Kiddipedia
Being a parent can be hard work. It throws conundrums our way that we never knew existed, often at the very time when we don’t have the energy/time/financial resources to deal with them. We can often become anxious that others are seeing how incompetent we are feeling, or even judging us on our results. It’s worth knowing there are some ‘touch points’ to avoid when things with your teen get tricky. One thing to remember is that teens are hard-wired to find our emotional weak spots…and very quickly! Let’s look at a few examples:
1. Escalation
The example: A Mum has told her son Lachy that his laptop needs to shut down at 10 pm every night but he’s been ignoring her. Mum goes past his room at 11pm and spies that he is at it again. She bursts into his room and (full of frustration) yells. Lachy immediately snaps back with a collection of insults, and some yelling of his own.
The solution: That was an escalation that happened because Mum was (understandably) frustrated. This is one of the most frequent family experiences, and it is damaging. It spoils the trust and affection that we feel for each other for a few days, and the consequences that Mum gives might be a bit rash. What can we try instead? Firstly, try and always respond to your teenager with calmness and a cool temperature. Their worst side emerges when things are volatile. So – give yourself some time to feel more in control, and consider what the best response would be. You really don’t have to respond immediately, most of the time: smart and cool is better.
2. Allowing a lengthy exchange
The example: Stepdad has seen that Jason has eaten the lasagne that was meant for his sister after basketball. He launches into Jason with a tirade/lecture. Jason sneers that he’s not ‘dad’ so he can’t tell him what to do, and it gets worse from there.
The solution: A lengthy exchange really doesn’t go anywhere that is good. Stepdad could have instead said, “You know food in glass containers is meant for someone, Jase. Oops. So then, get cooking with something to replace it by the time she gets home. Internet’s off till it’s done, buddy.” This response was brief, would be unlikely to escalate, and pointed a practical way out for Jason that emphasised his responsibility.
3. Appeasing
The example: Amy doesn’t like the costume that Mum has bought for an event at school. She rudely trashes Mum’s effort and refuses to wear it: Mum instantly apologises and tries to soothe Amy’s feelings. She promises to go to the outfitters in the morning and get “a better one”.
The solution: Appeasing is not a good trend to set. This is teaching several things: a) It’s ok to be rude to your family; b) If you say “jump” to your Mum she will ask ,”how high?”, c) empathy for others is not taught in your family; and d) Mum is not teaching Amy to keep her temper, have care for Mum’s feelings, participate in solving the problem, or show respect. (Rather, belligerence wins). Perhaps Mum could have taken a minute, then involved Amy in a task or gone outside together to diffuse tension. She could have explained that the dress took some effort and cost – so what would Amy suggest happens now? This may have engaged Amy’s thoughtfulness and got her involved in a possible solution.
4. Knee-jerk punishments
The example: Dad has opened an email from school that says Lenni hasn’t handed in her final English assignment. It could lead to a fail for the semester. He roars at Lenni that she has been online late at night and has lied to him: she is grounded for a month, banned from Netball and has to hand over her phone.
The solution: Knee-jerk punishments aren’t usually a good thing. If Dad had managed to take some time to cool down, he could have quietly shown the email to Lenni. She might have choked up and admitted that she couldn’t do it. He might recall that she was talking to her friends a lot that month as there had been some ferocious online bullying – and she wasn’t up to much. They might have thought of writing to the Year Co-Ordinator and explaining the circumstances. It would have felt like a relief to both of them, and as if they had collaborated well. A problem as big as this would be beyond Lenni’s capacity to tackle and so joint involvement (with low conflict) would be the best way forward.
Teens are going through a time of volatility. If we yell/fly off the handle/respond impulsively or react by appeasing, we increase whatever negative process they are stuck in. And we’ll sour our relationship with them for a while, too. They are almost never the ones who can arrest this process: but we can. Giving ourselves some time, finding our calm judgement, producing firm but fair consequences and prioritising the relationship with our child will probably get better, sweeter results than the “fireworks” that they are so good at starting.
Jari Evertsz is a Melbourne-based clinical psychologist and author of The Well-Behaved
Teenager (and Other Myths), now available in ebook and paperback from inspiringbookshop.com, Amazon, and all good bookshops.
