the heart/brain connection), shared a fascinating insight: “Numerous caregivers experience a high-rate energetic burnout from not being able to find the balance between care and overcare.”
Doc Childre describes overcare as: “that which happens when the mind and emotions cross the line of balanced care and get too bogged down with whomever or whatever you’re caring about. Overcare is when you become too entangled in another’s web and realize your energy is drained from overattachment.”
When we care too much, we pour everything we have into that person or that thing we care about, at the expense of our own needs. We also take over the other’s capacity to look after themselves. We become resentful and stressed. And who benefits from that? No one.
Caring with awareness
Awareness is always the first step towards change. There’s nothing wrong with caring but it’s worth asking: what is the motivation behind it? Whose needs are being met?
When caring comes from a place of genuine love and selfless compassion, it will usually be invigorating and nourish our sense of meaning and contribution. When caring is self-serving, feeds our need to feel important or to control, that’s when it becomes depleting, draining and stressful.
Here are some common areas where we can tip into overcare: children, work, relationships, money, diet, health, how we look, what people think of us, regrets, etc.
In what areas is care draining your energy right now? What are you over-attached to or over-identified with?
Overcaring doesn’t discriminate based on gender, however women and especially mothers, are often more prone to fall into the overcare trap because of society’s expectations of what a good mother should be and do. Remember that your worthiness comes from within: you don’t earn it through your mothering, your job, or your bank account.And perhaps the most important question of all is: have you taken time to give to yourself first? How do you care for your own needs?
If you need support to better manage your care, including the one you give to yourself, I’d love to help. You can find out more about my work and book your introductory session here.
