Depositing Into The Emotional Bank Account Of Your Child.

By Youthrive Psychologist Kasey Lloyd

Have you ever thought about how your everyday interactions with your child shape their emotional well-being? Just as we manage financial bank accounts, we also have “emotional bank accounts” with our children. This concept, introduced by Dr. Stephen R. Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, highlights how trust and connection are built—or depleted—through daily interactions.

Understanding the Emotional Bank Account

A financial bank account grows when we make regular deposits, allowing us to withdraw when necessary without going into debt. The same applies to relationships. Deposits into a child’s emotional bank account come from positive interactions that build trust, while withdrawals occur through actions that diminish it.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, emphasizes the importance of maintaining a healthy balance. His research suggests that for every negative interaction, parents should aim for five positive interactions during times of conflict and twenty positive interactions in everyday life. This “5:1 ratio” is crucial in maintaining strong, resilient relationships with children. So, how is your balance looking?

Common Withdrawals That Drain Trust

Some withdrawals are obvious: yelling, criticizing, breaking promises, or speaking negatively about your child to others. However, there are subtle ways trust can be eroded:

Conditional Praise: When a child cleans their room, responding with “You should do that all the time without being told” diminishes their effort instead of reinforcing it.
Removing Earned Rewards: If a child earns a treat for good behaviour but then loses it due to an unrelated misstep, they may feel unfairly punished and discouraged.
Dismissing Their Feelings: When a child shares exciting news and is met with indifference or frustration (e.g., “That sounds like too much running around for me”), they may feel unimportant.

Of course, some withdrawals—such as discipline and setting firm boundaries—are necessary. But the goal is to maintain a high enough balance so that occasional withdrawals don’t result in emotional “overdraft.”

How to Make Meaningful Deposits

The good news? You can replenish and grow your child’s emotional bank account with intentional actions. Here are some research-backed ways to invest in their emotional well-being:

Apologise When Necessary
Studies on parental warmth show that admitting mistakes fosters trust and models accountability. A simple “I’m sorry I snapped at you” teaches children that mistakes are normal and repair is possible.
Recognise Everyday Wins
Research in child development emphasizes the power of positive reinforcement. Acknowledging small efforts—like sharing with a sibling or showing resilience—helps children feel valued and encourages the repetition of positive behaviours.
Listen Without Fixing
When a child shares a problem, the instinct is to offer solutions. However, studies show that empathic listening helps children feel understood and strengthens emotional security. Instead of jumping into problem-solving, try: “That sounds really tough. How did that make you feel?”
Prioritise One-on-One Time
A 2019 study published in Developmental Psychology found that quality time with caregivers is linked to higher self-esteem and lower anxiety in children. Setting aside even 10–15 minutes of uninterrupted, device-free connection daily can make a huge impact.
Create Family Rituals
Research by the American Psychological Association highlights that family rituals—such as electronics-free dinners or bedtime stories—build a sense of belonging and emotional stability in children.
Engage in Playful Connection
Neuroscientific studies suggest that play releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, strengthening parent-child relationships. Whether it’s a pillow fight, a silly dance, or a backyard adventure, playful interactions enhance emotional connection.

The Long-Term Benefits of a Healthy Balance

Investing in a child’s emotional bank account pays dividends. Children who experience consistent emotional deposits tend to develop:

Greater self-confidence
Stronger problem-solving skills
Better emotional regulation
Deeper connections with caregivers and peers

Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about balance. By making intentional deposits and minimizing unnecessary withdrawals, you create a foundation of trust, love, and resilience that supports your child’s growth for years to come.

So, what deposit will you make today?