Kiddipedia
Managing children over the Christmas period can be a challenging time for separated and blended families.
Even amicably separated parents can find this conversation triggering and a confronting one to have because any parenting agreement that you might have had, often needs to flex and bend to accommodate Christmas.
Unfortunately, not everyone is so willing to be flexible or deal with change easefully.
I write this as a Divorce Coach who supports her clients through challenging conversations and spaces like this. I also write it as a divorced Mother of two daughters who have had to navigate this territory in her own world with her ex-husband. And I also write this as a child of divorced parents who were left navigating two parents who never spoke again or who were never able to be in the same room again after separating.
I know the lay of the land both personally and professionally. Whether you have an amicable relationship or not with your ex, what remains true here for everyone involved at Christmas time?
The Best Case Scenario For Your Children Is The Most Important Factor To Consider.
In any discussion such as this, the children and their best interests should be kept forefront of minds.
The best case scenario for your children is almost always to see and spend time with both parents equally at Christmas time. I advise my clients to consider the Christmas period as the time between Christmas Eve to Boxing Day.
What has worked for my clients is to have alternate yearly arrangements.
If the distance between homes is minimal then ideally an arrangement where one year the children spend Christmas Eve through to Christmas lunch with one parent, and Christmas afternoon through to end of the day Boxing Day with the other and flipping this scenario on a yearly basis from parent to parent, works well and fairly for everyone involved.
Ask Your Extended Family To Be Accommodating & Accepting
Christmas is about children more than it is about us. Some well-intentioned adults often forget this! Others around you might have opinions about what is the best thing to do here and be vocal about it.
However, prioritise your children and your ex-partner in this instance over the opinions of others here.
Your ex-partner deserves to spend time with their children over the Christmas period as much as you do and they shouldn’t have to fight for such a thing if they are responsible, loving parents.
Make Plans For Yourself Ahead Of Time
Loneliness and sadness at the thought of not having your children for parts of Christmas is something I hear expressed by many of my clients.
Knowing ahead of time that your children are going to be with the other parent at certain times over the Christmas period does allow you time however to prepare. If they are not going to be with you Christmas Eve what else could you do with yourself over sitting on the couch by yourself? Is there a family member you could stay with? Friends you could go to dinner with? This is true also for Boxing Day, a very family-orientated day, what could you be doing instead and with who?
Avoid, if you can, being on your own at these times. Reach out to loved ones for support and company and don’t hesitate to do so.
Creating new rituals as a blended family over the Christmas season can be a challenge initially for everyone. However as adults the more emotionally balanced we can be about the situation ourselves, the better our children will be to also handle the change in scenarios over
this time.
Allow Christmas to be primarily about your children and to create for them a beautiful, loved experience inclusive of both parents and families. If both environments are safe and loving, then this is the time to not lead with our needs and wants but instead lead with theirs.
Carla Da Costa is a divorce coach and the author of ‘Seconds Please – Lessons On Life, Love & Self After Divorce’. She works with women who are separating or divorced through her private coaching practice and online programs, supporting them to rebuild their lives and find themselves all over again. Find more information on her website or Instagram.
