Australian Doula College
By Renee Adair
To the best of my knowledge and experience birth ‘calls us’ in three parts; physically, emotionally and spiritually. They are a collective but sadly in our culture we have come to focus predominately on the physical aspect only. Pregnant women and those around them focus so much on the physical, from their body changes in pregnancy to the physical pain and endurance of labour.
What if, we honoured the fact that pregnancy, labour, birth and parenting is really an emotional transformation and as in, all transitions, there is an opportunity to heal and grow?
Here is my emotional transformation story from maiden to mother.
I have a big story, I had been given up at birth and adopted seven days later. Surprisingly so much of my pregnancy processing became about my birth mother, who I had never met. I love my mum and dad and whist not being my biological parents we are a loving family. I was happy but there was always something missing and defiantly an underlying emotional pain when I was growing up. I did not expect to have such deep feelings, thoughts and wonder about what had happened to me. I had done a lot of therapy over the years but this was a different playing field. I was growing a baby, my own flesh and blood. There was a wound that still needed healing.
For me the spotlight in pregnancy, was pretty much all about the emotional journey. Even though we are all not adopted we are all made up of our emotional history. We have stories and events that mould us and are a part of us. In my experience as a Doula and Educator I am aware that a lot of ‘luggage’ comes up in pregnancy and birth.
Nothing, however, could have prepared me for the enormous emotional transformation I had when I gave birth to my son at home surrounded by people who loved me and had supported me during the pregnancy while wadding though my ‘stuff’. The journey was all about my healing and growth.
I guess during pregnancy we can choose to except or ignore what is coming up for us. We all have choices. There are so many choices and options around pregnancy and birth on a physical level, it’s almost ridiculous. Who’s looking at the emotional preparation, processing and acceptance?
As my story goes, I choose to work with it, with the help of my birth team and a handful of beautiful friends. I was given the space to feel and evolve and move through the pregnancy with a degree of challenge but mostly a positive vibe. I felt heard and validated.
The day came for my baby to arrive and after a relatively short fourteen hours or so of pre labour I felt ready to move into active labour and birth. I was as prepared as I could be to allow the feelings that may come up during labour. As a team we had discussed my story and feelings in depth. Just as we had discussed and prepared for managing the physical sensations of labour.
After shedding many, many tears in early labour as well as sharing some laughter I got a real sense of the importance of letting go of any attachment to the feelings that may come up as I moved deep into the labour. I actually still remember that moment of letting go and understanding that it was just me and my baby on this road and that was all I should be focused on.
Labour and birth calls the birthing woman to be present in each moment and there is nowhere to run or hide when we move into the sensations and away from fear.
I moved into the labour and each contraction brought me closer to my truth, my inner strength and beauty. I realised, the labour was an incredible gift that was bringing my child to me and allowing me to understand my strength and innate ability.
So, there I was roaring in a deep warm pool of water pushing my baby out.
As my son was born and came up to my chest ever so slowly, I gently lifted his head out of the water and he took his first breath. His eyes connected with mine, my heart over flowing with emotion and pure love.
There was a calm, peaceful stillness in the room although the wind was howling outside. The gaping wound in my heart that had ruled my life for so many years, that missing piece that was damaged in so many ways was finally filled.
Could this be possible, in an instant? Was it that I was staring at my own flesh and blood for the first time or that I had proved to myself that I could do anything now because I had just so powerfully and magically birthed my baby?
In that moment I felt forgiveness for my biological mother. I understood for the first time the true meaning of unconditional love. The emotional transformation for me was so enormous I felt like I had been set free.
In the hours after the birth, I quietly thanked the stranger that had carried me for nine months and birthed me in her infinite wisdom on her lounge room floor. (I had that information from the post adoption resource centre) What an enormous sacrifice she had made. What a gift she had given me.
Emotional transformation is not just for the birthing woman but is also available for partners and often their transformations can be as equally as profound. Especially with the right support.
I see emotional transformation in birth as a rite of passage and a part of the package. I believe that a part of us dies and transforms to make way for the new mother within. Whether that’s preparing to receive baby number one or baby number six. There is a transition that leads to a transformation.
I really believe that there would be less caesareans and medically induced labours if we talked about this more and gave a safe space for women to explore their emotional journey to motherhood. We need to give ourselves permission to delve into our stories and feelings more.
Having a baby is the beginning of something magical and being a parent is scared business. We owe it to our children, who are ultimately our greatest teachers, to observe ourselves and be working on our emotional self.
We are always processing emotions and growing as parents and we are all a work in progress. Enjoy the ride.
