Kiddipedia
Little things can mean the world to our children, especially during significant life changes. Reflecting on past Christmases, I’ve noticed how my kids have been affected by what seemed like the smallest changes to me.
One year, I suggested setting the tree up in a new position, but they insisted on putting it where it “always” went. Another year, I thought mixing up the Christmas breakfast menu might be fun, but they wanted it exactly the same.
Children are often resilient, yet they deeply cherish traditions that bring them comfort and a sense of belonging. These familiar rituals are woven into the fabric of their lives, providing a sense of “safety” and home. However, when a family goes through parental separation, it’s necessary to create new traditions and stories.
The Power of Small Rituals
It’s often the smallest rituals that hold the most meaning. Maybe it’s the way you all laughed when someone inevitably struggled with the fairy lights, or the daily ritual of the Advent Calendar. My teens wanted me to put out the Playmobil Nativity until my youngest was fourteen! These moments are the threads that weave the tapestry of childhood memories.
Creating New Traditions
As your family dynamics evolve, so too can your traditions. This doesn’t mean discarding the old but rather building upon them. Maybe it’s adding a new ornament to the tree each year to represent the growth and changes in your family. Or perhaps starting a new tradition of a Christmas movie marathon, where each family member picks their favourite festive film.
Plan with Your Co-Parent
It can be helpful to talk with your co-parent about how you will both support the kids through this new change. If you are amicable, you may be able to have this conversation easily together. If things are more difficult, you might consider a facilitated conversation guided by a Co-Parenting Coach. Here are some things to consider:
- Joint Activities: If your separation is amicable, it may be possible to plan a few joint activities that involve both households. This can help maintain a sense of unity for your children. Some families get together for a shared meal, sometimes even with extended family. However, remember that children do best when they are shielded from conflict, so if this would expose them to tension and stress between their parents, it’s better to avoid this option.
- Coordinate Gifts: To avoid duplication or one-upmanship, coordinate gift-giving with your co-parent.
- Keep Traditions Alive: Discuss which family traditions can be maintained in both homes and make an effort to keep them alive.
Involving the Children
Including your children in the development of new traditions and releasing past traditions that are no longer appropriate can help them feel respected and honoured. It can also reduce the load you are carrying—sometimes the very things you think are most important are the ones that matter least to your kids. Imagine if you spent all your time trying to make those happen! Involving your children helps them feel valued and also helps them process the changes in their family life.
Questions to Ask Your Children:
- What is special to them about how your family has previously done Christmas?
- What new traditions would they like to start?
- Do they have any fears or worries about the changes to how Christmas will be celebrated now that they are in a two-home family?
Don’t Be Afraid if They’re Sad
Kids are the world’s best heartbreakers. A common childhood Christmas wish is that their parents would get back together again. Even if one or both parents have re-partnered, or years have passed since the separation, many kids still hold on to the Parent Trap fantasy.
It’s perfectly okay and normal for your kids to feel this way, even if it is really heavy on your heart. You haven’t destroyed their world by separating. In fact, although they can’t see it, you’ve probably done the very best thing. Sometimes the best option for raising healthy kids is for you and your co-parent to live separate lives. The fantasy your children hold is exactly and only that—a fantasy. You are already giving them their best life.
What You Can Do:
- Affirm that it’s normal to feel that way. They love you both—of course, it’s hard for them that you’re not together.
- Remind them that the two of you created awesome children—thank goodness you were together at some point, look what you made!
- Remind them, “We are better parents than partners, and we parent better apart,” but it’s normal to have times when they wish it were different.
There is no need to explain to them why you are better apart than together. That’s your private adult business, and they don’t need to know. As long as you can be a safe space for them to talk about their feelings, you are doing everything you need to do.
You’ve Got This!
Navigating Christmas in a co-parenting setup is about blending the comfort of the familiar with the excitement of the new, listening to those small voices that yearn for stability while gently guiding them towards acceptance of change. Each step you take in creating new traditions and honouring old ones is a step towards healing and growth for your family. This is how we craft a legacy of resilience and love.
Tiffany Rochester is a Clinical Psychologist and Co-Parenting Coach who specialises in helping separated families create healthy, harmonious two-home families for their children. With over 20 years of experience in child development and human behaviour, Tiffany is passionate about simplifying the co-parenting process, ensuring that children can thrive as their family changes.
Recognising the emotional and financial toll of adversarial legal systems, Tiffany is committed to guiding parents towards collaborative and compassionate solutions. Her approach offers swift relief and opens new pathways for families to move forward, free from the constraints of traditional, litigious processes.
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