Kiddipedia
By Dr. Jari Evertsz,
Clinical Psychologist and author of The Well-Behaved Teenager (and Other Myths)
Welcome to the world of parenting a teenager. It can be bewildering! You have known this child for their entire life but as the teenage years begin they often come up with new behaviours all the time. Rude remarks, withdrawal, questions being ignored, chores not done, and door slamming can make you feel downhearted. Seeing the old qualities of your child appear and then disappear again can produce lots of conflicting emotions for parents. The joy that comes with celebrating the child’s new achievements can be contrasted with despair during the times when we feel let down. And that often leads to fiery exchanges.
Is there a way out of these spirals? As a clinical psychologist, I’ve seen some tactics work well to a) make them less likely and b) prevent the escalation into insults and arguments that we all dread. A key thing to remember is that for the vast majority, teenagers’ behaviours that don’t match your family’s normal ways of responding do not reflect who they are as a person. They are going through the most volatile and fast-changing time of their life, and it’s absolutely not helped by social media, and hearing all about the outrageous things that their friends claim they get away with. Here are 6 tips to have a healthier relationship with your teen:
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Keeping a Cool Temperature
When a teen does an outrageous thing and then ignores, sneers or walks off, it can make
The adults light up like a firecracker. Emotions take over and might make you yell back, make demands, follow the child…and perhaps throw in a few insults of your own. My advice: don’t. We may feel justified or hurt, but in this situation, it’s our responsibility to handle things in the best way possible and to de-escalate things. That does not mean appeasing bad behaviour, by the way. It’s just that a volatile response from us reduces our credibility and provides great modelling for the teenager to feel justified in doing the same. And it damages the relationship for a while. So, it’s most often preferable to take a really deep breath, say very little and give yourself all the time you need to calm down and have a good think about the best way to address what occurred. If your teen feels that you reliably respond with calmness, it is likely to be reflected in more moderate responses when things go wrong.
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Discuss with Respect and Moderation
Teenagers can come up with some pretty unrealistic ideas and strange requests. But people of all ages want to be listened to with respect. Unless you want an exasperated response, it’s important to listen carefully to what they are saying. Contribute your ideas – but try not to shoot down what they are trying to put forward. Taking your time and making thoughtful responses produces much less tension (and you don’t have to say yes).
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Useful Conversations
In a rushed and busy life, it’s all too easy to find ourselves only “having a discussion” with our teenagers when something has gone wrong. Any teenager is going to try and avoid that at any cost! So having a basis of many good conversations is the antidote. What do you both like to talk about and analyse (and no, your football teams’ performance won’t do the trick on this one, sorry). How about community events? World news? Animal behaviour? Anything that gets both the parents and the child’s brains working, and doing this together, is a great experience.
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Joint Tasks
Finding an activity where you can genuinely share regular responsibilities with your teenager, becomes very rewarding. I’m not so much talking about a hobby here (though any shared activity is, of course, a good thing). Rather, shared “work” such as them helping you out once a week with pensioner food delivery/ collecting blankets for the animal shelter/ buying the food for the sports club’s morning tea – brings a type of collaboration which is great for developing closeness in your relationship.
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Their Contribution Matters
Teenagers need to have some different platforms to develop their maturity. And it’s all the better when this can be done to the benefit of their family. Try giving them a responsibility that increases as they mature, and you’ll likely see them taking pride in what they are doing and enjoying the development of a skill. The task could be as varied as making a lovely cake once a week, taking charge of the landscaping for the front garden, or keeping the dogs groomed and topping up their training. Try to put it to them that this is not so much a chore, as a valued contribution that is theirs alone. If they know that their activity is important for the family and is genuinely valued by others, they can shine!
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Ask Them
And finally, if problems have occurred, when you are both calm and having one of your good discussions, try asking them what they felt went wrong. If you are managing to have a calm and thoughtful exchange, you might well be surprised by the maturity of their ideas.
In our busy and pressured lives it’s not always easy to find time for ‘strengtheners’ for our relationship with our teenagers. But sometimes simple techniques can let some fresh air into the room….and benefit everybody.
Dr 
Jari Evertsz is a Melbourne-based clinical psychologist and author of The Well-Behaved
Teenager (and Other Myths), now available in ebook and paperback from inspiringbookshop.com, Amazon, and all good bookshops.
