10 Common Mistakes of Self-Denial

by Krissy Regan The Wellness Poet

I feel the need to write about Self-Denial. I find very little is written about this topic or spoken about it. But most mother’s I meet in need of help have been in a state of self-denial for a long period of time. The correlation between their health and well-being is glaringly obvious to me.

We talk about self-care, but we don’t teach self-care. We talk about self-love, but we don’t discuss self-love, and we do NOT discuss self-denial.

In recent years I’ve come to realise that self-denial is an intergenerational issue, and I had this epiphany when I organised my grandmother’s funeral and wrote her eulogy.

I recognised in that her self-denial she had made things possible for our family but at great expense to herself. Her mother prevented her from finishing school, representing her region at sport and used her as a housekeeper for most of her life. She was married off to a man 10 years older than her, because at 21 she was an old post-war bride. She was an intelligent, hard-working woman with very good skills in tennis and vigoro. In comparison her cousin was allowed to follow his dreams and won Wimbledon three times. When I visited the Wimbledon Museum in London. I had a big I WONDER moment thinking about the fate of my grandmother.

I noticed in my own mother her self-denial when I asked her a few years ago what SHE wanted, and her response was, “I’ve never really thought about what I wanted.”

Some pretty big pennies started dropping around this time where I realised that based on conditioning, I too was a self-denier. I had not honoured my wants, needs and desires for a long time and I was a high performing, people-pleaser. Mother’s naturally fall into the self-denial role as we give most of our energy to our children, extended family, and work.

Many of the women that come to my Retreats are burnt-out. They admit to not loving themselves and they feel unappreciated, uncared for and taken advantage of. I can relate to all these feelings, and I think a lot of brave women can too.

The very definition of a self-denying person is they give up what they want so that other people can have it, or because they feel it is morally right for them to give it up.

Women have been told for decades that their moral duty is to care for the family, keep home and nurture everyone that needs it. When women don’t meet this stereotype, they’re deemed selfish, unmaternal and many other names that I can’t write here.

So, what do Self-deniers do?

Neglect their own needs for their family/children.
Forget about self-care as there is just no time.
Tell themselves that what they need is not important.
They don’t ask for help.
They will push themselves to breaking point, break, and then wonder why no one is there to care for them.
Ignore their own medical appointments so that they can taxi their children around.
Skip meals so that kids are on time for school/sports etc.
Run on empty for years and wonder why they feel so tired all the time.
Feel hard done by and unappreciated.
They don’t advocate for themselves.

So, what advice do I give the chronic self-denier?

Stop and Rest.
Deep Dive on your Self-Denial.
Practise advocating for yourself, with your family and your workplace.
Have a full health screening, and test for Adrenal Burnout.
Understand that whilst your family and children love you, you are the only person that knows what you need to be healthy and happy. AND you deserve it.

I’ve overcome my moral self-denial curse, and I look at my two young girls and hope they won’t have to experience it either. For now, I see my role as guardian of their well-being until they figure out for themselves their wants, needs and desires, and I will do my utmost to ensure they are healthy, loved, cared for, and learn how to advocate for themselves.

If you need help to overcome self-denial, please reach out to me or another holistic health coach. It’s so important that we break this cycle for future mums.

Krissy Regan is The Wellness Poet and Founder of Mindful Mums Queensland. 2022 Finalist in the Australian Small Business Champion Awards for a Women’s Organisation Category and an Influential Woman Category.

She is author of 5 new books.

Broken to Unbreakable, 12 Steps to an Unbreakable Mind, Body & Spirit.
The Koala who Lost his Heart.
Bobby, a Horse who teaches a young girl how to Love.
London to Townsville, a story about a little girl who moves from England to Australia.
Go Get-em Mumma!

Krissy wrote these books and more than 50 poems, whilst working part-time at home, raising 2 small children and juggling the demands of her household. Krissy offers workshops, retreats and 1-1 coaching and launched her global online wellness school at the start of 2021. You can register right here and have access to 12 months of amazing wellness content for only $99.00 https://krissy-regans-wellness-movement-mindful-mums-3.teachable.com/

You can contact Krissy Regan at mindfulmumsqld@gmail.com or follow Mindful Mums Qld on Facebook and Instagram @mindfulmumsqld and view Krissy’s work here: https://www.thewellnesspoet.com/