Divorce Answered
Diving into the dating pool after marriage can be equally an exciting and daunting process. Sadly, there isn’t a perfect prescription telling you how to date well after separation. Rachael Scharrer, Separation Strategist and Life Change Counsellor at Divorce Answered shares her guidelines for dating after divorce as a single parent:
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Avoid taboo conversation topics like your separation, divorce and ex-spouse.
Dating is supposed to be a fun time filled with excitement. If you dive too deep too quickly with your separation situation, you may scare off your date.
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Introduce the new squeeze as a ‘friend.’
The most seamless way to do this is by introducing them socially in a group. For the first few visits, have your new ‘friend’ around with a group of people and their children. When the gathering ends, your new friend should leave too. This is a great opportunity to ‘test waters’ and see how they behaves, handles social situations and whether other children warm to them. Your children become acquainted with the new ‘friend’ – who could be any of the other guests’ friend.
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Respect the house rules.
Anyone in your home, ‘special friend’ or guest, must follow the house rules. Respect and compromise is an essential part of every relationship
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Be child-focused and child-lead.
Let the children dictate the type of relationship they want with the new person. The children will approach and shape their relationship with them based on their wants, needs and desires. Forcing your version of a relationship onto a child is likely to backfire, very negatively.
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Aim for longevity.
It is important that the kids like the new love interest. However, this may take a little time. Depending on how long the children have had you all to themselves, their ages, relationship with their other parent and your situation, they may not like the idea of sharing you. Over time, they will warm up.
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Communication and direction.
It’s normal for you to want your new love interest to get involved with your kids and being clear with what you deem appropriate and what you need from them sets clear and healthy direction. ‘Have my back,’ ‘sort it out’ and ‘back me up’ means different things to different people. Thus, it is essential to be clear and explain what you want and expect.
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Choose not to settle.
Ensure you are with someone who treats you and the children with the respect, love, generosity and care that you deserve. Pay attention to any intuitive ‘red flags’ and run when you are exposed to their poor attitude or behaviour.
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Choose not to have a partner for your lifestyle.
If the primary criteria for dating a particular person is for personal gain, such as babysitting, financial contribution/gain or invitations to particular events, then your relationship is likely to be short lived. Qualities that you should be striving for are loyalty, honesty, empathy and understanding which make great foundations for a solid relationship.
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Budget for babysitting.
Dating when you have the children in your care is expensive – there’s personal preparations, taxi/uber costs as well as the food, drink or activity that you do together …. Then when you are home, there’s a babysitter to pay. Some people are fortunate to lean on family or friends for babysitting but asking 2 times a week can be taxing. Try to align your child-free time with your date’s child-free time for a more relaxed, affordable and unrestricted date.
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Watch your speed.
Some people are faster to move on after separation than others. Understanding that dating and introducing a new date to your children can rub your ex-spouse up the wrong way and may have a detrimental outcome in your agreements and settlements. So, if you are headed to court or in the process of reaching an agreement, my greatest recommendation is to limit what children can relay to their other parent by rationing their exposure to your new friend.
Children do tell their other parent what is going on in the home and the stories told can be antagonistic to the other parent. Remember, children can also exacerbate and embellish the truth to suit the other parent. Try to minimise the fall out, stress and anxiety by making the best choices you can around your dating experiences.
Consider your choices wisely, throughout your divorce and dating process. If your new love interest doesn’t leave you feeling good about yourself and good about your relationship with your children, then perhaps it’s time to reassess the relationship or speak-up about what you need. Most importantly, dating is supposed to be fun, uplifting and enjoyable.
