Eden Roc Coaching and Consulting
“What is it like to be you right now?”
Probably one of the most important, empowering questions you can ask someone.
Has anyone ever asked you this? Have you asked yourself this question, or something similar? Notice it doesn’t ask “What’s life like for you right now?” it goes in to ask what’s it like to be you. It is much more specific, and removes the temptation to give “acceptable” wafty responses like “oh its busy, you know, the kids, work”, and so on. This simple question is personal, kind, and allows for a personal contemplative pause.
I recently asked someone very close to me this simple question. What it opened up was profound. A new level of trust, authenticity, and vulnerability in a way I had never experienced this person before. This question allowed a safe, non-judgmental place to feel accepted, time to think, not trying to fix a situation, but instead be held with compassionate inquiry, perhaps for the first time.
What I have found, is that this simple question takes the pressure off you, and empowers the other to own their current circumstances. I find people are surprised by this question, as it’s likely the first time they have ever been asked this before.
When we talk to our friends, family or go online to forums for support, we generally will get “advice”, what the other person may think you should do in a situation, based on their life experience, values, beliefs, and their judgement about the scenario. I know I’ve done this many times, and whilst it has a level of help and support, it often is dismissive of the person’s own agency to assess and solve their own problems.
I think we have all judged situations, seeing it all from our own point of view, but generally, this tends to only serve our own need to evaluate something, but rarely passing our own judgements actually assists the other.
Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly effective people” shares with us story from his experience of how we just never know what people are going through. He recounts a time he was on a train, minding his own business when a man and his children board. The man sat quietly, while his children became very loud and disruptive. Eventually, Stephen became frustrated at the man’s lack of awareness and discipline of his children. He asked the man to control the children, to which the man replied he was so sorry, they had just been to the hospital, his wife had just died, and they were all out of sorts. Stephen’s life changed at that moment, understanding that what we perceive is often not the whole story, and we just never know what people are going through.
All we have to do is ask.
Using this simple question, “What is like to be you right now?” is a gateway into another human being’s world.
This question can transform families. Asking your partner, your children your parents this question, may open up some really valuable insights, strengthening of connections, compassion and understanding. I would also add that asking yourself this very same question is an excellent reflective tool in which to become clear about how you feel about life at present. It opens up the gratitude for all that is working well, and offers an opportunity to contemplate what you would like to change, whether that be about habits, lifestyle, relationships, parenting styles, work health, and any area of life you would like to improve.
Asking this question may equally open up a sharing of joy, in discovering what is making the other feel very content about their life, things you may not have articulated together before. I found it helped to bring my husband and I closer together, and offered a new way to open up a conversation where authenticity was at the centre.
So next time you enter into a conversation with someone, and you are unsure what the right thing is to say, or feel the need to fix, judge, give advice, consider asking this one simple question, “What is it like for you to be you right now?”, and see what happens!
